Welcome Return

Vacation was long... VERY long. My mother and I as usual fought almost the entire time. My sister believes we fight constantly because I always stand up to her instead of letting her run over me ike she wants to. She thinks to a degree my mother is envious.

So while I was gone over the week, my mood was very stable even with the added stress of being locked up in a condo with my family! So, I will attribute that to the increase in my friend Lamictal and the Xanax that I took. I will say that sleeping has been a difficult thing for me lately. Even the Ambien isn't working which is never a good thing.

I left things in a good place at work so it wasn't too bad getting back, however, I am finding myself kind of falling into the avoidance box again which concerns me, but that will be okay. I have a project in particular that for whatever reason I cannot seem to get out, and so my manager had to remind me of that this week. She's also on my ass about hiring a person for my opening. I am interviewing, but I am not happy with any of the people. I want someone who would be the right fit, not just a body. I have already had to let 2 bodies go. I inherited a broken department and I just want to fix it, and better yet, do it right.

Now as for the love life. I am failing myself because I went into this relationship with this married man thinking I was going to be able to have some control over my emotions, but I am finding that this is just not possible. I am falling head over heels. And the thing about is I am not alone. While I was on vacation all he did was call and tell me how much I was missed, and we even had a dinner date over the phone. He called and asked me where I wanted to go to dinner. He went to that restaurant and then proceeded to talk to me throughout dinner just as if I was there. "I love you" was said A LOT and it was not precipitated by me.

Now the hard part starts. This is when I begin questioning my worthiness of having someone to love me in my life. My self-confidence starts to become a struggle and everything becomes about how to keep him. Yeah, how to keep a man that really isn't mine in the first place. Anyway... He just makes me feel loved, he doesn't have to say it, he just does it. I am not used to that.

The first night on the beach my sister and I went to see a psychic/palm reader. This was not the first time we have seen her, but it had been at least 2 years. The first question she asked me was, "you've been here before haven't you?", okay so very weird. She then proceeded to read my palm and tell me how I am on a constant quest for the truth (ironic, check out the name of the blog!), and that I was a born leader and teacher. Now, I am not going to divulge exactly what it is I do for a living, but you can figure that I obviously manage others, and I will say it is in the field of education!

Here's the clincher... She begins to tell me that I am very lucky and come by money easily. This has always been true in my life. Then she says, just as easily as I come by the money, it leaves my hands... Um, yeah! Finally, she tells me that I am in love with a man. She asked to confirm and I hesitated because I knew it, but tried not to know it if that makes any sense, but then I fessed up. She says that he is very deeply in love with me. She saw marriage around me and paused, "he's married isn't he?" she asked. I was freaked! I admitted that he was, so she tells me that he is not happy and that it wasn't going to last. He loves you she said, and you are the one he is supposed to be with. "You will be together honey, in about 1 1/2 years or 2. You will marry this man, he is your soul mate, and he knows it now. Your dreams and wishes have not come true for you yet, but in 2 years time you will marry him and your wishes will be fulfilled." I was absolutely freaked.

Now, when he called me that night I told him we went to the psychic, he badgered me to tell him what she said, and when I told him he was like, well, you never know what life has in store for you, or for us! Anything is possible he said. He's also been sharing a lot about why things aren't what he wants with his wife. I have to make sure that when he tells me these things that I am speaking from the point of view of a friend and not a girlfriend that really wants him all to herself. I refuse to push him in this situation because if we are meant to be together, it will happen,

So last night was the first time we had seen each other since I returned and it was magical... He has gone to church tonight and we will see each other tomorrow. I jokingly asked if he was going to church to receive absolution for his sins. He looked at me and said, he's going to church to give thanks for the blessings in his life, of which I am one. Plus he said, he can't ask for absolution for something he has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

So there you have it, my life space now as it exists! Now I have a coaching session with my manager tomorrow... We'll see how that goes. Hopefully well. And as for the boyfriend, the hours tomorrow will eke by slowly, but I can't wait until tomorrow night!