The Long Night...

So, I was stood up yesterday by the "Married Boyfriend"! He called earlier in the day to tell me he had a business dinner come up and that he would be over at 8:30 or 9:00. Well, I waited until 9:00 and when he still hadn't shown, I called him. He called me back to tell me that he was still in the meeting and would be leaving there in about 45 minutes. Granted I was disappointed, but I do understand the nature of sales.

Anyway, 10:30 comes, then 11:00, then 11:30 and no man. I call and no answer. Finally around 12:15 am he calls me back. Of course by now I am wondering if he was okay, what was wrong, etc. Actually my first question was, "are you physically okay?" because I couldn't think of any other reason why he couldn't have called to tell me he wasn't going to show. Needless to say he was fine. Then he proceeds to tell me that the dinner ended in a new contract for him but then his wife called with issues. Nothing major he said just, "typical married stuff!" Whatever! Anyway, as soon as he got off the phone with her he called me.

I was so hurt by the entire situation. I have had too many relationships where my time and my feelings were always put on the backburner for someone else. Someone who for what ever reason thought their time was more important than mine.

Our conversation became pretty deep and not so great. I shared with him how much of a balancing act this relationship is for me and how much it does hurt me that he only sees his end of things. I told him how what's at the heart of it is that I have fallen for a man that will never be mine. I heard and listened when he told me that he wasn't planning on leaving her. I am not delusional and I have not forgotten where I stand. The hard thing is that I am the one who will lose on several levels now. Not only will I eventually (maybe sooner now that we had this conversation)lose the man I love, but I will also lose a great friend. There is no way that after this is all said and done that I will be able to maintain a friendship with him. I don't want to hear about how things are going with him and his wife, I don't want to hear about the hopes and dreams they may have as a couple, whatever.

Now I am assuming that his plan is still to stay with her because I have not been told anything differently. For self-preservation I have to function that way and no other. I cannot let my feelings get hurt any more than they already have.

He really didn't have anything to say. What could he say? All I was left with was him saying he really needed to think about what it is he's doing and what he wants. He says it's so hard because now when he has to go see her on the weekends he doesn't want to and he can't wait to get back here to me. He said it was especially bad last week with me being gone and us not seeing each other for 8 days.

As the conversation progressed he shared with me that he doesn't think that we could be married because he thinks we would talk ourselves out of it. I have no idea what would make him think that of me, other than him not knowing me well enough in that area. I told him my only reservation would be trust. I would know how we ended up together and that would have to be worked on, but if we thought we would want to be together we would have to work on it.

His issue was FUCKED up! He said his problem was that I had been involved (dated and had sex with) a friend of his 5 years ago! Yes I did say F I V E Y E A R S A G O ! And to make matters worse, he was the one that hooked us up. He said he had no idea then that we would be where we are today, and that he knows it's wrong and unfair, but his ego gets in the way.

Now, I am not going to apologize for being the person I was 5-10-15 years ago. It was who I was when I was that person. I have matured and I am no longer that way, nor do I even look to connect with others on a solely sexual basis any longer. People grow and learn, that's life. If he can't accept me with my faults/unconditionally then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I just wish my heart would catch up with my brain on this one. My brain is miles ahead of where my heart is. My heart can't see past how I feel when we are together, how he looks at me and kisses me and makes love to me. My heart is a fool that always gets me into trouble!

He said I would see him tonight... Boy that should be fun. I am simply waiting for the break-up conversation now. The other shoe will drop, I just hope it doesn't happen before the 16th because my therapist is on vacation :(