And The Saga Continues

Since it's been a while, let's do a bipolar activity update...

Sleeping is limited and choppy at best. This week has been horrible for sleeping and I am really feeling it. I was taking Xanax while I was at the beach to sleep and to deal with the environment (my mother), but I was waking very early, 6:00 am, that entire week and now if/when I finally get to sleep I can't stay that way. I will try some Ambien CR tonight and see if that works because I am VERY sleepy.

As for my mood, I have had a week full of helping others, which is good so I have been pretty happy, but a little unproductive at work due to the exhaustion. I am really hoping for a different outcome for next week.

Things are going well in life for me now, which freaks me out a bit. It's like I am afraid of being happy and letting go, just letting things happen, but I am trying to "just sit in it" as my therapist would say. As for my crack dealer (aka psychiatrist), I flaked and cancelled my appointment with her because I can't afford to go right now. I should have called and said I can't pay you, but I think I really need to check in. Well didn't do it, and now her assistant keeps leaving messages for me to reschedule and I haven't called back.

Work...
More projects, more work, still no new employee to fill my position, nothing else new. Same shit - different day.

Finances...
I am managing to pay some bills down, but right now I am REALLY low on funds. I am not going to my parents though, I refuse. I will make it work somehow. Not certain how because I don't want to ask my boyfriend or anyone else. We will seee, just one day at a time. I am making progress, but it's not easy.

Love...
Recap - last night during dinner he became really stressed and tired. He left at about 9:30 pm. My phone rings at 11:30 and it's him telling me he would be over at 12:30. I was confused but very excited that he was coming. I was actually anxioous and nervous becasue I wasn't sure why he was coming and I wanted him here as soon as possible so I could find out what the occasion was that he was able to come over so late. Since he's beeen staying with his brother-in-law, this has not been possible.

Anyway, he showed up visibly upset, and shows me his Blackberry which has been smashed against the dashboard of his truck and is now crushed. Okay, he tells me that he had been planning to surprise me by coming over to spend the night tonight by telling his wife that she needed to book a hotel room for him for the night because the lack of air conditioning in her brother's house. Well, she didn't make the reservations which is what hhe found out about while we were at dinner, hence the stress. So he headed to his brother's place. While on the way she called again, they faught, he slammed the phone. Gets to his brother's and is like, fuck it he was still coming to me. Next thing I know he's at my door. He takes a shower, we make love, he cried and promised me this was going to all work out (whatever that means, I don't ask questions I don't want the answer to) and he loved me. He said there's a lot that he has to figure out and take care of.

Okay, so he typically goes to his house in NC on the weekends to be with her. He leaves Friday morning and returns either late Sunday night or Monday morning. Well, he calls me at work today to ask what time I would be home from work. I'm like I was going to leave in about a half hour, so I would be there at 6:00. He's like okay, I'll see you then.

"What?"
"I'll see you at 6:00, decide where you want to go for dinner. No wait, I want a burger so Red Robin?"
"Okay, I will see you when I get home."

Shortly after 6:00 pm he was knocking on my door. He told me he could stay until he had to go to the airport. Instead of him going there he booked her a flight here, purposefully on the time that does not have a direct flight so she had an 1 1/2 hour layover in Atlanta. Also, he booked her to fly out at 8:00 am on Sunday and that he would be here shortly after he dropped her off and wwould stay over Sunday night. This way we would only miss one day apart. Then he tells me he's trying and for me to just be patient.

I am not used to men wanting or better yet going out of their way to be with me, and this is so hard because as he tells me what she does to him or says it hurts me because he's such a good guy. My roommate is apalled because he has obviously ended up with a woman that just wants to take advantage of him. He is a wonderful man who has an amazing heart. He's not the most romantic guy in a conventional way, but he is thoughtful, and afterall he accepts me. Lupus, mental breakdowns, horrible credit and broke, emotional baggage and all.

I will miss him tomorrow, but for once it's only ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to say it, but I really hope he leaves her. God, I said I wasn't going to do this but here we go.