A Lot

going on...

of pain...

of depression...

of work....

of loss (broke-up w/boyfriend)...

of mourning...

of fear...

of meds...

of everything...

Sleep Aid Addiction

Funny thing... I think I may be mentally addicted to sleeping aids.

Last night around 10:45 I was exhausted. I was lying in bed and falling asleep. I hadn't taken anything to put me to sleep, I was just tired. I realized at 11:00 that I was falling asleep and made myself get up and get ready for bed. I was so tired I could barely move to brush my teeth, etc. However, before getting in the bed I grabbed the bottle of Ambien CR and took one. Once i took it I said to myself, "now why did I just do that, I don't need it."

It's not just Ambien, because I don't takt that every night. Sometimes it's Xanax or if I am in pain also it's Tylenol w/codeine or Oxy if the pain is bad (I really try not to use this one), or Klonipin. The point is the act of taking a drug to sleep is becoming second nature to me.

That sucks.

By the way, I'm broke.... Have a mentioned that today ;-)

Long Time No Post

Things have been so hectic in my life lately.

Work is functioning at 3,000,000 miles per hour as is my social life (lots of b-days) and my boyfriends wife found out about us. She actually emailed me yesterday. This is their anniversary weekend also. I have no idea what will happen there, but he seems to be prepared for losing her. He said he was doing alright and for me not to worry.

Yesterday I suggested that he and I break things off because it seemed like this was becoming too big, too much for his life and that I didn't want our relationship to end his marriage. He said that wasn't for me to worry about and that he wasn't ready to let me go. So, oh well.

I have been invited to a Partylite party at a friends house this evening. I REALLY want to go, but I have absolutely no money at all. One accounts in the negative and the other has literally $1.40 in it. I have some hair products that I have to return because they make my hair flake so that will give me at least $30, but they will have to refund it to my checkcard. Oh well. I have been trying to get in touch with my sister to see if she wants to go with me to the party then I won't have to worry about money. The party is a ways away so I would need cash just to have in my pocket.

Life is what life is, right? I just don't understand why I can't seem to get this money thing straight. Even when I should have money, I just spend and spend until I literally have nothing. I do better with cash, so maybe that's where I need to stay. I already have 2 checking accounts, one for fun and the other for bills. It's the bill account that I keep overdrawing and it's because I keep taking money out of it after I have gone through the $300 I set aside to spend for 2 weeks.

$300 is enough to carry me through 2 weeks even if I bought lunch everyday, which I don't. I just don't get it. I really need help in managing my funds.

I am really hoping for a raise sometime soon, but I just received an 8.25% raise in April.

Calm

Finally, I word I like to describe myself!

I have been quite calm lately. My sleeping seems to be evening out a bit. I am attending a workshop in DC this week, so I have to get up at 5:30, it's torture, but it certainly puts my butt to bed at night.

The boyfriend is driving back from NC this evening. I am going to have a talk with him because I feel really disconnected lately. Ever since he went through the crap with his wife being nosey, things have changed. It may be that the changes have been on my end. Actually I think they have been, but I miss us. I miss talking about how much we love each other, and how much we care about one another and all the ushy, gushy crap I usually hate.

He'll call me on his way in, and I guess we can talk then. Our time has been limited lately; his job is busier, my job is busier.

I just really miss him.

MUST SLEEP...

Help!!!!!
I am the epitome of exhausted, and manic. I am more concerned about the sleep deprivation.

(Funny note: I live on a golf course so I have this picture window, which my computer faces so I can see all the golfers drive by and play whatever hole it is that faces my apartment. Anyway, these guys just got totally lost, pulled up to my window/patio door (they are next to each other) to ask for directions in their golf cart.)

I cannot sleep more than 6 hours even with the Xanax and Ambien. I have not tried taking the Seroquel, but that's because believe it or not, I get very stressed about side effects and interactions. See I take 29 pills a day for the Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and this Bipolar crap. Not to mention the eye drops and inhalers, etc. So when it comes to adding pills I get very apprehensive. It's only 25 mgs of Seroquel, I mean c'mon. You can go up to like 600 mgs of the med I think.

I have also started to walk again today and get back on Weight Watchers... Yes I know you have heard this before, but if losing weight and exercise may help balance me out, I am going to try it. I had a great walk this morning, although now of course my knees are killing me. I have to get my Prednisone down to decrease the possibility of the Abilify keeping me in a state of mania. I hate this balancing act.

I have started taking the Abilify in the morning to try and get some sleep at night. I think I might try to sleep tonight on my own w/o anything and see what happens.

Anyway, please wish me luck. I am going to go and do some work then take a lon hot bath. I think I have to drop by my parents today :(