Flight of Thought

That's what my therapist called it. Last night I sat on her love seat, I refulse to lay on the couch, and vomited words for an entire hour. Usually she will take notes, do the therapist thing, but not last night. No way, she just put down her pen and paper and let me fly. And I was flying at 100 mph.

I came up with an idea for a marketing campaign that Abilify can use. They can show the Audubon, but instead of cars, there will be streams of thoughts, sentences, phrases, words flying by one another, bumping into one another, cutting each other off. That's what it's like.

I had been "normal" all day. I was in a good mood, but by the time I got to her, I was so manic is was ridiculous. I was going to say it was crazy, but well...

Then I crashed after I left. Not that I was depressed, but just okay. Then today, my co-workers were like, are you alright? I was told my energy wasn't like it usually is. I was alright, just not manic. I have been getting a great deal done, and especially since my job requires me to be very creative that's been great. Needless to say there is the fact that I can't sleep well and the fact that I had to borrow $500 from my parents and now I have about $25 left after rent is paid. Oh well, time to tap into the sad little, and mean little, savings account. I cannot ask them for help again.

Boyfriend update... I got upset with him today, and I am not even certain as to why. He found out his wife was coming into town tonight which means that I won't see or talk to him until next Tuesday. Plus I am leaving town next Wed. AARRGGHH!!!

Oh well, I apologized for yelling at him, it's not he could stop her from coming. He was just like, "we'll make it work next week." I hope so.

No Songs Today

I have been REALLY busy at work, which is where I am now taking lunch at my desk which seems to be becoming a habit lately. I stopped at the Roots market, which is local vegan/veggie/healthy spot and made a salad. I feel good about that!

I see my therapist today and have to tell her that I cannot pay her today or next session, but oh well. We have a lot to talk about, but I am intent on not crying today because I already have a headache ensuing and I don't want to make it any worse.

The Abilify has been working great. I have even lost some weight! I have been REALLY shaky, I mean terrible tremors, but they seem to be subsiding. It makes me a little anxious so I have been taking a little Xanax, and sleeping has been a slight challenge. Not bad enough for me to take the Seroquel, but I wake up early. But I feel pretty good and that's all that matters.

Nothing else really going on. Just one day at a time.

Grant me the serenity!

Where Does the Good Go?

It's funny how all of my posts tend to have something to do with a song I happen to be listening to at the time I am posting. That's usually due to the fact that iTunes is typically blasting when I am going through this process.

So things have been pretty bad these last couple of weeks. I honestly thought I was going to have to check in for a little quiet time on the 6th floor of Montgomery General Hospital. Luckily it did not come to that. I was feeling VERY unstable. So there in lies my question...

Where does the good go?

I was so happy, so high, and then the rug was pulled out from under me. I was flying and then shot out of the sky into this gaping black hole deep, deep in my soul. Of course I understand the "good" was mania, but it was good.

Today is day 4 on the Abilify and I think I am starting to feel a little more even. I have to be careful though because the Abilify mixed with Prednisone can induce mania.

I hadn't noticed that I really had "checked out" of wok for 2 months or so. Really I hadn't produced anything. Crazy. I am a lot more focused now. I am developing and designing training, but I am also tired. I have told myself that I am not going to work tonight, but I feel like I need to. I have agreed to go into the office on Sunday because I just can't get everything done during the week. My manager picked up on the fact that I have been distracted lately. I had to finally explain to her what was going on and she was very understanding. We will see if it stays that way.

My crack-dealer gave me a sample pack of 25 mg Seroquel to take if the Abilify makes it impossible for me to sleep. Apparently that happens for a lot of people. I have been on the exhausted end of the Abilify. So I haven't taken the Seroquel.

I have started, just today, back on Weight Watchers. This is going to be my one thing that I can control. I really need that right now. Just one thing I can count on being able to predict. The funny thing about that is my life is such chaos, and I prefer it to be that way, but here I am looking for something to control. We shall see how it goes. My eating has been out of control. Completely in excess, but then again so has everything else, which is what happens for me when I'm manic. Food, sex, spending, whatever just in EXCESS!

I am finding myself having more and more conversations with myself. Not sure what that's about, but I ask myself questions, answer them, whatever.

As for the love life... It has been a great week. He stayed over Monday and last night. We had dinner Tuesday, but couldn't hook up Wednesday due to work (on both our parts). His wife is still stressing him and he shared that one day he will just wake up with the weight of the world on his head and just call her and tell her he wants a divorce. He is really getting tired of the "drama". One can only hope he gets tired of it sooner than later!

And Another Day

So it's the fourth day of Abilify. It makes my head and ears hurt, but other than that things are okay. I am sleeping but waking up a little groggy. My chest hurts but I think it's a Lupus thing and not the meds. Side effects usually wear off in a week so I am holding out for my week to end.

My boyfriend and I have been getting along really well this week. No one is putting any pressure on anyone for anything. Things are really easy and I am very happy about it. He is calling me constantly and I must admit I am loving the attention.

Work is getting a bit better. I have been working a lot of extra hours and staying in the game. My manager said she realizes that I am really focused now. It's draining, but I am managing.

As It Stands Now...

Well, as we know things have not been going well for me lately. I am not sure if I posted (pretty sure I didn't) about my manager telling me that she notices I have not been "focused" lately at work. She actually said that she has noticed this for about 2 months or so. I had to break down and explain things to her, which is not a bad thing. She knew I was Bipolar so me explaining gave her insight into what it is I am dealing with.

I went to the crack dealer yesterday and she gave me Abilify and 25 mgs of Seroquel to take if the Ambien or Xanax can't get me to sleep. Took the Abilify last night and it made me hazy but not totally sleepy. I took Ambien and slept like a baby. I've been having night sweats, not too sure what's up with that. I am a little tired today, but it's not that bad.

My boyfriend resurfaced yesterday and stayed the night. Apparently when I decided to "let him go" it got his attention. Things were weird, but they are getting to be a little more familiar, slowly. I am still not calling him, I wait for him to call me, and he called 6 times yesterday.

Oh, I have to go back to work, they moved my cube since too many people were stopping to talk to me. My cube was right next to the coffee machine, the talking was kind of unavoidable.

Is Anyone Out There?

Last week was terrible. Beyond difficult. I have withdrawn from those around me because I am not certain what else to do.

I saw my therapist on Wednesday and fessed up to all of my feelings and behaviors while she was gone. She thinks that I ended up in such a state because my usual safety blankets were no longer available.

I have a tendency to drain people in my life when I am depressed or manic so I try not to involve anyone in my life during these times.

I will make an appointment with my crack dealer and find out what the next step is in medication changes. I need something more powerful because the Lamictal isn't taking care of all it needs to.

I am trying to get myself together for work this week, and for the possibility that my "boyfriend" may be out of my life for good. He has asked that I give him a chance to get himself/thoughts/feelings together. I told him that I wouldn't call him, he will have to call me. We'll see...

If anyone is out there, please respond because I haven't heard from anyone in a while. Maybe no one is reading anymore.

What's Wrong With Me?

It hurts so badly. Life that is. My best friend asked me what it is that I am so upset about. Why I am crying so much, why I can't seem to be happy about anything. The thing is I have no answer for her. All I could do was tell her I have a few really great days when I am on top of my game, when I feel smart and beautiful and full of energy (sometimes a week or 2 like this if I am lucky); and then just like that the rug is pulled from under you. I have a day of blankness. I can't describe my mood; I have no idea of how I am supposed to react or feel, and then the abyss.

I am so far in the abyss right now. I need to see my psychiatrist and can't afford to, and I don't want to have to ask my parents for the money, again. My therapist is finally back from vacation, but I still have to wait until Wednesday to see her. I made things horrible with my boyfriend this evening; I made a complete fool of myself.

My head is so tormented by everything and there isn't enough medication in the world. The vodka I mixed with the meds isn't doing it either. I haven't been treated with an antidepressant in years (Serzone was the last about 10 years ago) so maybe it's time to venture out on that limb again. The Lamictal is handling the mania, it's the depression that I am having trouble with.

I am going to be hung over in the morning. It's 1:00 a.m. and I have to be on top of my game tomorrow.. So much for that, plus I have this networking event I am supposed to go to. Yet another situation in which I will have to put on the faux face.

Oblivion, that's what I crave. I was going to try to watch the broadcast of the DMB show from Florida since I missed it Saturday, but I don't even want to do that. I am in trouble and I know it, but now is not a good time for a breakdown or a hospital visit, but I am afraid that it may be required soon if things don't improve...

Reflections and Possibilities

God, yesterday was horrible. I was so depressed (I still am now, but not as bad)and not sure what to do with myself. I ran my many errands all the while watching the clock wondering how many hours until I could go to bed and not feel funny about being in bed so early.

To eat up time I played games on the computer then took a VERY long bath. Crying the entire time. While in the bath I debated on the best way to kill myself. I landed on the old standby of slitting the wrists. That way I could slip away in a wonderfully perfumed bath. I realized that had I done it yesterday, I could have been in there at least until around noon today, dead, with no one to bother me. My roommate would not have come searching for me unless someone called, and even if they did she would probably just figure that I was in the shower and leave a note on the bedroom door. She goes to work before I do, so if I wasn't up she wouldn't have noticed.

Now, if I had missed my 10:00 meeting today for the Fall Campaign then someone would have noticed. They would probably call my roommate, who would call the apartment and my cell phone. Once she got no answer she would call my family and then proceed to the apartment at which time my body would be discovered.

Now, don't you all (whomever may be reading) get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not offing myself anytime soon; it's just I have these thoughts when days get bad. I know I can't be the only one out there. My therapist is back in town and I see her on Wednesday evening. I REALLY need to see her. That may be part of the reason that I have been so damn needy of other folks lately because I haven't seen her in 3 weeks.

Boyfriend update, I will see him tonight but it's very hard for me to be excited. This last week has taken a toll on me emotionally that has lead to some trust issues for me. I may feel different this evening, who knows.

Quiet Sunday

I am sitting here trying not to cry because it amazes me just how easy it is for me to shut off feelings.

See something happened when I was little that made me realize that the people that you are supposed to trust and rely on in life can betray that very easily. Ever since then, I have decided that in order to keep that from happening again, I just won't allow anyone close enough to hurt me. If I don't care, then I can't get hurt. Therefore people are always kept at a distance. If I do let them in and they betray my trust or love in anyway, I can shut them out.

So what I am coming to see is that this is happening with my boyfriend. I can feel it happening, in some way the time we are apart seems like a betrayal to me and I am shutting down. This scares me because tomorrow when he "resurfaces" he is going to expect things to be normal and they won't be. Even worse he is going to ask me to talk about it. My heart aches because of this. I am not sure how to not have it happen. I just always assume people are going to hurt me so I try to avoid it at all costs. If this means I am alone in order not to be hurt, then I am afraid I would find a way to be okay with that.

I cannot let this rule the rest of my life. I know not everyone is out there to hurt me, but it really feels that way. I have no problem establishing relationships, but they are never completely authentic because I let very few people in close enough to really get to know me. I want to let someone know me. The feeling me, the funny me, the hurt me, the loving me, the real me.

My theme song would be, 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan.

"Hold on to yourself, 'cause this gonna hurt like hell."

Changing My Focus

So I have decided not to let my boyfriend consume so much of my brain space. I spend a lot of time thinking/talking about him and our problems.

So today, I am getting back to my life as it existed without him in it. I have enjoyed my customary cup of Starbuck's in front of my beautiful window looking out onto the golf course, and now I am blogging. Once complete, I will go and CLEAN!!!!

I love to clean, which many people do not understand, but I do. I have to be careful though because when I am stressed and really anxious the OCD becomes unbearable on the cleanliness side. Did I mention that when I was on vacation we stopped at a gas station and I went to pee. The bathroom was hideous. I made my sister wait so I could buy water to clean the bottoms of my shoes because I was afraid the bacteria would transfer to my feet and other places in her truck and ultimately make everyone end up with E. Coli and maybe die. Then again I am a person who didn't get their license until they were 19 because I was afraid I was going to kill someone. WHATEVER!

It's funny how these thoughts are so real to me, but then the minute I open my mouth to speak them outloud I feel like such a weird-ass because I hear just how skewed the thoughts are. Anyway, I have to clean my bathroom with Clorox to keep the E. Coli from spreading and making me and any visitors sick.

I am able to keep my cleaning to my personal space now without feeling that I have to obsessively clean the entire apartment. This is a huge feat for me. When I first moved the cleaning "ritual" was taking about 5 hours on Saturday. And it had to be done on Saturday. Believe me, the apartment is not dirty at all. My roommate is VERY neat and we aren't here very much at all, only in the evenings, if then.

So I will clean my bathroom (cleaned weekly, not an option) and room (now cleaned bi-weekly), I will clean the kitchen and run the dishwasher (weekly, bug infestation fear), and vacuum the apartment. This takes about 2 hours tops.

My sister and I are headed to Georgetown this evening to go to Lush and buy some wonderful body products so I can come home and enjoy a bath! Then depending on how I feel when I get back I may do a little work.

I am excited. It's a beautiful day, a great day to hang in the city and maybe even buy a new purse from a street vendor. Even better!

Friday at Home

Home sick today... The stress finally caught up with me. Lupus flare; a lot of pain and exhaustion. Everything HURTS!

Here's the problem, I suck at being sick. I am, by nature and lack of mental stabillity, a busy body. So being sick kills me. I can't stand not being able to be out and about doing something. The lining of my stomach is inflamed... OUCH! I swear, I would never wish this illness on my worst enemy, it is horrible. Taking 29, yes I said 29, pills a day SUCKS! I don't usually bitch and moan but today I am. This shit isn't fair, no one should have to deal with this. If anyone is interested, check out the LFA site for a little light reading. (www.lupus.org)

My next tattoo will be a butterfly since this is the symbol of lupus because of this lovely rash we get on our faces. The thing is, I am not a fan of butterfly tattoos and they stike me as somewhat boring; but I think it would be beneficial because if I can't conquer this disease at least by experiencing the pain of the tatto and making it a more spiritual process then maybe symbolically I can overcome it. Tattoos are very therapeutic, and actually not that painful.

Boyfriend... We are still having to lay low. She will be here this weekend. He says he wishes he could come take care of me and that he really misses being around me. I am so frustrated by the situation, but it's what I chose for myself. He always asks if it's okay with me that we can't see each other until next week. Why does it matter, I have no choice. He says he just doesn't want me upset so he asks. Oh well...

Still Sitting, Still Tortured

We won't be seeing each other tonight, and although he will be in town this weekend we probably won't be seeing each other tomorrow. He wants to let things clear up before we start seeing each other again. This is killing me and breaking my heart because I want him to want to be with me. So now I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to make a decision that I can be comfortable with.

I am on the back-burner. I am not sure how to respond and it hurts, it really hurts. He was all happy this morning when I talked to him, and I was in a good place myself but as soon as I asked if we would see each other and he told me about the hiatus I shut down and got off the phone.

I am trying to occupy myself with the 10,000 things that I need to get done here at work, but it's impossible. I want to pick up the phone and call him, but to say what? There is nothing I can say that will change anything. My feelings at this point, in this situation are mute and that kills me. I don't think he intends for it to be that way, but it is. Literally what I need from him doesn't matter right now.

What should I do?

Sat In It

So as soon as I finished posting, my cell rang and it was him.

He is still "working on things", but he's good. He said we would probably see each other tomorrow, so that's good.

I am still sitting in it.

Having To "Sit In It"

The Married Boyfriend situation is on red alert. Things have been rocky this week, and today I finally found out why...

His wife has become suspicious; and so she's checking his voicemails, emails, and going through his calls on the cell bill. Okay. We figured a while ago that I can't leave voicemails, and we do not email each other. Typically, unless I am calling from work, I block my number. But then there are the records of his calls to me, so I guess it becomes a little more difficult to explain the 12:30 a.m. call to my number that lasted for 2 hours. (Phone-boning, as my friend would call it).

So, Sunday night we went to dinner and he leaves his cell phone (his life-line) in the car. I asked him if he meant to do it and he said yes. Turns out he left it in the car so he wouldn't have to talk to her when she called. He then proceeds to stay at my place that night even though he had made no arrangements to "cover his tracks".

Monday we were very stressed because we were fighting. We were fighting because he didn't tell me all that was going on and that lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. We got that out of the way. So today he calls me to make sure I am alright, as he does everyday, and he tells me I may see him tonight. I was excited, of course. He then says that the way things are going he was either going to have a really bad night or a really good one; but that so long as it was either I would see him. If the night was in-between I would not.

Later he calls and tells me I won't see him because he has to handle his situation tonight because he can't take it anymore. My initial instinct was "OH SHIT!" My stomach began to crumble with just the thought of losing him. See I have come to realize as I lay there next to him at night, and wake up to his beautiful face in the morning that he's the one for me. He's it. I see my future and all that corny crap. The mere idea of that leaving me is inconceivable. I just love him so much!

I asked if I should have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach because I did. He said, "yes" at first, but then asked why I had that feeling. I told him because I am afraid that this would be the end. He told me that he had created this, and he was going to take care of it tonight. He said he would call me later this evening if he could. I told him I would appreciate it because he would be on my mind. We said our "I love you's" and got off the phone. He never said that he wasn't going to break things off with me.

I talked to him briefly while he was in a dinner meeting and he said he'd call me in about an hour, he was upbeat mood but he never called. I called at about 10:50 and no answer. He always calls before he goes to bed, usually round midnight so I am sitting here with both my cell and land line waiting.

My therapist says I need to try and sit in my anxiety. Just "sit in it" and see what happens. Well I have no choice but to sit in this. No amount of food or drugs is going to take away this growing emptiness in the pit of my stomach or the tears that I am crying because I am so scared. See if I lose him, I am most afraid that it will trigger a depression and I am not sure if I am strong enough to handle that right now.

How do you prepare yourself for the bottom to drop out?

My friends all think I am crazy thinking that he's going to break things off with me considering all that we have shared. They can't see how he would even choose her. I never discount anything. It has been my experience that life is funny that way, and I am a believer in self-preservation.

Please pray that he picks me.

In the words of Meredith Grey, "pick me, choose me!" I need to know that for once, someone loves me back as much as I love them. And I truly love him everything I am.

YUCK!

Woke up this morning, practically afternoon feeling pretty crappy.

My throat hurt, head hurt, congested, and overall tired. I took the Ambien CR last night and crashed. I am not sure if I felt so bad today because I slept so hard last night, or maybe it was just from shear exhaustion. Anyway, some Excedrin/Mucinex later, I still feel a little bogged, but definitely better.

I need to do laundry and clean up my room and bathroom but I am not motivated. I have elected to spend the entire day in the bed. I have drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day, so maybe I really am fighting off a bug or something because I ONLY nap when I am sick. My throat was bothering me a little yesterday but not a lot. My interns have all been sick at work. One had strep, one had mono, and the other had an unidentified "virus". I was joking with them that they have been screwing all summer and that I wanted to be the Godmother of any children that come from it! I didn't think of me catching anything because I am already taking an antibiotic (for a sinus infection post-beach) and I sprayed everything with Lysol at work. Oh well. Hopefully I will feel well tomorrow.

Mentally doesn't matter today because I have had no contact with anyone. I have talked to my roommate who is in bed today also recovering from a weeklong hangover (she was away at a professional conference). We briefly played with the idea of going to see Talladega Nights this evening but since it's 7:23 pm and we are both still in pjs I don't think that will happen.

I talked to my sister who was last going bike riding (good for her!), but other than that, nothing. And of course I spoke to my mother who was, as usual, complaining about her back hurting. She's a narcissist and a hypochondriac. I asked her if she had taken her pain meds - of course not. Did I mention she's also extremely depressed, co-dependent, and agoraphobic? Oh yeah, and she's a blast to be around. Little ray of sunshine that woman :(

I don't have the energy to start on her, I am getting sleepy again and my throat needs another dose of cloroseptic.

Oh by the way... My spellchecker isn't working for some reason, so ignore the typing errors.

And The Saga Continues

Since it's been a while, let's do a bipolar activity update...

Sleeping is limited and choppy at best. This week has been horrible for sleeping and I am really feeling it. I was taking Xanax while I was at the beach to sleep and to deal with the environment (my mother), but I was waking very early, 6:00 am, that entire week and now if/when I finally get to sleep I can't stay that way. I will try some Ambien CR tonight and see if that works because I am VERY sleepy.

As for my mood, I have had a week full of helping others, which is good so I have been pretty happy, but a little unproductive at work due to the exhaustion. I am really hoping for a different outcome for next week.

Things are going well in life for me now, which freaks me out a bit. It's like I am afraid of being happy and letting go, just letting things happen, but I am trying to "just sit in it" as my therapist would say. As for my crack dealer (aka psychiatrist), I flaked and cancelled my appointment with her because I can't afford to go right now. I should have called and said I can't pay you, but I think I really need to check in. Well didn't do it, and now her assistant keeps leaving messages for me to reschedule and I haven't called back.

Work...
More projects, more work, still no new employee to fill my position, nothing else new. Same shit - different day.

Finances...
I am managing to pay some bills down, but right now I am REALLY low on funds. I am not going to my parents though, I refuse. I will make it work somehow. Not certain how because I don't want to ask my boyfriend or anyone else. We will seee, just one day at a time. I am making progress, but it's not easy.

Love...
Recap - last night during dinner he became really stressed and tired. He left at about 9:30 pm. My phone rings at 11:30 and it's him telling me he would be over at 12:30. I was confused but very excited that he was coming. I was actually anxioous and nervous becasue I wasn't sure why he was coming and I wanted him here as soon as possible so I could find out what the occasion was that he was able to come over so late. Since he's beeen staying with his brother-in-law, this has not been possible.

Anyway, he showed up visibly upset, and shows me his Blackberry which has been smashed against the dashboard of his truck and is now crushed. Okay, he tells me that he had been planning to surprise me by coming over to spend the night tonight by telling his wife that she needed to book a hotel room for him for the night because the lack of air conditioning in her brother's house. Well, she didn't make the reservations which is what hhe found out about while we were at dinner, hence the stress. So he headed to his brother's place. While on the way she called again, they faught, he slammed the phone. Gets to his brother's and is like, fuck it he was still coming to me. Next thing I know he's at my door. He takes a shower, we make love, he cried and promised me this was going to all work out (whatever that means, I don't ask questions I don't want the answer to) and he loved me. He said there's a lot that he has to figure out and take care of.

Okay, so he typically goes to his house in NC on the weekends to be with her. He leaves Friday morning and returns either late Sunday night or Monday morning. Well, he calls me at work today to ask what time I would be home from work. I'm like I was going to leave in about a half hour, so I would be there at 6:00. He's like okay, I'll see you then.

"What?"
"I'll see you at 6:00, decide where you want to go for dinner. No wait, I want a burger so Red Robin?"
"Okay, I will see you when I get home."

Shortly after 6:00 pm he was knocking on my door. He told me he could stay until he had to go to the airport. Instead of him going there he booked her a flight here, purposefully on the time that does not have a direct flight so she had an 1 1/2 hour layover in Atlanta. Also, he booked her to fly out at 8:00 am on Sunday and that he would be here shortly after he dropped her off and wwould stay over Sunday night. This way we would only miss one day apart. Then he tells me he's trying and for me to just be patient.

I am not used to men wanting or better yet going out of their way to be with me, and this is so hard because as he tells me what she does to him or says it hurts me because he's such a good guy. My roommate is apalled because he has obviously ended up with a woman that just wants to take advantage of him. He is a wonderful man who has an amazing heart. He's not the most romantic guy in a conventional way, but he is thoughtful, and afterall he accepts me. Lupus, mental breakdowns, horrible credit and broke, emotional baggage and all.

I will miss him tomorrow, but for once it's only ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to say it, but I really hope he leaves her. God, I said I wasn't going to do this but here we go.

La La Land

First off let me just say that if I can give anyone any advice in life at all it is, "never get involved with a married man." It's just too difficult.

Tonight I have come to realize that I am not used to someone loving me. Being in love with me that is. I have never really had that in my life. Sure, I have had a lot of twisted versions of what other people may thin love is, but never have I been with someone who seems to have the same understanding. Now of course the biggest issue is the fact that he is married. Why he is, I don't know. Will he stay that way? I have no idea...

He realized that he said and did some really dumb things last night. He told me that he was being prideful and very dumb and it didn't matter about my past but that now was what really mattered. He was having a lot of pressures from home that he shared with me which are stupid beyond belief and piss me off. I am not pissed because here is this man that has been breaking his ass to provide a particular type of lifestyle for his family (meaning the wife) and it's being taken for granted, but because I cannot stand to see people being treated unfairly in any sense. He has a lot of pressure on him and we finally talked about it. He needs help with the little things that he has no time to do, but he can't bring himself to ask for help.

I noticed the other day when we were having a conversation about his business that he had a a financial business need but yet he didn't ask me for help. I don't mean he was asking me for money, I mean due to my line of business I am in a position to connect him with the people he needs to make things happen, and very quickly. This would benefit not only him and his business, but my line of business also. I connected him with the right people and it's a win-win situation for everyone. He's stressed by the thought of how to handle the amount of money that is coming in for him. I obviously work in the financial field so it only made sense that I help.

Today he was becoming overwhelmed with needing to go buy some clothes for work since he has the bulk of his clothes at the house where she is and not here but he can't find the time. Duh, I shop like every weekend, just give me the sizes and the cash and I will get you some clothes. All he needs are extra Polo's and khakis. He was actually amazed that I would do that for him. I stopped and told him that I have noticed that he is not used to having someone there to help him and support him. He fessed up to the fact that he doesn't have anyone to vent to and the times he has wanted to vent to me he hasn't because he is supposed to be my problem-solver. I told him that even the problem-solver needs someone to lean on from time to time and that I was here to be that person, that's what you do when you love someone and it's okay. I assured him that based on his actions in the past, I know he's my problem-solver and that I could not lose sight of that. He just looked at me, hugged me, kissed me, and then thanked me.

I mean the man was worried about finding time to do laundry. Why not bring it over to my place when you come and wash then... Kill 2 birds with one stone. Needless to say, his laundry will be clean from now on :) Anyway, he just shared that he has never had anyone want to be there for him with the intention of finding ways to make his life easier and it be an honest want.

We were very connected tonight, which we typically are. He is going to move out of his brother-in-laws place in Sept. because it's just straining us and our time together. He is also is having her come here this weekend so that she can leave Sunday morning and he can spend Sunday afternoon, night, and then Monday night with me. God the stolen moment planning is ridiculous. It's the part I hate the most, but it is what it I, and I have chosen this for myself.

On another note... We went to Comp USA tonight before going out to dinner (which of course was at my favorite restaurant) to get some junk for his piece of junk pc. While there I found the JBL Creature II subwoofer speakers that I wanted for my Mac. The black ones were on clearance, but my Mac is white (as they all are now). Next thing I know, he's off with the sales guy hunting down the white, so-not-on-clearance speakers. All I have to say is the DMB Central Park show has never sounded so good! I love my new speakers!!!!! I guess he has found the real way to my heart. A little Mac goes a long way with me :)

The Long Night...

So, I was stood up yesterday by the "Married Boyfriend"! He called earlier in the day to tell me he had a business dinner come up and that he would be over at 8:30 or 9:00. Well, I waited until 9:00 and when he still hadn't shown, I called him. He called me back to tell me that he was still in the meeting and would be leaving there in about 45 minutes. Granted I was disappointed, but I do understand the nature of sales.

Anyway, 10:30 comes, then 11:00, then 11:30 and no man. I call and no answer. Finally around 12:15 am he calls me back. Of course by now I am wondering if he was okay, what was wrong, etc. Actually my first question was, "are you physically okay?" because I couldn't think of any other reason why he couldn't have called to tell me he wasn't going to show. Needless to say he was fine. Then he proceeds to tell me that the dinner ended in a new contract for him but then his wife called with issues. Nothing major he said just, "typical married stuff!" Whatever! Anyway, as soon as he got off the phone with her he called me.

I was so hurt by the entire situation. I have had too many relationships where my time and my feelings were always put on the backburner for someone else. Someone who for what ever reason thought their time was more important than mine.

Our conversation became pretty deep and not so great. I shared with him how much of a balancing act this relationship is for me and how much it does hurt me that he only sees his end of things. I told him how what's at the heart of it is that I have fallen for a man that will never be mine. I heard and listened when he told me that he wasn't planning on leaving her. I am not delusional and I have not forgotten where I stand. The hard thing is that I am the one who will lose on several levels now. Not only will I eventually (maybe sooner now that we had this conversation)lose the man I love, but I will also lose a great friend. There is no way that after this is all said and done that I will be able to maintain a friendship with him. I don't want to hear about how things are going with him and his wife, I don't want to hear about the hopes and dreams they may have as a couple, whatever.

Now I am assuming that his plan is still to stay with her because I have not been told anything differently. For self-preservation I have to function that way and no other. I cannot let my feelings get hurt any more than they already have.

He really didn't have anything to say. What could he say? All I was left with was him saying he really needed to think about what it is he's doing and what he wants. He says it's so hard because now when he has to go see her on the weekends he doesn't want to and he can't wait to get back here to me. He said it was especially bad last week with me being gone and us not seeing each other for 8 days.

As the conversation progressed he shared with me that he doesn't think that we could be married because he thinks we would talk ourselves out of it. I have no idea what would make him think that of me, other than him not knowing me well enough in that area. I told him my only reservation would be trust. I would know how we ended up together and that would have to be worked on, but if we thought we would want to be together we would have to work on it.

His issue was FUCKED up! He said his problem was that I had been involved (dated and had sex with) a friend of his 5 years ago! Yes I did say F I V E Y E A R S A G O ! And to make matters worse, he was the one that hooked us up. He said he had no idea then that we would be where we are today, and that he knows it's wrong and unfair, but his ego gets in the way.

Now, I am not going to apologize for being the person I was 5-10-15 years ago. It was who I was when I was that person. I have matured and I am no longer that way, nor do I even look to connect with others on a solely sexual basis any longer. People grow and learn, that's life. If he can't accept me with my faults/unconditionally then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I just wish my heart would catch up with my brain on this one. My brain is miles ahead of where my heart is. My heart can't see past how I feel when we are together, how he looks at me and kisses me and makes love to me. My heart is a fool that always gets me into trouble!

He said I would see him tonight... Boy that should be fun. I am simply waiting for the break-up conversation now. The other shoe will drop, I just hope it doesn't happen before the 16th because my therapist is on vacation :(

Welcome Return

Vacation was long... VERY long. My mother and I as usual fought almost the entire time. My sister believes we fight constantly because I always stand up to her instead of letting her run over me ike she wants to. She thinks to a degree my mother is envious.

So while I was gone over the week, my mood was very stable even with the added stress of being locked up in a condo with my family! So, I will attribute that to the increase in my friend Lamictal and the Xanax that I took. I will say that sleeping has been a difficult thing for me lately. Even the Ambien isn't working which is never a good thing.

I left things in a good place at work so it wasn't too bad getting back, however, I am finding myself kind of falling into the avoidance box again which concerns me, but that will be okay. I have a project in particular that for whatever reason I cannot seem to get out, and so my manager had to remind me of that this week. She's also on my ass about hiring a person for my opening. I am interviewing, but I am not happy with any of the people. I want someone who would be the right fit, not just a body. I have already had to let 2 bodies go. I inherited a broken department and I just want to fix it, and better yet, do it right.

Now as for the love life. I am failing myself because I went into this relationship with this married man thinking I was going to be able to have some control over my emotions, but I am finding that this is just not possible. I am falling head over heels. And the thing about is I am not alone. While I was on vacation all he did was call and tell me how much I was missed, and we even had a dinner date over the phone. He called and asked me where I wanted to go to dinner. He went to that restaurant and then proceeded to talk to me throughout dinner just as if I was there. "I love you" was said A LOT and it was not precipitated by me.

Now the hard part starts. This is when I begin questioning my worthiness of having someone to love me in my life. My self-confidence starts to become a struggle and everything becomes about how to keep him. Yeah, how to keep a man that really isn't mine in the first place. Anyway... He just makes me feel loved, he doesn't have to say it, he just does it. I am not used to that.

The first night on the beach my sister and I went to see a psychic/palm reader. This was not the first time we have seen her, but it had been at least 2 years. The first question she asked me was, "you've been here before haven't you?", okay so very weird. She then proceeded to read my palm and tell me how I am on a constant quest for the truth (ironic, check out the name of the blog!), and that I was a born leader and teacher. Now, I am not going to divulge exactly what it is I do for a living, but you can figure that I obviously manage others, and I will say it is in the field of education!

Here's the clincher... She begins to tell me that I am very lucky and come by money easily. This has always been true in my life. Then she says, just as easily as I come by the money, it leaves my hands... Um, yeah! Finally, she tells me that I am in love with a man. She asked to confirm and I hesitated because I knew it, but tried not to know it if that makes any sense, but then I fessed up. She says that he is very deeply in love with me. She saw marriage around me and paused, "he's married isn't he?" she asked. I was freaked! I admitted that he was, so she tells me that he is not happy and that it wasn't going to last. He loves you she said, and you are the one he is supposed to be with. "You will be together honey, in about 1 1/2 years or 2. You will marry this man, he is your soul mate, and he knows it now. Your dreams and wishes have not come true for you yet, but in 2 years time you will marry him and your wishes will be fulfilled." I was absolutely freaked.

Now, when he called me that night I told him we went to the psychic, he badgered me to tell him what she said, and when I told him he was like, well, you never know what life has in store for you, or for us! Anything is possible he said. He's also been sharing a lot about why things aren't what he wants with his wife. I have to make sure that when he tells me these things that I am speaking from the point of view of a friend and not a girlfriend that really wants him all to herself. I refuse to push him in this situation because if we are meant to be together, it will happen,

So last night was the first time we had seen each other since I returned and it was magical... He has gone to church tonight and we will see each other tomorrow. I jokingly asked if he was going to church to receive absolution for his sins. He looked at me and said, he's going to church to give thanks for the blessings in his life, of which I am one. Plus he said, he can't ask for absolution for something he has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

So there you have it, my life space now as it exists! Now I have a coaching session with my manager tomorrow... We'll see how that goes. Hopefully well. And as for the boyfriend, the hours tomorrow will eke by slowly, but I can't wait until tomorrow night!