Why...

Am I so tired?

Am I so unmotivated?

Am I eating so much?

Am I not in the mood for sex?

Am I so hard on myself?

Am I so anxious?

Am I having so many obsessive thoughts?

Can't I get out of my head?

Can we say depressed? The thing is I have no idea why I am depressed. Maybe I will go for a walk.

Updates

Things have been really busy for me lately. I can't believe the last time I posted was the 5th. You all are probably thinking I fell off the face of the earth. I also haven't checked email, so I do apologize.

Things at work have been very much in scramble and that has been keeping me wrapped up in a lot of crap. I finally did take that money from my 401K and paid off both my therapist and crack-dealer (psychiatrist). I had to find a new crack-dealer that would take my insurance. I hate insurance by the way. She's okay, but I can't be too picky considering it's terribly difficult to find a crack-dealer this time of year. I was so afraid that I was going to run out of meds, but my old dealer agreed to keep up my scripts until I found someone else.

Now, on the boyfriend front... My ex and I have been seeing each other a lot lately and old feelings are there again. He was, once upon a time, believed to be the one; so I guess it's hard to tuck those kinds of feelings away for a long time. The married boyfriend and I have just sort of dwindled away into oblivion. I am kind of glad it's happening that way because that means there will be fewer hurt feelings if there are any at all. I haven't had the conversation yet where I say things are over, but I really think I want to give this thing another shot with my ex. He went to therapy with me in order to try to help prove his intentions towards me; the session was very profound.

I now realize the married one was there to give me a glimpse of how things should be for me. So I could see how I should be being treated. So I am holding my ex accountable for things. He needs to be honest, trustworthy, dependable, and considerate. Not too long ago I couldn't tell you what I was looking for in a man; but now I can. I appreciate that. Those are the qualities that let me know someone really cares. I am holding him accountable and he knows that if he doesn't stick to them I am gone. For once I have the upper hand and I am going to make it work for me.

This Sucks

My finances have not gotten any better. I owe my crack dealer so much she has decided to turn my case over to a collection agency. I am taking a withdrawal for medical hardship from my 401K. In the meantime, I need refills on my scripts. Not really certain what to do. Her office manager is a prick!

My head hurts.

Wait

I am waiting for something good to happen. Not sure what it is, but something’s gotta give. Things lately have been pretty dull; everything's is the same. I am in definite financial debt, the Abilify has caused me to gain 30+ pounds, and I believe I am depressed but just not really "experiencing" it. That's the bad thing about drugs; sometimes I would like to feel, to be like everyone else. I feel but it's a shallow version of feeling. Instead, it makes me a little blank.

I am not happy now, that I know. A big part of it is the fact that I have gained all this weight back. I had lost a considerable amount of weight; I went from 338 to 264, now I weigh 301. I want to cry. The thing is I am not lazy; I have always been overweight, but not lazy. I am not what people think of when they think about overweight people. I don't lie around eating all day. Instead I always out doing stuff, I am active I walk on the treadmill and take walks with my friends. I try to take the stairs at work instead of the elevator so now I am very irritated.

I hate this.