What's Wrong With Me?

It hurts so badly. Life that is. My best friend asked me what it is that I am so upset about. Why I am crying so much, why I can't seem to be happy about anything. The thing is I have no answer for her. All I could do was tell her I have a few really great days when I am on top of my game, when I feel smart and beautiful and full of energy (sometimes a week or 2 like this if I am lucky); and then just like that the rug is pulled from under you. I have a day of blankness. I can't describe my mood; I have no idea of how I am supposed to react or feel, and then the abyss.

I am so far in the abyss right now. I need to see my psychiatrist and can't afford to, and I don't want to have to ask my parents for the money, again. My therapist is finally back from vacation, but I still have to wait until Wednesday to see her. I made things horrible with my boyfriend this evening; I made a complete fool of myself.

My head is so tormented by everything and there isn't enough medication in the world. The vodka I mixed with the meds isn't doing it either. I haven't been treated with an antidepressant in years (Serzone was the last about 10 years ago) so maybe it's time to venture out on that limb again. The Lamictal is handling the mania, it's the depression that I am having trouble with.

I am going to be hung over in the morning. It's 1:00 a.m. and I have to be on top of my game tomorrow.. So much for that, plus I have this networking event I am supposed to go to. Yet another situation in which I will have to put on the faux face.

Oblivion, that's what I crave. I was going to try to watch the broadcast of the DMB show from Florida since I missed it Saturday, but I don't even want to do that. I am in trouble and I know it, but now is not a good time for a breakdown or a hospital visit, but I am afraid that it may be required soon if things don't improve...