Someone to Love

Is it cheating if I slept with my ex-boyfriend even though my actual boyfriend is married?

I feel horrible. I am guilt ridden, but I can't tell him because oddly enough, he would never forgive me. I just had to do it. I was insatiable and he was... With his wife :(

Now the ex won't stop calling even though I made it VERY clear that we were only fucking. He now wants to hang out as if we are dating. He gave me this sappy card. I have dug a hole for myself.

How do I get rid of the guilt and the ex? Please someone tell me that I am not an evil whore. It was a compulsion and it had to be filled right then and there. Please tell me someone out there understands what I am talking about.

I have a lot of compulsions. I have to have sex, I have to spend money, I have to eat food until I cannot anymore. I have to have. Everything in excess. Because nothing is never enough. There isn't enough sex, money, clothes, food, and love to fill the void.

Is it that I cannot get the concept that out-of-sight does not mean out-of-mind, and that I am still loved even if he's not here? Or is it that I am looking for love outside of myself so much that I will take anything I can get? I think it's a combo of the two.

Somedays I just feel so fucked up. Like I am beyond help because the void is so deep. My therapist is pushing me back towards doing EMDR. I stopped last time because it was too painful, I have to stop avoiding, but it hurts too much.

Someone, please give me a little advice.