Miss Halfway

I have realized that I have definite issues with commitment. I don't know why though. I can blame other people for the things they do, but it's not like I am willing to give myself 100% either. I guess I am afraid to get hurt.

I confessed to my therapist that I was seeing my ex again. She asked if I didn't feel bad about cheating on my boyfriend. I thought that since he was married that I shouldn't think anything of it. But the truth of the matter is that I feel pretty guilty about the entire thing. She said that he was being as honest with me as he could and I wasn't being honest by seeing my ex.

"How would you feel if he was seeing someone else?" She asked.

I would feel like shit. I think what it boils down to is the fact that I am scared to death to give all of myself to someone. I am afraid they will take it and crush me. Kill everything inside. Could I see myself giving all of me to someone? I suppose so. It would not be easy, but I am sure I could. That's an interesting question; I will have to think on it a little longer to figure out why my answer was not just an emphatic yes.

In the meantime my boyfriend is on his way here, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. I think I am adapting to this time away thing. I miss him but it is bearable. The world isn't going to collapse if I don't see him for a couple of days or so. I have no idea what we are doing.

The ex is becoming a little too needy. He actually wanted me to tell him not to go to his cousin’s party last night but instead come over to my place. Not so much.

Oh well, everyone have a great week. Mine has to be better than last week was. I got into trouble for being late with a report. I learned my lesson and believe me it won't happen again. Now that I am back in my comfort zone at work this week should be better.

Have a good one :)

Someone To Love

Okay, so just as I thought I had all of my shit together, I realize I so don't....

Confession:
Yesterday I had this need to go shopping at this store in DC. It was getting late and I didn't want to go so I call my ex out of the blue (because he shops there also) and asked him to come go with me. He agreed, and we got our junk and left. Now, I manipulated him into driving both ways, but I did buy him dinner.

When we got back to his place, I went in and we were chillin' for a while, then I don’t know what came over me. I started lying to him about feelings I have for him just to get him into bed. I do not know what compelled me to lie, but I did. And I slept with him too. It was like a compulsion, like I wouldn’t be happy unless I got him into bed. Now I feel terrible.

I think I'm going to Mass. This might be something that someone higher than me needs to help with.

Where I Belong

Things are good... Now maybe I am a little manic, or maybe I am just in a better mood, but things are good. I feel good emotionally and I love it. I love the positive me, I just hate waiting for the bottom to drop and the depression to come; because I know it is.

I stopped seeing the ex and as for the boyfriend, things were stressful for a while, but they have gotten better. We had broken up, again, last week until he started calling again and telling me how much he missed me, etc. I am a sucker what can I say. He said he was sorry but that he was just so stressed out because business was doing so poorly. He said he had to focus on things and cut out his "fun" activities, of which I was one. I think we were broken up for about 2 days, whatever.

So, here I am in this relationship again that will have no good ending to it and I have no idea where I belong in it. What role do I play in his life when he has a wife he is so dependant on financially now that he can't leave even if he wanted to? I can't understand why he wouldn't want to leave when he has said he was miserable, but I guess money is just that important.

I am broke again. I had done pretty well the last couple of weeks and now I am in a bind again. It will work out though, it always does. Something will give. What I don't know, but something will. I think I am going to go to one of those debt consolidation places. I did that once before and it worked out really well for me. I was able to pay off my bills in about a year and it was affordable. I just need to get off my ass and do it. I have realized, I just don't need credit cards; sometimes maybe not even a checkcard; but my account has not been in the negative for the past month and I am proud about that.

Work is going well. Things have slowed a bit and I am trying to take advantage of this time and plan for next year. We are in the middle of budgeting and it appears I won't have any money to play with :( When you work in a training department, that's no good, but I will continue to try and find ways to save and still make it fun!

Oh well, we shall see how the next week goes. I wish everyone else a great week!