Be Happy

I am trying to. I keep hearing things, or at least I think I am. I am so stressed anything is liable to happen.

Anyway, I realized yesterday, that all of my negative behavior lately has been because I am so anxious.

Before I forget to comment on it. Today is one of those absolutely gorgeous fall days in Maryland. One thing I love about this part of the world is we experience everything of ever season. It's sunny out and the trees are all changing brilliant colors on the golf course. It's great sweater weather (about 60 degrees), I love it. Consequently, the thing I don't like about this area is... My allergies are killing me.

So my plans with L (the boyfriend) fell through last night, and I had tentative dinner plans with a friend which fell through because she forgot about a paper she had due today, so when faced with the prospect of having to be alone my first instinct was to call my ex so I wouldn't be alone. By the way, my roommate is away.

I didn't call him because I don't want to continue to go down that road of screwing him regardless of how good the sex is. Then my mind immediately went to shopping. I am pretty broke. Once I decided not to go shopping where I wanted, I then started thinking about food. I wasn't even hungry yet.

I decided to go to the bookstore because I figured if this compulsion to spend was going to be there I had better spend my money on something worth having, plus L suggested I read a book and chill out since he had to work. Borders was having a 25% off sale for educators so I got a big chunk off my purchase. I bought a book about Bipolar, and Overcoming Anxiety.

The Anxiety book is one I had taken out at the library, but it's a workbook, so I needed to get my own, but it talks about ways to handle perfectionism and avoidance behavior, etc. I really do believe that I end up becoming so anxious because the performance I show at work, my interactions with others, etc are so great when I am manic that I am afraid that I am not able to continue that performance when I am not manic.

When I'm manic, I love myself and I know what I can do, usually it's blown a little out of proportion, but the self-confidence is there. I am afraid that if people know who I really am that they won't love, like, or approve of me. God, why can't we all just be manic all the time? I would love that.