Quiet Sunday

I am sitting here trying not to cry because it amazes me just how easy it is for me to shut off feelings.

See something happened when I was little that made me realize that the people that you are supposed to trust and rely on in life can betray that very easily. Ever since then, I have decided that in order to keep that from happening again, I just won't allow anyone close enough to hurt me. If I don't care, then I can't get hurt. Therefore people are always kept at a distance. If I do let them in and they betray my trust or love in anyway, I can shut them out.

So what I am coming to see is that this is happening with my boyfriend. I can feel it happening, in some way the time we are apart seems like a betrayal to me and I am shutting down. This scares me because tomorrow when he "resurfaces" he is going to expect things to be normal and they won't be. Even worse he is going to ask me to talk about it. My heart aches because of this. I am not sure how to not have it happen. I just always assume people are going to hurt me so I try to avoid it at all costs. If this means I am alone in order not to be hurt, then I am afraid I would find a way to be okay with that.

I cannot let this rule the rest of my life. I know not everyone is out there to hurt me, but it really feels that way. I have no problem establishing relationships, but they are never completely authentic because I let very few people in close enough to really get to know me. I want to let someone know me. The feeling me, the funny me, the hurt me, the loving me, the real me.

My theme song would be, 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan.

"Hold on to yourself, 'cause this gonna hurt like hell."