Too Much

First let me say a HUGE "thank you" to you all out there. Things are not going very well for me right now, but I know that with folks like you in my life it will get better soon. I appreciate your warm wishes and belief in me so much.

My boyfriend and I made up, I have found that when I am depressed anxiety takes over and makes me very irrational; so when my demands are not met, I leave the situation.

Right now I am being confronted with all my insecurities not only in my home life, but at work also. While I have been doing much better at work, it still is a VERY difficult situation for me. My self-esteem is a huge problem for me. I wish there were some way to just wave a wand and have everything be perfect, but that's not possible. I have to find a way to get through so that every little bobble and bump is not the end for me.

Friday my manager was telling me that I was improving at work and she asked me to just "stay the course and hang in there." Funny, because my boyfriend asked me to do the same, "just give me a chance" was his version. There is no control for me in either of those statements, that makes me anxious. I think if I just heard some good things from my manager then I would feel better. I would feel confident in the job I am doing, but as of now, I don't feel confident at all.

I know part of this is because I am depressed right now. My cycles have been more and more rapid lately. I love the mania because it makes things wonderful for work, but when I go through the depression, it just makes me want to avoid work and everything else. I feel like if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to do it at all.

I am going to try today to start being more positive. I need to train my thoughts to be on the positive side. Now, I absolutely hate Cognitive therapy. I think it's cheesy, change your "negative commentary." Whatever! But I can try to be a little more positive about things. That I can control.

I hate fighting with myself like this. Just trying to maintain day by day, and no one in my life seems to understand what I am going through. They wake up in a good mood. Happy and ready to face the day. All I want to do is not face anything, not do anything, not go anywhere, not deal. It feels like too much. Too much reality, too much life.

Here I go again naming a Post after a song, but it is what it is. It's Too Much!