The Truth

Here We Are

2007-06-24T12:12:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while... Let's see. Things are going better at work, or at least I seem to think so. I have started back with school, it's going well and lastly I am back on weight watchers. Now this is olnly week one of weight watchers so we shall see how it goes.

I am only seeing my therapist once a month now, and I am very happy about that.

I am still hanging with the guy I have been seeeing. We are more friends than anything else but there is a lot of chemistry between the two of us. I think he's still trying to get used to having someone else knowing he's got Parkinson's. He's still not comfortable talking about it.

So I suppose things are going well for now. I am afraid to talk too much about it so I don't jinx myself!

Reasons

2007-05-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I found out why I was dumped... Turns out the guy I was seeing has Parkinson's Disease and is not sure how to handle a relationship and his illness. I have Lupus and have had to deal with it for 10 years now. I, if anyone knows how difficult it can be to figure out when to tell someone, how to gauge his or her reaction, etc. It seems that it could be easier to just let go. Much like being Bipolar. I will tell someone about my Lupus long before I tell him or her I am Bipolar. There is still a stigma to illness and it's hard to get past.

He has no excuse for bailing on me because of being ill. I of all people am not going to run and hide because he has a disease. We have decided to be friends and I guess see what happens from there. I really like him, but I can't force him to be comfortable with me. He told me and no one else at works knows so I guess that's a good thing.

I have decided to start school again, just one class. I am not too sure if I can handle more than that right now. School has always been a thorn in my side. I want to get through it but can never seem to make it. I know it's the Bipolar, but it's hard to accept. I have been feeling pretty good lately so maybe it's a good time to start. I, as you all are aware, have to be careful of my stressors in life so I made sure it's a class that I find interesting and can stick with.

Oh well, I will keep checking in as class starts. I am already reading to get a head start. I think that way I may feel less overwhelmed. Have a good week.

Feels Like

2007-05-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

Hello There!
It has been a while...
Things are going all right. But it feels like there is something missing in my life. I am no longer seeing the last guy. He ended things via email. Even worst, since we work together he broke things off via work email. I think I am still searching for love outside of myself and not in myself. I feel so empty sometimes. Mentally things have been all right, I am not that upset about the break up. Maybe it's the Abilify, maybe not.

I am still looking for that love that I just can't seem to get my arms around. It's so hard to locate it, and every time I feel like I am close it's still so far away. Am I making any sense?

I am still going to therapy, but it seems that I have less and less to talk about. I am finding that with most of my relationships lately. There just seems to be less and less to talk about. Am I closing off? It feels like it. And if I am, why?

Life, In General

2007-03-11T13:53:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty hectic for me lately. Work, personal, etc. I have managed to maintain some sort of control over my finances, which I find mind boggling. I am not saving yet, but at least I am not in over my head anymore.

I have met someone new. Got rid of the ex-boyfriend, had one relapse and slept with the married boyfriend. But this new guy is a good one and a keeper. I am hoping that I do not screw this up. He's cool and I like him a lot. He seems to think he is falling in love with me, who knows maybe he is. We have yet to sleep together and have only kissed. He donesn't believe in frivilous sex, interesting... He knows I am bipolar and about my Lupus and yet and still has not run away, this is a good sign.

My ex-boyfriend has asked me to sleep with him and it was awkward saying no, but I had to. I want things to work with this new guy and I cannot do that if I am still sleeping with other people. My therapist would be so proud of me!

Nothing else new, just busy! Hope you guys are still reading.

Endings... and Beginnings

2007-01-25T22:24:00.000-05:00

I move this weekend. I like the place but I think that parking is going to be a nightmare.

Work is hell and I am actually looking forward to the move in order to be away for a couple of days.

My ex and I are falling apart, guess it wasn't meant to be and the thing about it is, I am not that upset about it.

I was asked out by a guy at work, I said yes but the date hasn't happened yet and probably won't until after the move.

I'm very tired but wanted to update you all since I am posting so inconsistently nowadays.

Two Words (Or Eight)

2007-01-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

I'm moving

Jan 27

This sucks

Broke again

What's Going On

2007-01-07T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I am in a bit of a better place than I was when I last posted. I can't say I have really been depressed, just stressed now. Work is really busy but I will get through. I think I am starting to get used to the chaos. I had no idea how stressful this job was going to be when it was handed to me, but it is what I have so I must deal.

Thanks to the 401K thing, all of my bills are taken care of for now and I turned the credit card I kept over to my father so that I cannot spend any money.

Okay so I am psyched because my sister got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in Las Vegas! It's my birthday present from her. The trip will be free for me; all I have to have is spending cash. So I am saving up for the trip and I will take my credit card for emergency only. Starting next pay period I will be giving money to my father for the trip. It's sad but I cannot keep money. I know it so this is the only way to make it work. I am giving control of my funds to the only person I trust to watch over it and be fiscally responsible.

In the meantime, I had someone get a hold of my bank account info and had to close my accounts at the bank. It's a good thing I work there and was able to catch it as soon as there was a problem.

As for the ex - thongs are not easy. Trusting someone who has previously cheated on you sucks. I am constantly questioning who's calling him, where he has been, why he didn't answer his phone when I called. It's actually sort of tiring. I am starting to wonder if it's worth the trouble. But then there are those times when there is a glimpse of what we used to have, and that makes it really hard to say it's not worth the trouble.

Why...

2006-12-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

Am I so tired?

Am I so unmotivated?

Am I eating so much?

Am I not in the mood for sex?

Am I so hard on myself?

Am I so anxious?

Am I having so many obsessive thoughts?

Can't I get out of my head?

Can we say depressed? The thing is I have no idea why I am depressed. Maybe I will go for a walk.

Updates

2006-12-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

Things have been really busy for me lately. I can't believe the last time I posted was the 5th. You all are probably thinking I fell off the face of the earth. I also haven't checked email, so I do apologize.

Things at work have been very much in scramble and that has been keeping me wrapped up in a lot of crap. I finally did take that money from my 401K and paid off both my therapist and crack-dealer (psychiatrist). I had to find a new crack-dealer that would take my insurance. I hate insurance by the way. She's okay, but I can't be too picky considering it's terribly difficult to find a crack-dealer this time of year. I was so afraid that I was going to run out of meds, but my old dealer agreed to keep up my scripts until I found someone else.

Now, on the boyfriend front... My ex and I have been seeing each other a lot lately and old feelings are there again. He was, once upon a time, believed to be the one; so I guess it's hard to tuck those kinds of feelings away for a long time. The married boyfriend and I have just sort of dwindled away into oblivion. I am kind of glad it's happening that way because that means there will be fewer hurt feelings if there are any at all. I haven't had the conversation yet where I say things are over, but I really think I want to give this thing another shot with my ex. He went to therapy with me in order to try to help prove his intentions towards me; the session was very profound.

I now realize the married one was there to give me a glimpse of how things should be for me. So I could see how I should be being treated. So I am holding my ex accountable for things. He needs to be honest, trustworthy, dependable, and considerate. Not too long ago I couldn't tell you what I was looking for in a man; but now I can. I appreciate that. Those are the qualities that let me know someone really cares. I am holding him accountable and he knows that if he doesn't stick to them I am gone. For once I have the upper hand and I am going to make it work for me.

This Sucks

2006-12-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

My finances have not gotten any better. I owe my crack dealer so much she has decided to turn my case over to a collection agency. I am taking a withdrawal for medical hardship from my 401K. In the meantime, I need refills on my scripts. Not really certain what to do. Her office manager is a prick!

My head hurts.

Wait

2006-12-03T10:01:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for something good to happen. Not sure what it is, but something’s gotta give. Things lately have been pretty dull; everything's is the same. I am in definite financial debt, the Abilify has caused me to gain 30+ pounds, and I believe I am depressed but just not really "experiencing" it. That's the bad thing about drugs; sometimes I would like to feel, to be like everyone else. I feel but it's a shallow version of feeling. Instead, it makes me a little blank.

I am not happy now, that I know. A big part of it is the fact that I have gained all this weight back. I had lost a considerable amount of weight; I went from 338 to 264, now I weigh 301. I want to cry. The thing is I am not lazy; I have always been overweight, but not lazy. I am not what people think of when they think about overweight people. I don't lie around eating all day. Instead I always out doing stuff, I am active I walk on the treadmill and take walks with my friends. I try to take the stairs at work instead of the elevator so now I am very irritated.

I hate this.

Miss Halfway

2006-11-12T19:51:00.000-05:00

I have realized that I have definite issues with commitment. I don't know why though. I can blame other people for the things they do, but it's not like I am willing to give myself 100% either. I guess I am afraid to get hurt.

I confessed to my therapist that I was seeing my ex again. She asked if I didn't feel bad about cheating on my boyfriend. I thought that since he was married that I shouldn't think anything of it. But the truth of the matter is that I feel pretty guilty about the entire thing. She said that he was being as honest with me as he could and I wasn't being honest by seeing my ex.

"How would you feel if he was seeing someone else?" She asked.

I would feel like shit. I think what it boils down to is the fact that I am scared to death to give all of myself to someone. I am afraid they will take it and crush me. Kill everything inside. Could I see myself giving all of me to someone? I suppose so. It would not be easy, but I am sure I could. That's an interesting question; I will have to think on it a little longer to figure out why my answer was not just an emphatic yes.

In the meantime my boyfriend is on his way here, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. I think I am adapting to this time away thing. I miss him but it is bearable. The world isn't going to collapse if I don't see him for a couple of days or so. I have no idea what we are doing.

The ex is becoming a little too needy. He actually wanted me to tell him not to go to his cousin’s party last night but instead come over to my place. Not so much.

Oh well, everyone have a great week. Mine has to be better than last week was. I got into trouble for being late with a report. I learned my lesson and believe me it won't happen again. Now that I am back in my comfort zone at work this week should be better.

Have a good one :)

Someone To Love

2006-11-05T10:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so just as I thought I had all of my shit together, I realize I so don't....

Confession:
Yesterday I had this need to go shopping at this store in DC. It was getting late and I didn't want to go so I call my ex out of the blue (because he shops there also) and asked him to come go with me. He agreed, and we got our junk and left. Now, I manipulated him into driving both ways, but I did buy him dinner.

When we got back to his place, I went in and we were chillin' for a while, then I don’t know what came over me. I started lying to him about feelings I have for him just to get him into bed. I do not know what compelled me to lie, but I did. And I slept with him too. It was like a compulsion, like I wouldn’t be happy unless I got him into bed. Now I feel terrible.

I think I'm going to Mass. This might be something that someone higher than me needs to help with.

Where I Belong

2006-11-04T11:16:00.000-05:00

Things are good... Now maybe I am a little manic, or maybe I am just in a better mood, but things are good. I feel good emotionally and I love it. I love the positive me, I just hate waiting for the bottom to drop and the depression to come; because I know it is.

I stopped seeing the ex and as for the boyfriend, things were stressful for a while, but they have gotten better. We had broken up, again, last week until he started calling again and telling me how much he missed me, etc. I am a sucker what can I say. He said he was sorry but that he was just so stressed out because business was doing so poorly. He said he had to focus on things and cut out his "fun" activities, of which I was one. I think we were broken up for about 2 days, whatever.

So, here I am in this relationship again that will have no good ending to it and I have no idea where I belong in it. What role do I play in his life when he has a wife he is so dependant on financially now that he can't leave even if he wanted to? I can't understand why he wouldn't want to leave when he has said he was miserable, but I guess money is just that important.

I am broke again. I had done pretty well the last couple of weeks and now I am in a bind again. It will work out though, it always does. Something will give. What I don't know, but something will. I think I am going to go to one of those debt consolidation places. I did that once before and it worked out really well for me. I was able to pay off my bills in about a year and it was affordable. I just need to get off my ass and do it. I have realized, I just don't need credit cards; sometimes maybe not even a checkcard; but my account has not been in the negative for the past month and I am proud about that.

Work is going well. Things have slowed a bit and I am trying to take advantage of this time and plan for next year. We are in the middle of budgeting and it appears I won't have any money to play with :( When you work in a training department, that's no good, but I will continue to try and find ways to save and still make it fun!

Oh well, we shall see how the next week goes. I wish everyone else a great week!

True

2006-10-28T09:09:00.000-05:00

Let's start with an odd little note...

There are these bugs that keep congregating on my window. They don't do anything but sit there on the screen and chill. They don't move, nothing. They just hover in a little mass. There is probably about 20-25 of them. Maybe they are trying to keep warm since it's been getting cold here in Mary-Land!

Well, I must say I have been less and less anxious this week. Not sure if it's the book or not, but I am not as paranoid, etc. Maybe because things sort of quieted down at work a bit. I am a training manager and instructional designer, which means I manage other trainers and I write curriculum for classes. I was designing a huge program that had a lot of attention associated with it and it has kicked off and seems to be a success. I can say that I am proud of the work I did and better yet of the people I have hired. So knowing that work has been a bit easier I think has helped. There are a lot of projects coming up, but they are good projects and I think they will be fun.

Love life... I believe it's time to get rid of both the current boyfriend and the ex. Neither is serving any major necessity in my life lately. With the boyfriend, I am sick of being in a relationship where I am not getting any emotional response in return. Ever since his wife started acting crazy this last time, he has shut down completely. We don't even have anything to say to each other on the phone. I am calling less and less and have less and less of a need to hear his voice.

As for the ex, his feelings are too involved. It's sort of funny because the shoe is on the other foot between us. He is very much in the place I used to be with him, wondering what it is that I want from him, etc. The only thing he is doing for me is sexual, and that's not going to lead to anything good.

I found out that my health insurance is going to be paying less for psych next year. Both my crack-dealer and my psychologist are out of my health insurance network so I am going to have to find some that are in so that I can save money. I guess I will start looking now. That sucks majorly! It also means I am going to be walking away owing both of them. I owe my psychologist about $1200 and my crack dealer about $550. Oh well, that's the story of my life. I would be nothing if not broke. I have to look today at doing some crafty money works to get the rent paid. I may have to go back to my parents, but I hope not.

I have been reading a book called Bipolar II, it's by Ronald R. Fieve, M.D. He's a crack-dealer/Professor at Columbia University who apparently was one of the first docs to start treating BAD II. Anyway, the book gives a whole new perspective on Bipolar. It discusses how to use it to your advantage, and how to lessen the depressive states. It is very interesting, and has sort of given me a new perspective on being Bipolar.

Oh well... Everyone out there, have a great week, stay positive and know that there is someone out here that loves and appreciates you just the whacky way we all are!

(Now that was damn positive of me :0) )

Fool To Think Part 2

2006-10-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

Apparently I can't have a strictly sexual relationship with an ex and have it be strictly sexual.

We have been dating. And old feelings are rising, and I am not sure what to do about it.

What does this mean for me and L (the boyfriend)? Can I be with a man who has cheated on me in the past? Can I give that trust again? He says now that he knows what he lost when he lost me, he will have no problem staying committed and faithful. Do I believe him?

I have been told that my boyfriend is not planning on leaving his wife. He told me, so now what?

Be Happy

2006-10-14T09:40:00.000-05:00

I am trying to. I keep hearing things, or at least I think I am. I am so stressed anything is liable to happen.

Anyway, I realized yesterday, that all of my negative behavior lately has been because I am so anxious.

Before I forget to comment on it. Today is one of those absolutely gorgeous fall days in Maryland. One thing I love about this part of the world is we experience everything of ever season. It's sunny out and the trees are all changing brilliant colors on the golf course. It's great sweater weather (about 60 degrees), I love it. Consequently, the thing I don't like about this area is... My allergies are killing me.

So my plans with L (the boyfriend) fell through last night, and I had tentative dinner plans with a friend which fell through because she forgot about a paper she had due today, so when faced with the prospect of having to be alone my first instinct was to call my ex so I wouldn't be alone. By the way, my roommate is away.

I didn't call him because I don't want to continue to go down that road of screwing him regardless of how good the sex is. Then my mind immediately went to shopping. I am pretty broke. Once I decided not to go shopping where I wanted, I then started thinking about food. I wasn't even hungry yet.

I decided to go to the bookstore because I figured if this compulsion to spend was going to be there I had better spend my money on something worth having, plus L suggested I read a book and chill out since he had to work. Borders was having a 25% off sale for educators so I got a big chunk off my purchase. I bought a book about Bipolar, and Overcoming Anxiety.

The Anxiety book is one I had taken out at the library, but it's a workbook, so I needed to get my own, but it talks about ways to handle perfectionism and avoidance behavior, etc. I really do believe that I end up becoming so anxious because the performance I show at work, my interactions with others, etc are so great when I am manic that I am afraid that I am not able to continue that performance when I am not manic.

When I'm manic, I love myself and I know what I can do, usually it's blown a little out of proportion, but the self-confidence is there. I am afraid that if people know who I really am that they won't love, like, or approve of me. God, why can't we all just be manic all the time? I would love that.

Truth

2006-10-10T18:43:00.000-05:00

I am stitting here waiting for my ex. I fully intend to have sex with him because I cannot seem to not want to.

What the hell am I doing?

Wait

2006-10-09T21:42:00.000-05:00

So I was having an amazing night with my boyfriend. As soon as he hit the door this evening it was completely intense. We went to dinner and had a great time, came back and messed around and watched TV. The intention was that he stay the night so we were taking our time in things getting to, well, to us ending up in the bedroom. Anyway around 8:45 the phone rang, his not mine, and it was the wife. He stepped outside to take the call; was gone about 5 minutes or so; came back in and started getting his shit together. He kissed me goodbye and just said he had to go and he would call later.

I called around 10:00 since I hadn't heard from him and he was in the foulest mood ever. I hate when he gets pissed because things become everyone else’s fault but his. He said he didn't want to talk about it. Fine. But, that turned into he didn't want to talk so he hung up on me. Let's get one thing straight...

I do not hang up on people. I deal with my issues up front because I can't stand to have them eat the energy out of me.

He agreed he was wrong about hanging up on me because I called right back. He asked to talk to me tomorrow because he was pissed and didn't want to deal with it. I told him I would try to get in touch with him at some point tomorrow because he was hurting my feelings.

He will not be priority for me tomorrow.

Fool to Think

2006-10-09T09:16:00.000-05:00

(I hate to start off this way but...) was I a fool to think that I would be able to sleep with my ex and he not start thinking he could create a relationship out of it?

Apparently, that answer is yes. He called this morning, 9:45, to ask if I would be willing to hang out with him today. He said he would really appreciate it if he could see me. I asked what was wrong because it seemed to me that if you need to see someone that badly there must be something going on. Nothing, he said he just wanted to spend time with me.

I asked him if he remembered what we discussed about our relationship. He said he did, and I told him it was sort of creepy that he was acting the way he was. He apologized and said he understood that there would never be another chance for him and that I am in love with another man.

He sounded disappointed when I told him I was spending the day with my boyfriend. Sort of sweet, my boyfriend is taking the afternoon off because I am off of work today (thanks Columbus!) and we haven't been able to spend that much time together lately.

Oh well - gotta go. Talk to you guys soon!

Music Selection

2006-10-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

This is just an FYI....

There is this chick, Corinne Bailey Rae, if you haven't checked out her CD (by the same name) please do.

My sister brought it back from London in April and it's still one of my first Playlists in my iPOD. Very hot!

Someone to Love

2006-10-08T09:01:00.000-05:00

Is it cheating if I slept with my ex-boyfriend even though my actual boyfriend is married?

I feel horrible. I am guilt ridden, but I can't tell him because oddly enough, he would never forgive me. I just had to do it. I was insatiable and he was... With his wife :(

Now the ex won't stop calling even though I made it VERY clear that we were only fucking. He now wants to hang out as if we are dating. He gave me this sappy card. I have dug a hole for myself.

How do I get rid of the guilt and the ex? Please someone tell me that I am not an evil whore. It was a compulsion and it had to be filled right then and there. Please tell me someone out there understands what I am talking about.

I have a lot of compulsions. I have to have sex, I have to spend money, I have to eat food until I cannot anymore. I have to have. Everything in excess. Because nothing is never enough. There isn't enough sex, money, clothes, food, and love to fill the void.

Is it that I cannot get the concept that out-of-sight does not mean out-of-mind, and that I am still loved even if he's not here? Or is it that I am looking for love outside of myself so much that I will take anything I can get? I think it's a combo of the two.

Somedays I just feel so fucked up. Like I am beyond help because the void is so deep. My therapist is pushing me back towards doing EMDR. I stopped last time because it was too painful, I have to stop avoiding, but it hurts too much.

Someone, please give me a little advice.

Too Much, Part 2

2006-10-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I ended up calling my crackdealer and she thought my inability to concentrate and overall ADHD may have been coming from too much Abilify.

I have been hitting the Xanax pretty darn hard lately and taking Klonipin to sleep on occasion. She had me go from 20 mgs of Abilify to 15 mgs to see if it helped. Yesterday I was terribly shaky and needing to dope down, but today really isn't as bad as it was. I think I may be starting to feel a little more like myself again. I am still exhausted though. The initial acclimation period for me was about 2 weeks, so I am anticipating the same now.

My crack dealer met my Psychologist yesterday. I know they talk to each other about me, keeping check, or maybe just gossiping, but it was sort of weird hearing that they met. All I could think was what were they saying about me. Who told what. Obviously, my crack dealer gets the condensed version of everything my Psych hears on a bi-weekly basis, but still. It's kind of like when you have 2 friends that you share different things with and when they meet you are wondering what it is they are saying about you, like what you shared with them. Maybe I am just paranoid from the depression.

I am definitely depressed. I am supposed to throw a party at the end of the month, I was really psyched to throw it and now I am so not into it at all. I don't want to go out and walk, I can even almost care less if I see my boyfriend. All I want to do is lay in bed. I am not cleaning, I am not doing much of anything but eating and gaining weight.

I cant' wait for this to be over. I know every day is going to be a little bit better, but if we could get one day that was extraordinary, I would be so appreciative.

Too Much

2006-10-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

First let me say a HUGE "thank you" to you all out there. Things are not going very well for me right now, but I know that with folks like you in my life it will get better soon. I appreciate your warm wishes and belief in me so much.

My boyfriend and I made up, I have found that when I am depressed anxiety takes over and makes me very irrational; so when my demands are not met, I leave the situation.

Right now I am being confronted with all my insecurities not only in my home life, but at work also. While I have been doing much better at work, it still is a VERY difficult situation for me. My self-esteem is a huge problem for me. I wish there were some way to just wave a wand and have everything be perfect, but that's not possible. I have to find a way to get through so that every little bobble and bump is not the end for me.

Friday my manager was telling me that I was improving at work and she asked me to just "stay the course and hang in there." Funny, because my boyfriend asked me to do the same, "just give me a chance" was his version. There is no control for me in either of those statements, that makes me anxious. I think if I just heard some good things from my manager then I would feel better. I would feel confident in the job I am doing, but as of now, I don't feel confident at all.

I know part of this is because I am depressed right now. My cycles have been more and more rapid lately. I love the mania because it makes things wonderful for work, but when I go through the depression, it just makes me want to avoid work and everything else. I feel like if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to do it at all.

I am going to try today to start being more positive. I need to train my thoughts to be on the positive side. Now, I absolutely hate Cognitive therapy. I think it's cheesy, change your "negative commentary." Whatever! But I can try to be a little more positive about things. That I can control.

I hate fighting with myself like this. Just trying to maintain day by day, and no one in my life seems to understand what I am going through. They wake up in a good mood. Happy and ready to face the day. All I want to do is not face anything, not do anything, not go anywhere, not deal. It feels like too much. Too much reality, too much life.

Here I go again naming a Post after a song, but it is what it is. It's Too Much!

A Lot

2006-09-26T19:42:00.000-05:00

going on...

of pain...

of depression...

of work....

of loss (broke-up w/boyfriend)...

of mourning...

of fear...

of meds...

of everything...

Sleep Aid Addiction

2006-09-16T09:13:00.001-05:00

Funny thing... I think I may be mentally addicted to sleeping aids.

Last night around 10:45 I was exhausted. I was lying in bed and falling asleep. I hadn't taken anything to put me to sleep, I was just tired. I realized at 11:00 that I was falling asleep and made myself get up and get ready for bed. I was so tired I could barely move to brush my teeth, etc. However, before getting in the bed I grabbed the bottle of Ambien CR and took one. Once i took it I said to myself, "now why did I just do that, I don't need it."

It's not just Ambien, because I don't takt that every night. Sometimes it's Xanax or if I am in pain also it's Tylenol w/codeine or Oxy if the pain is bad (I really try not to use this one), or Klonipin. The point is the act of taking a drug to sleep is becoming second nature to me.

That sucks.

By the way, I'm broke.... Have a mentioned that today ;-)

Long Time No Post

2006-09-16T08:53:00.001-05:00

Things have been so hectic in my life lately.

Work is functioning at 3,000,000 miles per hour as is my social life (lots of b-days) and my boyfriends wife found out about us. She actually emailed me yesterday. This is their anniversary weekend also. I have no idea what will happen there, but he seems to be prepared for losing her. He said he was doing alright and for me not to worry.

Yesterday I suggested that he and I break things off because it seemed like this was becoming too big, too much for his life and that I didn't want our relationship to end his marriage. He said that wasn't for me to worry about and that he wasn't ready to let me go. So, oh well.

I have been invited to a Partylite party at a friends house this evening. I REALLY want to go, but I have absolutely no money at all. One accounts in the negative and the other has literally $1.40 in it. I have some hair products that I have to return because they make my hair flake so that will give me at least $30, but they will have to refund it to my checkcard. Oh well. I have been trying to get in touch with my sister to see if she wants to go with me to the party then I won't have to worry about money. The party is a ways away so I would need cash just to have in my pocket.

Life is what life is, right? I just don't understand why I can't seem to get this money thing straight. Even when I should have money, I just spend and spend until I literally have nothing. I do better with cash, so maybe that's where I need to stay. I already have 2 checking accounts, one for fun and the other for bills. It's the bill account that I keep overdrawing and it's because I keep taking money out of it after I have gone through the $300 I set aside to spend for 2 weeks.

$300 is enough to carry me through 2 weeks even if I bought lunch everyday, which I don't. I just don't get it. I really need help in managing my funds.

I am really hoping for a raise sometime soon, but I just received an 8.25% raise in April.

Calm

2006-09-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

Finally, I word I like to describe myself!

I have been quite calm lately. My sleeping seems to be evening out a bit. I am attending a workshop in DC this week, so I have to get up at 5:30, it's torture, but it certainly puts my butt to bed at night.

The boyfriend is driving back from NC this evening. I am going to have a talk with him because I feel really disconnected lately. Ever since he went through the crap with his wife being nosey, things have changed. It may be that the changes have been on my end. Actually I think they have been, but I miss us. I miss talking about how much we love each other, and how much we care about one another and all the ushy, gushy crap I usually hate.

He'll call me on his way in, and I guess we can talk then. Our time has been limited lately; his job is busier, my job is busier.

I just really miss him.

MUST SLEEP...

2006-09-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Help!!!!!
I am the epitome of exhausted, and manic. I am more concerned about the sleep deprivation.

(Funny note: I live on a golf course so I have this picture window, which my computer faces so I can see all the golfers drive by and play whatever hole it is that faces my apartment. Anyway, these guys just got totally lost, pulled up to my window/patio door (they are next to each other) to ask for directions in their golf cart.)

I cannot sleep more than 6 hours even with the Xanax and Ambien. I have not tried taking the Seroquel, but that's because believe it or not, I get very stressed about side effects and interactions. See I take 29 pills a day for the Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and this Bipolar crap. Not to mention the eye drops and inhalers, etc. So when it comes to adding pills I get very apprehensive. It's only 25 mgs of Seroquel, I mean c'mon. You can go up to like 600 mgs of the med I think.

I have also started to walk again today and get back on Weight Watchers... Yes I know you have heard this before, but if losing weight and exercise may help balance me out, I am going to try it. I had a great walk this morning, although now of course my knees are killing me. I have to get my Prednisone down to decrease the possibility of the Abilify keeping me in a state of mania. I hate this balancing act.

I have started taking the Abilify in the morning to try and get some sleep at night. I think I might try to sleep tonight on my own w/o anything and see what happens.

Anyway, please wish me luck. I am going to go and do some work then take a lon hot bath. I think I have to drop by my parents today :(

Flight of Thought

2006-08-31T19:03:00.000-05:00

That's what my therapist called it. Last night I sat on her love seat, I refulse to lay on the couch, and vomited words for an entire hour. Usually she will take notes, do the therapist thing, but not last night. No way, she just put down her pen and paper and let me fly. And I was flying at 100 mph.

I came up with an idea for a marketing campaign that Abilify can use. They can show the Audubon, but instead of cars, there will be streams of thoughts, sentences, phrases, words flying by one another, bumping into one another, cutting each other off. That's what it's like.

I had been "normal" all day. I was in a good mood, but by the time I got to her, I was so manic is was ridiculous. I was going to say it was crazy, but well...

Then I crashed after I left. Not that I was depressed, but just okay. Then today, my co-workers were like, are you alright? I was told my energy wasn't like it usually is. I was alright, just not manic. I have been getting a great deal done, and especially since my job requires me to be very creative that's been great. Needless to say there is the fact that I can't sleep well and the fact that I had to borrow $500 from my parents and now I have about $25 left after rent is paid. Oh well, time to tap into the sad little, and mean little, savings account. I cannot ask them for help again.

Boyfriend update... I got upset with him today, and I am not even certain as to why. He found out his wife was coming into town tonight which means that I won't see or talk to him until next Tuesday. Plus I am leaving town next Wed. AARRGGHH!!!

Oh well, I apologized for yelling at him, it's not he could stop her from coming. He was just like, "we'll make it work next week." I hope so.

No Songs Today

2006-08-30T12:56:00.000-05:00

I have been REALLY busy at work, which is where I am now taking lunch at my desk which seems to be becoming a habit lately. I stopped at the Roots market, which is local vegan/veggie/healthy spot and made a salad. I feel good about that!

I see my therapist today and have to tell her that I cannot pay her today or next session, but oh well. We have a lot to talk about, but I am intent on not crying today because I already have a headache ensuing and I don't want to make it any worse.

The Abilify has been working great. I have even lost some weight! I have been REALLY shaky, I mean terrible tremors, but they seem to be subsiding. It makes me a little anxious so I have been taking a little Xanax, and sleeping has been a slight challenge. Not bad enough for me to take the Seroquel, but I wake up early. But I feel pretty good and that's all that matters.

Nothing else really going on. Just one day at a time.

Grant me the serenity!

Where Does the Good Go?

2006-08-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

It's funny how all of my posts tend to have something to do with a song I happen to be listening to at the time I am posting. That's usually due to the fact that iTunes is typically blasting when I am going through this process.

So things have been pretty bad these last couple of weeks. I honestly thought I was going to have to check in for a little quiet time on the 6th floor of Montgomery General Hospital. Luckily it did not come to that. I was feeling VERY unstable. So there in lies my question...

Where does the good go?

I was so happy, so high, and then the rug was pulled out from under me. I was flying and then shot out of the sky into this gaping black hole deep, deep in my soul. Of course I understand the "good" was mania, but it was good.

Today is day 4 on the Abilify and I think I am starting to feel a little more even. I have to be careful though because the Abilify mixed with Prednisone can induce mania.

I hadn't noticed that I really had "checked out" of wok for 2 months or so. Really I hadn't produced anything. Crazy. I am a lot more focused now. I am developing and designing training, but I am also tired. I have told myself that I am not going to work tonight, but I feel like I need to. I have agreed to go into the office on Sunday because I just can't get everything done during the week. My manager picked up on the fact that I have been distracted lately. I had to finally explain to her what was going on and she was very understanding. We will see if it stays that way.

My crack-dealer gave me a sample pack of 25 mg Seroquel to take if the Abilify makes it impossible for me to sleep. Apparently that happens for a lot of people. I have been on the exhausted end of the Abilify. So I haven't taken the Seroquel.

I have started, just today, back on Weight Watchers. This is going to be my one thing that I can control. I really need that right now. Just one thing I can count on being able to predict. The funny thing about that is my life is such chaos, and I prefer it to be that way, but here I am looking for something to control. We shall see how it goes. My eating has been out of control. Completely in excess, but then again so has everything else, which is what happens for me when I'm manic. Food, sex, spending, whatever just in EXCESS!

I am finding myself having more and more conversations with myself. Not sure what that's about, but I ask myself questions, answer them, whatever.

As for the love life... It has been a great week. He stayed over Monday and last night. We had dinner Tuesday, but couldn't hook up Wednesday due to work (on both our parts). His wife is still stressing him and he shared that one day he will just wake up with the weight of the world on his head and just call her and tell her he wants a divorce. He is really getting tired of the "drama". One can only hope he gets tired of it sooner than later!

And Another Day

2006-08-24T10:20:00.000-05:00

So it's the fourth day of Abilify. It makes my head and ears hurt, but other than that things are okay. I am sleeping but waking up a little groggy. My chest hurts but I think it's a Lupus thing and not the meds. Side effects usually wear off in a week so I am holding out for my week to end.

My boyfriend and I have been getting along really well this week. No one is putting any pressure on anyone for anything. Things are really easy and I am very happy about it. He is calling me constantly and I must admit I am loving the attention.

Work is getting a bit better. I have been working a lot of extra hours and staying in the game. My manager said she realizes that I am really focused now. It's draining, but I am managing.

As It Stands Now...

2006-08-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

Well, as we know things have not been going well for me lately. I am not sure if I posted (pretty sure I didn't) about my manager telling me that she notices I have not been "focused" lately at work. She actually said that she has noticed this for about 2 months or so. I had to break down and explain things to her, which is not a bad thing. She knew I was Bipolar so me explaining gave her insight into what it is I am dealing with.

I went to the crack dealer yesterday and she gave me Abilify and 25 mgs of Seroquel to take if the Ambien or Xanax can't get me to sleep. Took the Abilify last night and it made me hazy but not totally sleepy. I took Ambien and slept like a baby. I've been having night sweats, not too sure what's up with that. I am a little tired today, but it's not that bad.

My boyfriend resurfaced yesterday and stayed the night. Apparently when I decided to "let him go" it got his attention. Things were weird, but they are getting to be a little more familiar, slowly. I am still not calling him, I wait for him to call me, and he called 6 times yesterday.

Oh, I have to go back to work, they moved my cube since too many people were stopping to talk to me. My cube was right next to the coffee machine, the talking was kind of unavoidable.

Is Anyone Out There?

2006-08-20T18:02:00.000-05:00

Last week was terrible. Beyond difficult. I have withdrawn from those around me because I am not certain what else to do.

I saw my therapist on Wednesday and fessed up to all of my feelings and behaviors while she was gone. She thinks that I ended up in such a state because my usual safety blankets were no longer available.

I have a tendency to drain people in my life when I am depressed or manic so I try not to involve anyone in my life during these times.

I will make an appointment with my crack dealer and find out what the next step is in medication changes. I need something more powerful because the Lamictal isn't taking care of all it needs to.

I am trying to get myself together for work this week, and for the possibility that my "boyfriend" may be out of my life for good. He has asked that I give him a chance to get himself/thoughts/feelings together. I told him that I wouldn't call him, he will have to call me. We'll see...

If anyone is out there, please respond because I haven't heard from anyone in a while. Maybe no one is reading anymore.

What's Wrong With Me?

2006-08-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

It hurts so badly. Life that is. My best friend asked me what it is that I am so upset about. Why I am crying so much, why I can't seem to be happy about anything. The thing is I have no answer for her. All I could do was tell her I have a few really great days when I am on top of my game, when I feel smart and beautiful and full of energy (sometimes a week or 2 like this if I am lucky); and then just like that the rug is pulled from under you. I have a day of blankness. I can't describe my mood; I have no idea of how I am supposed to react or feel, and then the abyss.

I am so far in the abyss right now. I need to see my psychiatrist and can't afford to, and I don't want to have to ask my parents for the money, again. My therapist is finally back from vacation, but I still have to wait until Wednesday to see her. I made things horrible with my boyfriend this evening; I made a complete fool of myself.

My head is so tormented by everything and there isn't enough medication in the world. The vodka I mixed with the meds isn't doing it either. I haven't been treated with an antidepressant in years (Serzone was the last about 10 years ago) so maybe it's time to venture out on that limb again. The Lamictal is handling the mania, it's the depression that I am having trouble with.

I am going to be hung over in the morning. It's 1:00 a.m. and I have to be on top of my game tomorrow.. So much for that, plus I have this networking event I am supposed to go to. Yet another situation in which I will have to put on the faux face.

Oblivion, that's what I crave. I was going to try to watch the broadcast of the DMB show from Florida since I missed it Saturday, but I don't even want to do that. I am in trouble and I know it, but now is not a good time for a breakdown or a hospital visit, but I am afraid that it may be required soon if things don't improve...

Reflections and Possibilities

2006-08-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

God, yesterday was horrible. I was so depressed (I still am now, but not as bad)and not sure what to do with myself. I ran my many errands all the while watching the clock wondering how many hours until I could go to bed and not feel funny about being in bed so early.

To eat up time I played games on the computer then took a VERY long bath. Crying the entire time. While in the bath I debated on the best way to kill myself. I landed on the old standby of slitting the wrists. That way I could slip away in a wonderfully perfumed bath. I realized that had I done it yesterday, I could have been in there at least until around noon today, dead, with no one to bother me. My roommate would not have come searching for me unless someone called, and even if they did she would probably just figure that I was in the shower and leave a note on the bedroom door. She goes to work before I do, so if I wasn't up she wouldn't have noticed.

Now, if I had missed my 10:00 meeting today for the Fall Campaign then someone would have noticed. They would probably call my roommate, who would call the apartment and my cell phone. Once she got no answer she would call my family and then proceed to the apartment at which time my body would be discovered.

Now, don't you all (whomever may be reading) get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not offing myself anytime soon; it's just I have these thoughts when days get bad. I know I can't be the only one out there. My therapist is back in town and I see her on Wednesday evening. I REALLY need to see her. That may be part of the reason that I have been so damn needy of other folks lately because I haven't seen her in 3 weeks.

Boyfriend update, I will see him tonight but it's very hard for me to be excited. This last week has taken a toll on me emotionally that has lead to some trust issues for me. I may feel different this evening, who knows.

Quiet Sunday

2006-08-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here trying not to cry because it amazes me just how easy it is for me to shut off feelings.

See something happened when I was little that made me realize that the people that you are supposed to trust and rely on in life can betray that very easily. Ever since then, I have decided that in order to keep that from happening again, I just won't allow anyone close enough to hurt me. If I don't care, then I can't get hurt. Therefore people are always kept at a distance. If I do let them in and they betray my trust or love in anyway, I can shut them out.

So what I am coming to see is that this is happening with my boyfriend. I can feel it happening, in some way the time we are apart seems like a betrayal to me and I am shutting down. This scares me because tomorrow when he "resurfaces" he is going to expect things to be normal and they won't be. Even worse he is going to ask me to talk about it. My heart aches because of this. I am not sure how to not have it happen. I just always assume people are going to hurt me so I try to avoid it at all costs. If this means I am alone in order not to be hurt, then I am afraid I would find a way to be okay with that.

I cannot let this rule the rest of my life. I know not everyone is out there to hurt me, but it really feels that way. I have no problem establishing relationships, but they are never completely authentic because I let very few people in close enough to really get to know me. I want to let someone know me. The feeling me, the funny me, the hurt me, the loving me, the real me.

My theme song would be, 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan.

"Hold on to yourself, 'cause this gonna hurt like hell."

Changing My Focus

2006-08-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

So I have decided not to let my boyfriend consume so much of my brain space. I spend a lot of time thinking/talking about him and our problems.

So today, I am getting back to my life as it existed without him in it. I have enjoyed my customary cup of Starbuck's in front of my beautiful window looking out onto the golf course, and now I am blogging. Once complete, I will go and CLEAN!!!!

I love to clean, which many people do not understand, but I do. I have to be careful though because when I am stressed and really anxious the OCD becomes unbearable on the cleanliness side. Did I mention that when I was on vacation we stopped at a gas station and I went to pee. The bathroom was hideous. I made my sister wait so I could buy water to clean the bottoms of my shoes because I was afraid the bacteria would transfer to my feet and other places in her truck and ultimately make everyone end up with E. Coli and maybe die. Then again I am a person who didn't get their license until they were 19 because I was afraid I was going to kill someone. WHATEVER!

It's funny how these thoughts are so real to me, but then the minute I open my mouth to speak them outloud I feel like such a weird-ass because I hear just how skewed the thoughts are. Anyway, I have to clean my bathroom with Clorox to keep the E. Coli from spreading and making me and any visitors sick.

I am able to keep my cleaning to my personal space now without feeling that I have to obsessively clean the entire apartment. This is a huge feat for me. When I first moved the cleaning "ritual" was taking about 5 hours on Saturday. And it had to be done on Saturday. Believe me, the apartment is not dirty at all. My roommate is VERY neat and we aren't here very much at all, only in the evenings, if then.

So I will clean my bathroom (cleaned weekly, not an option) and room (now cleaned bi-weekly), I will clean the kitchen and run the dishwasher (weekly, bug infestation fear), and vacuum the apartment. This takes about 2 hours tops.

My sister and I are headed to Georgetown this evening to go to Lush and buy some wonderful body products so I can come home and enjoy a bath! Then depending on how I feel when I get back I may do a little work.

I am excited. It's a beautiful day, a great day to hang in the city and maybe even buy a new purse from a street vendor. Even better!

Friday at Home

2006-08-11T16:06:00.000-05:00

Home sick today... The stress finally caught up with me. Lupus flare; a lot of pain and exhaustion. Everything HURTS!

Here's the problem, I suck at being sick. I am, by nature and lack of mental stabillity, a busy body. So being sick kills me. I can't stand not being able to be out and about doing something. The lining of my stomach is inflamed... OUCH! I swear, I would never wish this illness on my worst enemy, it is horrible. Taking 29, yes I said 29, pills a day SUCKS! I don't usually bitch and moan but today I am. This shit isn't fair, no one should have to deal with this. If anyone is interested, check out the LFA site for a little light reading. (www.lupus.org)

My next tattoo will be a butterfly since this is the symbol of lupus because of this lovely rash we get on our faces. The thing is, I am not a fan of butterfly tattoos and they stike me as somewhat boring; but I think it would be beneficial because if I can't conquer this disease at least by experiencing the pain of the tatto and making it a more spiritual process then maybe symbolically I can overcome it. Tattoos are very therapeutic, and actually not that painful.

Boyfriend... We are still having to lay low. She will be here this weekend. He says he wishes he could come take care of me and that he really misses being around me. I am so frustrated by the situation, but it's what I chose for myself. He always asks if it's okay with me that we can't see each other until next week. Why does it matter, I have no choice. He says he just doesn't want me upset so he asks. Oh well...

Still Sitting, Still Tortured

2006-08-10T12:06:00.000-05:00

We won't be seeing each other tonight, and although he will be in town this weekend we probably won't be seeing each other tomorrow. He wants to let things clear up before we start seeing each other again. This is killing me and breaking my heart because I want him to want to be with me. So now I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to make a decision that I can be comfortable with.

I am on the back-burner. I am not sure how to respond and it hurts, it really hurts. He was all happy this morning when I talked to him, and I was in a good place myself but as soon as I asked if we would see each other and he told me about the hiatus I shut down and got off the phone.

I am trying to occupy myself with the 10,000 things that I need to get done here at work, but it's impossible. I want to pick up the phone and call him, but to say what? There is nothing I can say that will change anything. My feelings at this point, in this situation are mute and that kills me. I don't think he intends for it to be that way, but it is. Literally what I need from him doesn't matter right now.

What should I do?

Sat In It

2006-08-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

So as soon as I finished posting, my cell rang and it was him.

He is still "working on things", but he's good. He said we would probably see each other tomorrow, so that's good.

I am still sitting in it.

Having To "Sit In It"

2006-08-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

The Married Boyfriend situation is on red alert. Things have been rocky this week, and today I finally found out why...

His wife has become suspicious; and so she's checking his voicemails, emails, and going through his calls on the cell bill. Okay. We figured a while ago that I can't leave voicemails, and we do not email each other. Typically, unless I am calling from work, I block my number. But then there are the records of his calls to me, so I guess it becomes a little more difficult to explain the 12:30 a.m. call to my number that lasted for 2 hours. (Phone-boning, as my friend would call it).

So, Sunday night we went to dinner and he leaves his cell phone (his life-line) in the car. I asked him if he meant to do it and he said yes. Turns out he left it in the car so he wouldn't have to talk to her when she called. He then proceeds to stay at my place that night even though he had made no arrangements to "cover his tracks".

Monday we were very stressed because we were fighting. We were fighting because he didn't tell me all that was going on and that lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. We got that out of the way. So today he calls me to make sure I am alright, as he does everyday, and he tells me I may see him tonight. I was excited, of course. He then says that the way things are going he was either going to have a really bad night or a really good one; but that so long as it was either I would see him. If the night was in-between I would not.

Later he calls and tells me I won't see him because he has to handle his situation tonight because he can't take it anymore. My initial instinct was "OH SHIT!" My stomach began to crumble with just the thought of losing him. See I have come to realize as I lay there next to him at night, and wake up to his beautiful face in the morning that he's the one for me. He's it. I see my future and all that corny crap. The mere idea of that leaving me is inconceivable. I just love him so much!

I asked if I should have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach because I did. He said, "yes" at first, but then asked why I had that feeling. I told him because I am afraid that this would be the end. He told me that he had created this, and he was going to take care of it tonight. He said he would call me later this evening if he could. I told him I would appreciate it because he would be on my mind. We said our "I love you's" and got off the phone. He never said that he wasn't going to break things off with me.

I talked to him briefly while he was in a dinner meeting and he said he'd call me in about an hour, he was upbeat mood but he never called. I called at about 10:50 and no answer. He always calls before he goes to bed, usually round midnight so I am sitting here with both my cell and land line waiting.

My therapist says I need to try and sit in my anxiety. Just "sit in it" and see what happens. Well I have no choice but to sit in this. No amount of food or drugs is going to take away this growing emptiness in the pit of my stomach or the tears that I am crying because I am so scared. See if I lose him, I am most afraid that it will trigger a depression and I am not sure if I am strong enough to handle that right now.

How do you prepare yourself for the bottom to drop out?

My friends all think I am crazy thinking that he's going to break things off with me considering all that we have shared. They can't see how he would even choose her. I never discount anything. It has been my experience that life is funny that way, and I am a believer in self-preservation.

Please pray that he picks me.

In the words of Meredith Grey, "pick me, choose me!" I need to know that for once, someone loves me back as much as I love them. And I truly love him everything I am.

YUCK!

2006-08-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning, practically afternoon feeling pretty crappy.

My throat hurt, head hurt, congested, and overall tired. I took the Ambien CR last night and crashed. I am not sure if I felt so bad today because I slept so hard last night, or maybe it was just from shear exhaustion. Anyway, some Excedrin/Mucinex later, I still feel a little bogged, but definitely better.

I need to do laundry and clean up my room and bathroom but I am not motivated. I have elected to spend the entire day in the bed. I have drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day, so maybe I really am fighting off a bug or something because I ONLY nap when I am sick. My throat was bothering me a little yesterday but not a lot. My interns have all been sick at work. One had strep, one had mono, and the other had an unidentified "virus". I was joking with them that they have been screwing all summer and that I wanted to be the Godmother of any children that come from it! I didn't think of me catching anything because I am already taking an antibiotic (for a sinus infection post-beach) and I sprayed everything with Lysol at work. Oh well. Hopefully I will feel well tomorrow.

Mentally doesn't matter today because I have had no contact with anyone. I have talked to my roommate who is in bed today also recovering from a weeklong hangover (she was away at a professional conference). We briefly played with the idea of going to see Talladega Nights this evening but since it's 7:23 pm and we are both still in pjs I don't think that will happen.

I talked to my sister who was last going bike riding (good for her!), but other than that, nothing. And of course I spoke to my mother who was, as usual, complaining about her back hurting. She's a narcissist and a hypochondriac. I asked her if she had taken her pain meds - of course not. Did I mention she's also extremely depressed, co-dependent, and agoraphobic? Oh yeah, and she's a blast to be around. Little ray of sunshine that woman :(

I don't have the energy to start on her, I am getting sleepy again and my throat needs another dose of cloroseptic.

Oh by the way... My spellchecker isn't working for some reason, so ignore the typing errors.

And The Saga Continues

2006-08-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

Since it's been a while, let's do a bipolar activity update...

Sleeping is limited and choppy at best. This week has been horrible for sleeping and I am really feeling it. I was taking Xanax while I was at the beach to sleep and to deal with the environment (my mother), but I was waking very early, 6:00 am, that entire week and now if/when I finally get to sleep I can't stay that way. I will try some Ambien CR tonight and see if that works because I am VERY sleepy.

As for my mood, I have had a week full of helping others, which is good so I have been pretty happy, but a little unproductive at work due to the exhaustion. I am really hoping for a different outcome for next week.

Things are going well in life for me now, which freaks me out a bit. It's like I am afraid of being happy and letting go, just letting things happen, but I am trying to "just sit in it" as my therapist would say. As for my crack dealer (aka psychiatrist), I flaked and cancelled my appointment with her because I can't afford to go right now. I should have called and said I can't pay you, but I think I really need to check in. Well didn't do it, and now her assistant keeps leaving messages for me to reschedule and I haven't called back.

Work...
More projects, more work, still no new employee to fill my position, nothing else new. Same shit - different day.

Finances...
I am managing to pay some bills down, but right now I am REALLY low on funds. I am not going to my parents though, I refuse. I will make it work somehow. Not certain how because I don't want to ask my boyfriend or anyone else. We will seee, just one day at a time. I am making progress, but it's not easy.

Love...
Recap - last night during dinner he became really stressed and tired. He left at about 9:30 pm. My phone rings at 11:30 and it's him telling me he would be over at 12:30. I was confused but very excited that he was coming. I was actually anxioous and nervous becasue I wasn't sure why he was coming and I wanted him here as soon as possible so I could find out what the occasion was that he was able to come over so late. Since he's beeen staying with his brother-in-law, this has not been possible.

Anyway, he showed up visibly upset, and shows me his Blackberry which has been smashed against the dashboard of his truck and is now crushed. Okay, he tells me that he had been planning to surprise me by coming over to spend the night tonight by telling his wife that she needed to book a hotel room for him for the night because the lack of air conditioning in her brother's house. Well, she didn't make the reservations which is what hhe found out about while we were at dinner, hence the stress. So he headed to his brother's place. While on the way she called again, they faught, he slammed the phone. Gets to his brother's and is like, fuck it he was still coming to me. Next thing I know he's at my door. He takes a shower, we make love, he cried and promised me this was going to all work out (whatever that means, I don't ask questions I don't want the answer to) and he loved me. He said there's a lot that he has to figure out and take care of.

Okay, so he typically goes to his house in NC on the weekends to be with her. He leaves Friday morning and returns either late Sunday night or Monday morning. Well, he calls me at work today to ask what time I would be home from work. I'm like I was going to leave in about a half hour, so I would be there at 6:00. He's like okay, I'll see you then.

"What?"
"I'll see you at 6:00, decide where you want to go for dinner. No wait, I want a burger so Red Robin?"
"Okay, I will see you when I get home."

Shortly after 6:00 pm he was knocking on my door. He told me he could stay until he had to go to the airport. Instead of him going there he booked her a flight here, purposefully on the time that does not have a direct flight so she had an 1 1/2 hour layover in Atlanta. Also, he booked her to fly out at 8:00 am on Sunday and that he would be here shortly after he dropped her off and wwould stay over Sunday night. This way we would only miss one day apart. Then he tells me he's trying and for me to just be patient.

I am not used to men wanting or better yet going out of their way to be with me, and this is so hard because as he tells me what she does to him or says it hurts me because he's such a good guy. My roommate is apalled because he has obviously ended up with a woman that just wants to take advantage of him. He is a wonderful man who has an amazing heart. He's not the most romantic guy in a conventional way, but he is thoughtful, and afterall he accepts me. Lupus, mental breakdowns, horrible credit and broke, emotional baggage and all.

I will miss him tomorrow, but for once it's only ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to say it, but I really hope he leaves her. God, I said I wasn't going to do this but here we go.

La La Land

2006-08-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

First off let me just say that if I can give anyone any advice in life at all it is, "never get involved with a married man." It's just too difficult.

Tonight I have come to realize that I am not used to someone loving me. Being in love with me that is. I have never really had that in my life. Sure, I have had a lot of twisted versions of what other people may thin love is, but never have I been with someone who seems to have the same understanding. Now of course the biggest issue is the fact that he is married. Why he is, I don't know. Will he stay that way? I have no idea...

He realized that he said and did some really dumb things last night. He told me that he was being prideful and very dumb and it didn't matter about my past but that now was what really mattered. He was having a lot of pressures from home that he shared with me which are stupid beyond belief and piss me off. I am not pissed because here is this man that has been breaking his ass to provide a particular type of lifestyle for his family (meaning the wife) and it's being taken for granted, but because I cannot stand to see people being treated unfairly in any sense. He has a lot of pressure on him and we finally talked about it. He needs help with the little things that he has no time to do, but he can't bring himself to ask for help.

I noticed the other day when we were having a conversation about his business that he had a a financial business need but yet he didn't ask me for help. I don't mean he was asking me for money, I mean due to my line of business I am in a position to connect him with the people he needs to make things happen, and very quickly. This would benefit not only him and his business, but my line of business also. I connected him with the right people and it's a win-win situation for everyone. He's stressed by the thought of how to handle the amount of money that is coming in for him. I obviously work in the financial field so it only made sense that I help.

Today he was becoming overwhelmed with needing to go buy some clothes for work since he has the bulk of his clothes at the house where she is and not here but he can't find the time. Duh, I shop like every weekend, just give me the sizes and the cash and I will get you some clothes. All he needs are extra Polo's and khakis. He was actually amazed that I would do that for him. I stopped and told him that I have noticed that he is not used to having someone there to help him and support him. He fessed up to the fact that he doesn't have anyone to vent to and the times he has wanted to vent to me he hasn't because he is supposed to be my problem-solver. I told him that even the problem-solver needs someone to lean on from time to time and that I was here to be that person, that's what you do when you love someone and it's okay. I assured him that based on his actions in the past, I know he's my problem-solver and that I could not lose sight of that. He just looked at me, hugged me, kissed me, and then thanked me.

I mean the man was worried about finding time to do laundry. Why not bring it over to my place when you come and wash then... Kill 2 birds with one stone. Needless to say, his laundry will be clean from now on :) Anyway, he just shared that he has never had anyone want to be there for him with the intention of finding ways to make his life easier and it be an honest want.

We were very connected tonight, which we typically are. He is going to move out of his brother-in-laws place in Sept. because it's just straining us and our time together. He is also is having her come here this weekend so that she can leave Sunday morning and he can spend Sunday afternoon, night, and then Monday night with me. God the stolen moment planning is ridiculous. It's the part I hate the most, but it is what it I, and I have chosen this for myself.

On another note... We went to Comp USA tonight before going out to dinner (which of course was at my favorite restaurant) to get some junk for his piece of junk pc. While there I found the JBL Creature II subwoofer speakers that I wanted for my Mac. The black ones were on clearance, but my Mac is white (as they all are now). Next thing I know, he's off with the sales guy hunting down the white, so-not-on-clearance speakers. All I have to say is the DMB Central Park show has never sounded so good! I love my new speakers!!!!! I guess he has found the real way to my heart. A little Mac goes a long way with me :)

The Long Night...

2006-08-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

So, I was stood up yesterday by the "Married Boyfriend"! He called earlier in the day to tell me he had a business dinner come up and that he would be over at 8:30 or 9:00. Well, I waited until 9:00 and when he still hadn't shown, I called him. He called me back to tell me that he was still in the meeting and would be leaving there in about 45 minutes. Granted I was disappointed, but I do understand the nature of sales.

Anyway, 10:30 comes, then 11:00, then 11:30 and no man. I call and no answer. Finally around 12:15 am he calls me back. Of course by now I am wondering if he was okay, what was wrong, etc. Actually my first question was, "are you physically okay?" because I couldn't think of any other reason why he couldn't have called to tell me he wasn't going to show. Needless to say he was fine. Then he proceeds to tell me that the dinner ended in a new contract for him but then his wife called with issues. Nothing major he said just, "typical married stuff!" Whatever! Anyway, as soon as he got off the phone with her he called me.

I was so hurt by the entire situation. I have had too many relationships where my time and my feelings were always put on the backburner for someone else. Someone who for what ever reason thought their time was more important than mine.

Our conversation became pretty deep and not so great. I shared with him how much of a balancing act this relationship is for me and how much it does hurt me that he only sees his end of things. I told him how what's at the heart of it is that I have fallen for a man that will never be mine. I heard and listened when he told me that he wasn't planning on leaving her. I am not delusional and I have not forgotten where I stand. The hard thing is that I am the one who will lose on several levels now. Not only will I eventually (maybe sooner now that we had this conversation)lose the man I love, but I will also lose a great friend. There is no way that after this is all said and done that I will be able to maintain a friendship with him. I don't want to hear about how things are going with him and his wife, I don't want to hear about the hopes and dreams they may have as a couple, whatever.

Now I am assuming that his plan is still to stay with her because I have not been told anything differently. For self-preservation I have to function that way and no other. I cannot let my feelings get hurt any more than they already have.

He really didn't have anything to say. What could he say? All I was left with was him saying he really needed to think about what it is he's doing and what he wants. He says it's so hard because now when he has to go see her on the weekends he doesn't want to and he can't wait to get back here to me. He said it was especially bad last week with me being gone and us not seeing each other for 8 days.

As the conversation progressed he shared with me that he doesn't think that we could be married because he thinks we would talk ourselves out of it. I have no idea what would make him think that of me, other than him not knowing me well enough in that area. I told him my only reservation would be trust. I would know how we ended up together and that would have to be worked on, but if we thought we would want to be together we would have to work on it.

His issue was FUCKED up! He said his problem was that I had been involved (dated and had sex with) a friend of his 5 years ago! Yes I did say F I V E Y E A R S A G O ! And to make matters worse, he was the one that hooked us up. He said he had no idea then that we would be where we are today, and that he knows it's wrong and unfair, but his ego gets in the way.

Now, I am not going to apologize for being the person I was 5-10-15 years ago. It was who I was when I was that person. I have matured and I am no longer that way, nor do I even look to connect with others on a solely sexual basis any longer. People grow and learn, that's life. If he can't accept me with my faults/unconditionally then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I just wish my heart would catch up with my brain on this one. My brain is miles ahead of where my heart is. My heart can't see past how I feel when we are together, how he looks at me and kisses me and makes love to me. My heart is a fool that always gets me into trouble!

He said I would see him tonight... Boy that should be fun. I am simply waiting for the break-up conversation now. The other shoe will drop, I just hope it doesn't happen before the 16th because my therapist is on vacation :(

Welcome Return

2006-08-01T19:39:00.000-05:00

Vacation was long... VERY long. My mother and I as usual fought almost the entire time. My sister believes we fight constantly because I always stand up to her instead of letting her run over me ike she wants to. She thinks to a degree my mother is envious.

So while I was gone over the week, my mood was very stable even with the added stress of being locked up in a condo with my family! So, I will attribute that to the increase in my friend Lamictal and the Xanax that I took. I will say that sleeping has been a difficult thing for me lately. Even the Ambien isn't working which is never a good thing.

I left things in a good place at work so it wasn't too bad getting back, however, I am finding myself kind of falling into the avoidance box again which concerns me, but that will be okay. I have a project in particular that for whatever reason I cannot seem to get out, and so my manager had to remind me of that this week. She's also on my ass about hiring a person for my opening. I am interviewing, but I am not happy with any of the people. I want someone who would be the right fit, not just a body. I have already had to let 2 bodies go. I inherited a broken department and I just want to fix it, and better yet, do it right.

Now as for the love life. I am failing myself because I went into this relationship with this married man thinking I was going to be able to have some control over my emotions, but I am finding that this is just not possible. I am falling head over heels. And the thing about is I am not alone. While I was on vacation all he did was call and tell me how much I was missed, and we even had a dinner date over the phone. He called and asked me where I wanted to go to dinner. He went to that restaurant and then proceeded to talk to me throughout dinner just as if I was there. "I love you" was said A LOT and it was not precipitated by me.

Now the hard part starts. This is when I begin questioning my worthiness of having someone to love me in my life. My self-confidence starts to become a struggle and everything becomes about how to keep him. Yeah, how to keep a man that really isn't mine in the first place. Anyway... He just makes me feel loved, he doesn't have to say it, he just does it. I am not used to that.

The first night on the beach my sister and I went to see a psychic/palm reader. This was not the first time we have seen her, but it had been at least 2 years. The first question she asked me was, "you've been here before haven't you?", okay so very weird. She then proceeded to read my palm and tell me how I am on a constant quest for the truth (ironic, check out the name of the blog!), and that I was a born leader and teacher. Now, I am not going to divulge exactly what it is I do for a living, but you can figure that I obviously manage others, and I will say it is in the field of education!

Here's the clincher... She begins to tell me that I am very lucky and come by money easily. This has always been true in my life. Then she says, just as easily as I come by the money, it leaves my hands... Um, yeah! Finally, she tells me that I am in love with a man. She asked to confirm and I hesitated because I knew it, but tried not to know it if that makes any sense, but then I fessed up. She says that he is very deeply in love with me. She saw marriage around me and paused, "he's married isn't he?" she asked. I was freaked! I admitted that he was, so she tells me that he is not happy and that it wasn't going to last. He loves you she said, and you are the one he is supposed to be with. "You will be together honey, in about 1 1/2 years or 2. You will marry this man, he is your soul mate, and he knows it now. Your dreams and wishes have not come true for you yet, but in 2 years time you will marry him and your wishes will be fulfilled." I was absolutely freaked.

Now, when he called me that night I told him we went to the psychic, he badgered me to tell him what she said, and when I told him he was like, well, you never know what life has in store for you, or for us! Anything is possible he said. He's also been sharing a lot about why things aren't what he wants with his wife. I have to make sure that when he tells me these things that I am speaking from the point of view of a friend and not a girlfriend that really wants him all to herself. I refuse to push him in this situation because if we are meant to be together, it will happen,

So last night was the first time we had seen each other since I returned and it was magical... He has gone to church tonight and we will see each other tomorrow. I jokingly asked if he was going to church to receive absolution for his sins. He looked at me and said, he's going to church to give thanks for the blessings in his life, of which I am one. Plus he said, he can't ask for absolution for something he has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

So there you have it, my life space now as it exists! Now I have a coaching session with my manager tomorrow... We'll see how that goes. Hopefully well. And as for the boyfriend, the hours tomorrow will eke by slowly, but I can't wait until tomorrow night!

Pleasantville

2006-07-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's Friday. Thank God! I am still feeling pretty good, although I will admit, I am starting to feel a little consumed by anxiety. See I have this thing for white. Everything must be white, and perfectly white. Perfectly clean and pure. No spots, no nothing. As I was in the bathroom getting myself ready for my day, I realized I had purple candles in the bathroom. I quickly switched them to white, and then the color of the air freshener started in on me. I think it's the realization that today is my last day to get things straight at work before going away, and it could be that last night was the last time to see my boyfriend for another week and I am going to miss him terribly. We had yet another perfect evening. Just laid on the couch and cuddled and talked about our relationship.

It's pretty ironic that the only really honest and pure relationship I have had in life is one with a married man, but I guess nothing is perfect. Did I mention that he wants to come to therapy with me. Anything he can do to help me be okay with myself.

I am hoping that I can have a relaxing week next week. I am concerned though because my mother is already starting with her neurosis. She is throwing the constant pity party and that is one of the main reasons why I moved out. I just can't take it. The other thing that's bothering me is the fact that I am out of money for the trip. I tried to set aside s little spending cash but crap has come up this week that has kept me from being able to hold on to it. I probably shouldn't worry about that since I know my parents will cover me, but at the same time I don't want that to happen.

I have made a great deal of progress with the money issue. I have managed to refi my car which is cutting my payments by $73 a month, I have finally gotten my therapy debt down below the $1,000 mark, and I have started to pay off some other random bills. Now by no means am I finished or even close to being done with payments, but I am getting a good start. I just need to breathe and find solutions. Sticking to a budget and watching my unnecessary expenditures. Oh wait, that would mean, being responsible! In addition, I am setting aside at least $25 per pay check for the whole rainy day thing...

Translation, maybe I will have some money to get myself out of hock the next time the mania kicks in :)

My summer beach book, which I've already started is "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby. He wrote "High Fidelity" which I loved. Anyway, it looks like a quick and very fun read so I am happy about that. I try to do very light and fun stuff each beach week. Last year was "James and the Giant Peach" and "Superfudge" which was cool because I read with my nephew. Before that was "The Memory of Running" by Ron McLarty. That was by far one of the BEST books I have EVER read. Once I get back here, I will be back in the old Stephen King saddle... The man is a genius!

Health-wise; I am also a little apprehensive about this trip because I have recently been dealing with a Lupus flare and I am always afraid when I have been sick and I travel far from my docs. I will talk to my Rheumatologist today and double check my treatment and my bloodwork results just to get the final "OK". I was really hoping to be able to start taking my Prednisone doses down before leaving, but I know there is no hope of that. Sun exposure greatly increases the chance of Lupus activity and since I am going to the beach, and I don't follow directions and stay out of the sun (I love the sun!) I will need to be on the high doses of steroids at least until I get back and am in the free and clear. Sucks, but it's my reality.

Oh well, I guess I should go take a shower and head off to work. I have to deliver quarterly reviews to my folks today. You know that's always funny because people always tend to think they are doing a better job than they really are. That's the opposite of me because I always think I suck and my manager spends at least 20% of our coaching time showing me where I am being a very effective manager for my department. I just want the best for my folks and when I feel that I don't have the time to provide them with sufficient guidance I feel like a failure. Okay, so I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure in life. I know why this is, but it's so hard to turn off the negative thought switch.

Oh well, that's another conversation for another day. Gotta head to work now!

A Day of Clarity

2006-07-20T12:41:00.000-05:00

So for the last 4 days, I have been mentally/emotionally in a really good place. I am so thanking God for Lamictal in my life.

I know I blogged about my bad night with my wonderful man, but we have reconciled (actually we did later that evening), and I am chalking it up to me PMSing - his being tired (because he is a brat when he's sleepy) - and the fact that he's a man!

I called him later to do that, I don't want us fighting thing, life is too short, our time is limited, blah, blah, blah... He stopped me, and said I don't have to apologize that he was wrong, he should have asked if I wanted to hang out, and that he hears all I say and it matters to him how I feel. He was just tired and being a man!

Why was he so tired you ask??? Well, he drove 10 hours straight Tuesday morning to get back here, took a 2 hour nap, and then came right to me because he missed me. The man was just exhausted. Now, I am not making excuses for him, but now that I have had time to step away and think the night through I realized we were both being petty about a lot of things.

I did find out that he has now decided to stay here permanently, but the wife will still be in N.C. I am not asking what that means because I don't want to get too caught up. I still don't have expectations of him leaving her, it's just that for now this relationship works for me. I will see him tonight, and that makes me happy, and when I don't see him next week, I will be fine then too.

As for other stuff. I love being able to focus. It is o refreshing because I feel like I have been walking around in this haze for like the past 5 months. I have still been productive at work enough to accomplish the things I had to, but when I think of all the progress I could have made if I had addressed or identified my increasing mania, it does somewhat disappoint me. I guess the good thing is I figured it out and now things are different. We live and learn.

I met this guy on my way to work this morning. He followed me all the way into the office practically only to tell me how beautiful he thought I was and to find out if he could call me sometime. I did give hi my cell number; afterall I date a married man, it's not like he isn't seeing someone else. We have an agreement anyway, what happens when he's not around, is what happens.

I guess the next quest is for me to figure out what takes place if I do meet someone I am interested in who is not attached and wants to be with me? I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I am interested in just having a friendship with a guy and seeing if I can trust myself in that situation. Who knows?

By the way, I also slept for 8 whole hours last night - God, I LOVE Ambien!

From a Good Day to a Bad Night

2006-07-18T22:49:00.000-05:00

What am I doing? I know I can't continue a relationship with a married man. It's getting so complicated and the deeper I get the worse it's getting. I know I am selling myself short in so many ways. I know I deserve better in my life. And yet, I am stuck in a constant loop.

Tonight, I was hoping to have a peaceful and happy evening with the "man" in my life, and it turned out all wrong. Of course the initial sexual experience (which is customary since we spend limited time together) was terrific, but I must say, I was a little detached. But then after that it all went downhill.

When we first started this "relationship" we came up with all these rules to follow in hopes, I guess that it would things easier for us. In hopes maybe that it would make things a little more manageable. However, since then, the rules apparently have changed and no one told me about it. We had agreed that when he is in town, that our time was priority. So I was a little hurt when he made plans with one of his friends tonight in front of me w/o asking if I wanted to see him tomorrow first.

Now this sucks for me because I am normally not that person. I don't usually have an issue if the man in my life wants to spend time with his friends, but in this instance, I guess because it was agreed and because we have such limited time together, I was particularly bothered. That was problem number one.

This was followed by a stressful dinner, oh wait, there was the call from the wife very shortly after we made love. Of course he had to take it, so he went to his car to talk to her. This always leaves a funny taste in my mouth so to speak. Then there was dinner...

Dinner was terrible because he kept asking what the problem was, so then I had to tell him that I wanted to see him tomorrow, especially since I am going away for a week and that would be yet another 2 week span that we aren't together. Okay, so that was all weird, and as the conversation and meal are continuing, I am starting to feel worse about the situation, and about myself.

We return to my place, we're lying in bed, one thing leads to another, and we are having sex. Note, not making love, this is straight doggie-style now I am being fucked by the man who claims to love me sex. It was horrible. Now, under different circumstances this may have been a pleasurable thing, but he never FUCKS me; however, he did tonight.

I could barely look at him after and it was all that I could do to fight back the tears. I am terrible at hiding my feelings so he knew instantly there was something wrong, and now I have really shut down because I was so emotionally distraught. I was literally lying there wondering how much longer before he leaves, or should I just ask him to leave.

Well, I finally told him how I felt because he kept pushing me to, which of course he apologized and then confesses that he wasn't really in the mood to have sex again, but thought I really wanted to and that he was sorry. I have no idea still what I am supposed to do with that. We talked about how hard this is and the "breaking things off" piece was played with a little.

So now he is finally gone and I am left wondering if I shouldn't just call him and break up with him again. This will be the second time I have done this. The only thing is I don't trust myself not to go back to him. It would almost be better if he could break up with me, because at least then I will know there is less of a chance of me being able to get back with him.

I just can't seem to get this right. I mean I would be sooooo proud of myself if I could just do this one thing, but I am so afraid of being alone, of sitting in that anxiety, of not knowing that even if for the wrong reasons someone is there.

The Difference a Day Can Make

2006-07-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

I couldn't post yesterday due to the fact that I am trying to get all my loose ends tied up before leaving for vacation next week. This means long hours at work and less time for fun, but we do what we have to. I am on a mission because I want to get to the beach and jsut BE. No worried, no cares, just be. I am very excited!

Meds check-in... I have started out my week quite focused and very productive. I am going to attribute my new-found clarity to the increase in the Lamictal and a very much needed conversation with a friend the other evening. I awoke yesterday genuinely feeling GOOD! God, I love it when that happens.

Now, as for that conversation that gave me such clarity...
I hadn't realized just how much I needed a friend to be there, listen, and care for me. Someone who had nothing to gain from the situation, but just someone who wanted to be there for me.

In a previous posting, "Soldier Boy", I had mentioned that my friend from the military was home and had called. Anyway, he was traveling to take his daughter to his ex-wife so he had a bit of time to chat. I completely opened up to him about all my mess. About my food, sex, relationship, spending additions and how they work against me when I want them to help me. We talked about how my past behavior in relationships with him had effected us. We talked about why I just can't seem to love myself and how I cannot continue to look for that love outwardly any longer. He listened, I mean really listened. He didn't comment other than the occasional, "I know you interpret things and feel things the way you want, but you are so wonderful, I just can't see what's not to love about you."

It felt so good to get things off my chest and to have another person not try to fix me, but to support me. It was invaluable. We even identified one thing I would like to do to make a positive step towards feeling better about myself. I said I want to have a guy in my life that I am able to establish a friendship with, just a friend, that's all. I have no one in my life that's heterosexual that I have a platonic relationship with. I screw them in hopes that they won't leave and then they never get to know me, they just use me. He thought that would be a good place to begin. It wouldn't be a bad thing to have him be that person, but can he really since we used to date? I have screwed him, among many others... Is he a feasible option?

I even admitted to him how many men I have been with. My lord mania and addiction are a wonderful combination. I was so embarrassed when I told him, but all he said was "I'm up there with you, so don't feel bad." He didn't judge me, or make me feel like a whore because of it, he just accepted it.

Anyway, I started my Monday in a whole new place all because he was in the right place, and the right person, at the exact right time.

On another note - speaking of relationships, I am sitting here waiting for the Married Boyfriend to come over. I know I need to end this, but we are both co-dependent as all hell and although we both know it's wrong, neither of us is willing to let the other go. Someone is going to have to be the stronger individual and cut the ties. We'll see.

Soldier Boy

2006-07-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

Quick mental status check-in... Lamictal is at 200 mg and things are seeming to balance out a bit. I am still going to push to 250 next, oops I mean this week. The test will be next weeks family vacation! I will be refilling the Xanax before spending a week with the fam....

So, let's say I am a man recycler. I am constantly recycling the same men in and out of my life, and consequently, I have never been alone. There is this one man in particular who happens to be in the Army now. Needless to say, we see each other on an intermittent basis. He's cool, cute, sweet, and bipolar! Anyway, the first question he asks is always, "did you miss me?" Well, the answer really is, no. It's kind of out of sight, out of mind with him. But I always feel pressured to answer in a way that won't hurt his feelings. I don't say yes, but I don't say no either.

Anyway, he's back from round 2 in Afghanistan and is stationed in Augusta, GA. He wants to know if he will see me anytime soon. Needless to say, I have no plans or money to travel to GA at this time. Right now any amounts of excess cash I receive will be going to the tremendous amount of debt I have accumulated recently. I do wonder though, what if he offers to pay for my visit? Then what?

I have no idea what my reservations are in this relationship of sorts. Maybe it's the fact that it's totally out there, with no stability and no guarantees. I am afraid of that, which is why I am always with these guys that I can count on in certain situations. There is this song called 'Let Go'. By a group called Frou Frou. It's such a wonderful song, how it talks about letting go, jumping in, and how there's beauty in the breakdown. I really am trying to find that beauty.

Why can't I let go and just let things happen? Why must I control everything? You know, I haven't asked him why he is always asking me when we will see each other, and not some other girl. Maybe I will call and see what the answer is...

I'm scared, but why? I am afraid that someone is going to meet the real me, and not like me. Better yet, I think I am afraid they may meet me and love me. Then what?

I am also on a quest to learn what makes me happy in life because I don't think I remember; but the funniest thing happened today as I was cleaning my bathroom ( I'm a cleaner, go figure!). I decided to pull out my Bob Marley CD, and I started listening. While scrubbing the toilet, 'Three Little Birds' started playing, and I remembered how when things sucked in life, my best friends and I (in college) would go blaze outside of this one particular building and sing that song.

"Everything's gonna be alright..."

I am blessed by that memory, and my friends, even if life challenges are pulling us in different directions for now, but it's only temporarily.

For now I am a Dancing Nancy!

Titania - hope you're there - keep in touch , and thanks for reading!

Drugstore Cowgirl....

2006-07-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

I have been enjoying reading the many blogs out there posted by my bipolar brethren. It's funny how so many people can be climbing the exact same uphill battle.

Let's talk about moods... Today has been one of the unfortunate bipolar days that has begun with an inability to choose a mood and has ended in the asshole version of me. You know what I mean when you are so overly critical that you are just down-right mean. Unfortunately, my roommate has been the recipient of my bad tidings today. I did apologize, but what difference does it make. I would love for things not to be this way, but I don't feel that I have control over it. The comments fall out f my mouth before I even think of it. Or better yet, before I can even stop it.

What does it mean to be bipolar? Sometimes I think it's a convenient excuse for those of us who act out in life. I'm an asshole because I'm bipolar; I'm broke all the time because I'm bipolar; I screw random people way too much because I'm bipolar; I can't get/keep a job, I can't pay the rent, I can't get dressed. I can't, I can't, I can't! I can't CONTROL myself - because I'm BIPOLAR!!!!

I hate myself, love myself, hurt myself, heal myself, torture myself, give myself release because I AM BIPOLAR!

Everything in my life is in excess. I can never do anything half-way. I can never do anything in moderation; I feel compelled not to.

I entitled this post Drugstore Cowgirl because in a way, in my life, this quest to define myself, is like the quest of a drug addict. I have an unrelenting thirst to find whatever it is, whomever it is, I really am. This search is painful and twisted, but I am going to find out who I am. The answer will not include that word, that thing, that definition, that abomination, BIPOLAR! In the end it will simply be me, my name, and how I choose to react to and handle situations. If I am lucky, it may not include names like Zyprexa and Lithium, Seroquel and Abilify, Lamictal and Risperdal. Maybe just me. Not clouded, not hooked, not drugged, not making excuses, just a girl living a life that she's okay with.

Just me loving me.

Lazy Saturday

2006-07-15T16:50:00.000-05:00

Today's a beautiful day. It's sunny and hot. My apartment is on the ground floor and walks out onto the golf course. My desk looks out of huge windows onto the course, and it's gorgeous. So I literally am sitting here blogging away and watching the bunnies run across the 9th hole. I did pick a lovely place for my roommate and I to live.

Roommates, there's an interesting subject. Don't get me wrong, I could have ended up in a much worse situation when it comes to someone to live with. For the most part she and I get along pretty well. We work for the same company but manage different areas, in different locations. She's a talker, I mean to the point where you can't get a word in edge-wise. She can be very exhausting.

I have resigned myself to watching horrible vh1 shows, doing Kakuro puzzles (which has now replaced Sudoku in my life), and reading books; a little Stephen King (God of all writers), and Flowers for Algernon. It's a lazy day, and I am not motivated to do CRAP! I may even go back to bed, or take a VERY long bubblebath. If I could fall asleep, I would. I have nothing to do, and nothing to write about and I think for once I am loving it. It's just a loafing Saturday.

I will probably download some music from iTunes for my iPOD. That will probably be it.

I think I have been lying a little less this week, and I have managed so far to maintain some control of my money. Now let's move onto food...

Drug of Choice

2006-07-12T14:57:00.000-05:00

So I went to see my crack dealer, aka my psychiatrist, on Monday. I tried everything I could possibly think of to get her to ignore the fact that I have been playing with Mania lately. She saw right through it and then came my favorite part of the 20 minute, $110 visit...

Well there are a few drugs we can look at to try and get your mood cycling under control!

I started on Zyprexa. Loved it, hated the 60 pounds in 3-5 months of treatment I gained. Then there was Geodon, loved the weight loss it stimulated, hated the heart palpitations that put me in the hospital. We then ended on Lamictal. Lamictal is okay, but it doesn't have the anti-depressant qualities, so I felt much better on the Zyprexa than anything. Regardless, we stuck with the Lamictal.

Just recently I experienced a lovely flip-flop of mania and depression so now we have to re-address the whole drug of choice option. Okay, so we have increased the Lamictal and added Klonipin. I had been taking Xanax for the anxiety, but it's not cutting it anymore. As far as anti-psychotics go my new options are Seroquel, Risperdal, and Abilify. All of my research and a lovely talk with my pharmacist says Abilify may be the safest way to go. In the meantime, I am just going to have to function in this haze I exist in and try to be productive. Let's just say productivity is at an all-time low here. God I hate this process.

Right now I am so envious of those folks that can interact normally with others w/o the aid of pharmaceuticals. I am not sure that I can anymore. Before the Zyprexa I was at the point where I was a thin line away from cursing everyone at that even said hello to me. My responses were extremely inappropriate. I am still inappropriate, but not like that at all.

I am tired now, I need a nap from my Klonipin.

The Married Boyfriend...

2006-07-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Alright, so for those of you that aren't reading this, here's an update on the money situation. I went and got yet another handout from my parents. It will pay the car insurance, and buy me a little breathing room.

I am sitting at my eMac, watching one of my favorite shows, "Intervention" (I love it because it always let's me know that there are others more screwed than I), thinking about my very wonderful, yet very married boyfriend.

Now, we all have that perception of the horrible "homewrecker". We all think what a terrible person she must be. We think she must be a goddess who has no morals or values or remorse for what she does. Truth of the matter is, all of the latter is a crock of shit! I have high morals, values, and a great deal of remorse; but the way I feel when I'm with him, it's like a drug. I feel safe, secure, loved, and like it's okay to be me.

This is his second marriage. He is VERY codependent and has been dating me, his current wife, and ex-wife on and off for about 12 years or so. He cheated on the first wife with the current wife, and cheated on both of them with me. Great!

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am codependent myself. I have never really been without a man in my life. See I would rather have the wrong man for the wrong reasons instead of the right man, period... The wrong man doesn't require you to let him in completely because they are too busy handling, or avoiding, their own shit. So, I get to play house when I want or need to and still don't have to worry about actually letting someone get to know who I really am.

Now, I am not the only one with the emotional issues in this relationship. He keeps coming back for a reason. For him I am the one that got away. Actually I am the one that ALWAYS gets away. I'm the cool chick that watches football games and boxing matches. I drink beer out of a bottle and give the best head he's ever had. I am not afraid to show my affection in public, or have sex in a dressing room at Bloomingdale's. I am, for him, in a word... FUN!

Very true statement (actually shared with me from a man I know and love)...

"Men never marry the woman that they have the best sex with, or that's the most fun, because they can never see that woman having their children, and being there forever. All they see is their friends always wanting what they have, and can they really trust that woman?"

Interesting statement. I don't think it's necessarily true for all men, maybe insecure men, who don't think they are man enough to handle that chick, but nonetheless I think there are probably a lot of men out there that really do feel that way.

I told my married boyfriend that I love him, and that I always have. Now, this is true, but only on a certain level and I have noticed a lot lately that I want to be loved so much that I cannot distinguish my feelings when it comes to men. Now don't get me wrong, I really do care about him, just as I know he cares about me, but I am not going to fall to pieces when he decides, or I decide that this needs to end. NO, I have no delusions that he is going to leave her for me, nor do I even want him too. I could never be in a committed relaitonship with him; and I think any woman that thinks a man who they are in an adulterous relationship with can be faithful is in for a rude awakening.

My friends keep saying that they don't want me to close myself off to the possibility of meeting the right guy by wasting time with this one. The thing is, I don't want the right guy right now. I am not okay with who I am and until I can ge there, I don't want anyone who I may actually fall in love with hanging around for the fallout.

So in the meantime, I am loving in my own twisted way. My therapist says that she is glad that I am at least trying to let myself love again. I am not certain how true that is. Am I really letting myself love? Probably not.

I love the way he touches me; his sense of humor; how when I am sick he comes and takes care of me; how when I am in the depths of depression he suprprises me by showing up at my door; how he won't let me get away with not letting him in when things aren't right, better yet how he knows when things aren't right; I love that he makes me feel safe and comfortable and hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get because I know he has to leave.

I look forward to the stolen moments when he makes a quick phone call just to see how I am and to let me know that he's thinking of me, and missing me. Did I mention that I love that we don't just hang out in my bedroom, but that we just hang with one another, and it's cool.

When you're love starved and you have someone who is willing to give you just a little, you take it. It may eat at you because you know it's wrong, but in the moment, when you're together in each other's arms, it's just so right.

Why can't he just be normal and single, so I wouldn't have to write this?

CRAZY

2006-07-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

So I have been surfing through these blogs folks have posted, and I have found something that really annoys me.

The misuse of the word CRAZY!

Do not use this term to describe how you will feel if they took the O.C. off television (which they should, bad t.v. will make your brain rot!); or what you are because you had to break up with your boyfriend.

From someone who has some legitimate psychiatric issues, CRAZY is no fun place to be. Have a little respect for those who are tortured day-in and day-out by their obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, self-hatred, lack of control, addictions, and all-over physical/emotional/mental pain.

I have Lupus, which if you are unaware, is a horrid disease. It causes a lot, and I mean a lot, of physical pain; but in all honesty, I would rather have the pain I experience from Lupus over any depressed episode ever.

See CRAZY follows you to bed, it's there when you wake, it eats at you, stops you from eating, turns your insides to slush, makes you tired, unable to get out of bed. As if somehow the cocoon of your comforter will shelter you from all the pain, but it's still there. Gnawing at you, inside out, yelling at you, telling you how much you suck, how horrible you are, how unworthy you are.

Then, when it's really bad, it tries to tell you the only way to make it go away is if you go away. Slit your wrists, take some pills, go play in traffic, get your dad's gun, whatever to make it end. It tries to convince you that you are not bigger than it, that you can't make it, that you really are nothing.

But here's the beauty of it all. See, deep inside (and I mean deep) there is that little piece of us that's wants so badly to be happy, even just a little, even if for just a little while. That's what you fight for! That little ray of light. It's placed there when you are small and it may or may not be cultivated, but even if it's not, it's still there. It's in that very moment when CRAZY thinks it has you, that you really have it. You choose to fight for that little piece of happiness. At least I choose to fight for it. Just talking about this is literally making me nauseous, and I may go vomit the minute I am done typing, but maybe someone who needs to will read this and see that it's possible to fight.

My life may be fucked up, and I may hate myself more than not, but on the days I don't, wow! Words cannot describe how good that is. There are actually some days that I love me! It's been a few months since I have experienced one of them, really, but I know it will happen again. God willing.

So, from all of us who know CRAZY, stop using the word incorrectly!

And for those of you that are CRAZY... Tomorrow is another day, just hold on :0)

First Day

2006-07-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

Here we go...

I started this blog to in a way set me free. I have a very near and dear friend who tends to believe that we should release all of our secrets and crap out in the universe, even anonymously, to rid ourselves of the guilt associated with carrying the secret itself.

I have been struggling with many things lately and while therapy is there, I cannot seem to have one truly honest relationship in my life. I thought this would be a great way to get all my crap off my chest and be completely honest.

Since I seem to suffer from many issues; depression (Bipolar), anxiety, compulsive lying (maybe not compulsive, but definitely lying), overeating, promiscuity, co-dependency, spending addiction, addictive personality, perfectionism, and what I consider just an overall need to be tragic in life (narcisistic???).

Today's topic shall be LYING!!!!!
Why do I tell lies? Well for many reasons actually. Typically I tell them to make myself seem more interesting to others, or to make myself feel equal or above others. LOW SELF-ESTEEM! It is really the root of all my evils. The funny thing about the lies is that eventually the truth does come out, or the guilt eats at you until the truth has to come out. I am at the latter end now. I lie at work, home, about my health, about money, about whatever! See I am desperately afraid that once someone really finds out who I am, they will hate me. I guess that's because the people that were supposed to love me unconditionally have never really done that, and if your family can't then who in the world would.

Problem is, it is very hard to keep up with the lies. Who I told, when I told them, covering tracks whatever. It causes a lot of anxiety in me. Truth be told, I am tired and damaged and at the end of the day, I just want someone to love me for me. I want the same thing everyone else wants in life. Question is, why is that so damn hard to get? Okay, I am no idiot, I do understand that if I was honest then I would most likely find someone who would love me for me. I thought I had, and then realized that he loved and a few others too. This only helped to solidify my need to be someone else.

I am a chameleon. I lie to become whatever I need to be to make everyone happy. Nevermind the fact that because of it, I am in a position at work that I may not have gotten w/o a lie or two. I have friends that would be my friends had I not lied, but they would look at me differently, I know. If I didn't lie, my family and even my therapist would see what a mess I really am. See I lie to maintain control. I lie to at least create some sort of reality that seems pleasing to others.

The thing is, I am too afraid to tell the truth. What if I told the truth and these people in my life no longer wanted to be around me? They wouldn't trust me anymore, they wouldn't love me anymore, and I cannot handle that. I would love to start off with a clean slate. I would love to call my parents and tell them I have screwed up. Tell them I am in debt and cannot afford my lifestyle. Tell them that they may have been right about me moving out. Ask them for a loan that I will actually be responsible for and pay back. The problem with that is, they would tell my sister and brother, my aunts, whomever they could.

I would love to walk into work and scream at the top of my lungs that I am not happy in my position. I didn't want it in the first place and felt as if I had no opportunity to say "no!" I was happy doing what I was doing. I would love to tell my manager that being in this position is too hard for me because it is making me face all of my demons. That if she didn't realize it, one has to have self-esteem to manage others, and that is something that I desperately lack, and as much as I can say the problem is I don't know how to do my job, which is part of it, a large part is that I am having to face demons. I have been avoiding those demons in therapy for over 2 years now, it's draining me to avoid them on the job too. I lack credibility in myself! Everyone around me believes/knows I can do a great job, but I don't believe it.

Everything becomes exaggerated because once I receive some sort of praise it has to continue. For instance, I have recently lost a lot of weight. Actual amount is 53 pounds. Okay, so I have inflated that amount to 83 pounds. The sad thing is I am large enough that folks have no idea how many pounds I have really lost; but my brother, whom I have always craved a relationship with, is VERY proud of the progress I have made. He actually is interested in me. I was doing Weight Watchers, which really does work, and at the time, my life was in a much better place. Then I decided to move out of my parents and it all went downhill from there. Now, honestly, I have not gained any weight lost back. I am able to maintain very well. I try to eat well and exercise every now and then; but, I am still lying. There is no shame in losing 53 pounds! That's a lot of weight!

There are so many lies, I think I should make a list of all the ones I can think of and find ways to make them right. It may not be actually telling the truth, but making them the truth if that makes any sense. I have not told any lies that have hurt others, or that have been at other's expense, so if I can find a way to make them okay, maybe I can be okay.

The way things are feeling now, okay is good enough for me. I am exhausted and I have to make it better.