True

Let's start with an odd little note...

There are these bugs that keep congregating on my window. They don't do anything but sit there on the screen and chill. They don't move, nothing. They just hover in a little mass. There is probably about 20-25 of them. Maybe they are trying to keep warm since it's been getting cold here in Mary-Land!

Well, I must say I have been less and less anxious this week. Not sure if it's the book or not, but I am not as paranoid, etc. Maybe because things sort of quieted down at work a bit. I am a training manager and instructional designer, which means I manage other trainers and I write curriculum for classes. I was designing a huge program that had a lot of attention associated with it and it has kicked off and seems to be a success. I can say that I am proud of the work I did and better yet of the people I have hired. So knowing that work has been a bit easier I think has helped. There are a lot of projects coming up, but they are good projects and I think they will be fun.

Love life... I believe it's time to get rid of both the current boyfriend and the ex. Neither is serving any major necessity in my life lately. With the boyfriend, I am sick of being in a relationship where I am not getting any emotional response in return. Ever since his wife started acting crazy this last time, he has shut down completely. We don't even have anything to say to each other on the phone. I am calling less and less and have less and less of a need to hear his voice.

As for the ex, his feelings are too involved. It's sort of funny because the shoe is on the other foot between us. He is very much in the place I used to be with him, wondering what it is that I want from him, etc. The only thing he is doing for me is sexual, and that's not going to lead to anything good.

I found out that my health insurance is going to be paying less for psych next year. Both my crack-dealer and my psychologist are out of my health insurance network so I am going to have to find some that are in so that I can save money. I guess I will start looking now. That sucks majorly! It also means I am going to be walking away owing both of them. I owe my psychologist about $1200 and my crack dealer about $550. Oh well, that's the story of my life. I would be nothing if not broke. I have to look today at doing some crafty money works to get the rent paid. I may have to go back to my parents, but I hope not.

I have been reading a book called Bipolar II, it's by Ronald R. Fieve, M.D. He's a crack-dealer/Professor at Columbia University who apparently was one of the first docs to start treating BAD II. Anyway, the book gives a whole new perspective on Bipolar. It discusses how to use it to your advantage, and how to lessen the depressive states. It is very interesting, and has sort of given me a new perspective on being Bipolar.

Oh well... Everyone out there, have a great week, stay positive and know that there is someone out here that loves and appreciates you just the whacky way we all are!

(Now that was damn positive of me :0) )

Fool To Think Part 2

Apparently I can't have a strictly sexual relationship with an ex and have it be strictly sexual.

We have been dating. And old feelings are rising, and I am not sure what to do about it.

What does this mean for me and L (the boyfriend)? Can I be with a man who has cheated on me in the past? Can I give that trust again? He says now that he knows what he lost when he lost me, he will have no problem staying committed and faithful. Do I believe him?

I have been told that my boyfriend is not planning on leaving his wife. He told me, so now what?

Be Happy

I am trying to. I keep hearing things, or at least I think I am. I am so stressed anything is liable to happen.

Anyway, I realized yesterday, that all of my negative behavior lately has been because I am so anxious.

Before I forget to comment on it. Today is one of those absolutely gorgeous fall days in Maryland. One thing I love about this part of the world is we experience everything of ever season. It's sunny out and the trees are all changing brilliant colors on the golf course. It's great sweater weather (about 60 degrees), I love it. Consequently, the thing I don't like about this area is... My allergies are killing me.

So my plans with L (the boyfriend) fell through last night, and I had tentative dinner plans with a friend which fell through because she forgot about a paper she had due today, so when faced with the prospect of having to be alone my first instinct was to call my ex so I wouldn't be alone. By the way, my roommate is away.

I didn't call him because I don't want to continue to go down that road of screwing him regardless of how good the sex is. Then my mind immediately went to shopping. I am pretty broke. Once I decided not to go shopping where I wanted, I then started thinking about food. I wasn't even hungry yet.

I decided to go to the bookstore because I figured if this compulsion to spend was going to be there I had better spend my money on something worth having, plus L suggested I read a book and chill out since he had to work. Borders was having a 25% off sale for educators so I got a big chunk off my purchase. I bought a book about Bipolar, and Overcoming Anxiety.

The Anxiety book is one I had taken out at the library, but it's a workbook, so I needed to get my own, but it talks about ways to handle perfectionism and avoidance behavior, etc. I really do believe that I end up becoming so anxious because the performance I show at work, my interactions with others, etc are so great when I am manic that I am afraid that I am not able to continue that performance when I am not manic.

When I'm manic, I love myself and I know what I can do, usually it's blown a little out of proportion, but the self-confidence is there. I am afraid that if people know who I really am that they won't love, like, or approve of me. God, why can't we all just be manic all the time? I would love that.

Truth

I am stitting here waiting for my ex. I fully intend to have sex with him because I cannot seem to not want to.

What the hell am I doing?

Wait

So I was having an amazing night with my boyfriend. As soon as he hit the door this evening it was completely intense. We went to dinner and had a great time, came back and messed around and watched TV. The intention was that he stay the night so we were taking our time in things getting to, well, to us ending up in the bedroom. Anyway around 8:45 the phone rang, his not mine, and it was the wife. He stepped outside to take the call; was gone about 5 minutes or so; came back in and started getting his shit together. He kissed me goodbye and just said he had to go and he would call later.

I called around 10:00 since I hadn't heard from him and he was in the foulest mood ever. I hate when he gets pissed because things become everyone else’s fault but his. He said he didn't want to talk about it. Fine. But, that turned into he didn't want to talk so he hung up on me. Let's get one thing straight...

I do not hang up on people. I deal with my issues up front because I can't stand to have them eat the energy out of me.

He agreed he was wrong about hanging up on me because I called right back. He asked to talk to me tomorrow because he was pissed and didn't want to deal with it. I told him I would try to get in touch with him at some point tomorrow because he was hurting my feelings.

He will not be priority for me tomorrow.

Fool to Think

(I hate to start off this way but...) was I a fool to think that I would be able to sleep with my ex and he not start thinking he could create a relationship out of it?

Apparently, that answer is yes. He called this morning, 9:45, to ask if I would be willing to hang out with him today. He said he would really appreciate it if he could see me. I asked what was wrong because it seemed to me that if you need to see someone that badly there must be something going on. Nothing, he said he just wanted to spend time with me.

I asked him if he remembered what we discussed about our relationship. He said he did, and I told him it was sort of creepy that he was acting the way he was. He apologized and said he understood that there would never be another chance for him and that I am in love with another man.

He sounded disappointed when I told him I was spending the day with my boyfriend. Sort of sweet, my boyfriend is taking the afternoon off because I am off of work today (thanks Columbus!) and we haven't been able to spend that much time together lately.

Oh well - gotta go. Talk to you guys soon!

Music Selection

This is just an FYI....

There is this chick, Corinne Bailey Rae, if you haven't checked out her CD (by the same name) please do.

My sister brought it back from London in April and it's still one of my first Playlists in my iPOD. Very hot!

Someone to Love

Is it cheating if I slept with my ex-boyfriend even though my actual boyfriend is married?

I feel horrible. I am guilt ridden, but I can't tell him because oddly enough, he would never forgive me. I just had to do it. I was insatiable and he was... With his wife :(

Now the ex won't stop calling even though I made it VERY clear that we were only fucking. He now wants to hang out as if we are dating. He gave me this sappy card. I have dug a hole for myself.

How do I get rid of the guilt and the ex? Please someone tell me that I am not an evil whore. It was a compulsion and it had to be filled right then and there. Please tell me someone out there understands what I am talking about.

I have a lot of compulsions. I have to have sex, I have to spend money, I have to eat food until I cannot anymore. I have to have. Everything in excess. Because nothing is never enough. There isn't enough sex, money, clothes, food, and love to fill the void.

Is it that I cannot get the concept that out-of-sight does not mean out-of-mind, and that I am still loved even if he's not here? Or is it that I am looking for love outside of myself so much that I will take anything I can get? I think it's a combo of the two.

Somedays I just feel so fucked up. Like I am beyond help because the void is so deep. My therapist is pushing me back towards doing EMDR. I stopped last time because it was too painful, I have to stop avoiding, but it hurts too much.

Someone, please give me a little advice.

Too Much, Part 2

Well, I ended up calling my crackdealer and she thought my inability to concentrate and overall ADHD may have been coming from too much Abilify.

I have been hitting the Xanax pretty darn hard lately and taking Klonipin to sleep on occasion. She had me go from 20 mgs of Abilify to 15 mgs to see if it helped. Yesterday I was terribly shaky and needing to dope down, but today really isn't as bad as it was. I think I may be starting to feel a little more like myself again. I am still exhausted though. The initial acclimation period for me was about 2 weeks, so I am anticipating the same now.

My crack dealer met my Psychologist yesterday. I know they talk to each other about me, keeping check, or maybe just gossiping, but it was sort of weird hearing that they met. All I could think was what were they saying about me. Who told what. Obviously, my crack dealer gets the condensed version of everything my Psych hears on a bi-weekly basis, but still. It's kind of like when you have 2 friends that you share different things with and when they meet you are wondering what it is they are saying about you, like what you shared with them. Maybe I am just paranoid from the depression.

I am definitely depressed. I am supposed to throw a party at the end of the month, I was really psyched to throw it and now I am so not into it at all. I don't want to go out and walk, I can even almost care less if I see my boyfriend. All I want to do is lay in bed. I am not cleaning, I am not doing much of anything but eating and gaining weight.

I cant' wait for this to be over. I know every day is going to be a little bit better, but if we could get one day that was extraordinary, I would be so appreciative.

Too Much

First let me say a HUGE "thank you" to you all out there. Things are not going very well for me right now, but I know that with folks like you in my life it will get better soon. I appreciate your warm wishes and belief in me so much.

My boyfriend and I made up, I have found that when I am depressed anxiety takes over and makes me very irrational; so when my demands are not met, I leave the situation.

Right now I am being confronted with all my insecurities not only in my home life, but at work also. While I have been doing much better at work, it still is a VERY difficult situation for me. My self-esteem is a huge problem for me. I wish there were some way to just wave a wand and have everything be perfect, but that's not possible. I have to find a way to get through so that every little bobble and bump is not the end for me.

Friday my manager was telling me that I was improving at work and she asked me to just "stay the course and hang in there." Funny, because my boyfriend asked me to do the same, "just give me a chance" was his version. There is no control for me in either of those statements, that makes me anxious. I think if I just heard some good things from my manager then I would feel better. I would feel confident in the job I am doing, but as of now, I don't feel confident at all.

I know part of this is because I am depressed right now. My cycles have been more and more rapid lately. I love the mania because it makes things wonderful for work, but when I go through the depression, it just makes me want to avoid work and everything else. I feel like if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to do it at all.

I am going to try today to start being more positive. I need to train my thoughts to be on the positive side. Now, I absolutely hate Cognitive therapy. I think it's cheesy, change your "negative commentary." Whatever! But I can try to be a little more positive about things. That I can control.

I hate fighting with myself like this. Just trying to maintain day by day, and no one in my life seems to understand what I am going through. They wake up in a good mood. Happy and ready to face the day. All I want to do is not face anything, not do anything, not go anywhere, not deal. It feels like too much. Too much reality, too much life.

Here I go again naming a Post after a song, but it is what it is. It's Too Much!