Having To "Sit In It"

The Married Boyfriend situation is on red alert. Things have been rocky this week, and today I finally found out why...

His wife has become suspicious; and so she's checking his voicemails, emails, and going through his calls on the cell bill. Okay. We figured a while ago that I can't leave voicemails, and we do not email each other. Typically, unless I am calling from work, I block my number. But then there are the records of his calls to me, so I guess it becomes a little more difficult to explain the 12:30 a.m. call to my number that lasted for 2 hours. (Phone-boning, as my friend would call it).

So, Sunday night we went to dinner and he leaves his cell phone (his life-line) in the car. I asked him if he meant to do it and he said yes. Turns out he left it in the car so he wouldn't have to talk to her when she called. He then proceeds to stay at my place that night even though he had made no arrangements to "cover his tracks".

Monday we were very stressed because we were fighting. We were fighting because he didn't tell me all that was going on and that lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. We got that out of the way. So today he calls me to make sure I am alright, as he does everyday, and he tells me I may see him tonight. I was excited, of course. He then says that the way things are going he was either going to have a really bad night or a really good one; but that so long as it was either I would see him. If the night was in-between I would not.

Later he calls and tells me I won't see him because he has to handle his situation tonight because he can't take it anymore. My initial instinct was "OH SHIT!" My stomach began to crumble with just the thought of losing him. See I have come to realize as I lay there next to him at night, and wake up to his beautiful face in the morning that he's the one for me. He's it. I see my future and all that corny crap. The mere idea of that leaving me is inconceivable. I just love him so much!

I asked if I should have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach because I did. He said, "yes" at first, but then asked why I had that feeling. I told him because I am afraid that this would be the end. He told me that he had created this, and he was going to take care of it tonight. He said he would call me later this evening if he could. I told him I would appreciate it because he would be on my mind. We said our "I love you's" and got off the phone. He never said that he wasn't going to break things off with me.

I talked to him briefly while he was in a dinner meeting and he said he'd call me in about an hour, he was upbeat mood but he never called. I called at about 10:50 and no answer. He always calls before he goes to bed, usually round midnight so I am sitting here with both my cell and land line waiting.

My therapist says I need to try and sit in my anxiety. Just "sit in it" and see what happens. Well I have no choice but to sit in this. No amount of food or drugs is going to take away this growing emptiness in the pit of my stomach or the tears that I am crying because I am so scared. See if I lose him, I am most afraid that it will trigger a depression and I am not sure if I am strong enough to handle that right now.

How do you prepare yourself for the bottom to drop out?

My friends all think I am crazy thinking that he's going to break things off with me considering all that we have shared. They can't see how he would even choose her. I never discount anything. It has been my experience that life is funny that way, and I am a believer in self-preservation.

Please pray that he picks me.

In the words of Meredith Grey, "pick me, choose me!" I need to know that for once, someone loves me back as much as I love them. And I truly love him everything I am.