Reflections and Possibilities

God, yesterday was horrible. I was so depressed (I still am now, but not as bad)and not sure what to do with myself. I ran my many errands all the while watching the clock wondering how many hours until I could go to bed and not feel funny about being in bed so early.

To eat up time I played games on the computer then took a VERY long bath. Crying the entire time. While in the bath I debated on the best way to kill myself. I landed on the old standby of slitting the wrists. That way I could slip away in a wonderfully perfumed bath. I realized that had I done it yesterday, I could have been in there at least until around noon today, dead, with no one to bother me. My roommate would not have come searching for me unless someone called, and even if they did she would probably just figure that I was in the shower and leave a note on the bedroom door. She goes to work before I do, so if I wasn't up she wouldn't have noticed.

Now, if I had missed my 10:00 meeting today for the Fall Campaign then someone would have noticed. They would probably call my roommate, who would call the apartment and my cell phone. Once she got no answer she would call my family and then proceed to the apartment at which time my body would be discovered.

Now, don't you all (whomever may be reading) get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not offing myself anytime soon; it's just I have these thoughts when days get bad. I know I can't be the only one out there. My therapist is back in town and I see her on Wednesday evening. I REALLY need to see her. That may be part of the reason that I have been so damn needy of other folks lately because I haven't seen her in 3 weeks.

Boyfriend update, I will see him tonight but it's very hard for me to be excited. This last week has taken a toll on me emotionally that has lead to some trust issues for me. I may feel different this evening, who knows.