Soldier Boy

Quick mental status check-in... Lamictal is at 200 mg and things are seeming to balance out a bit. I am still going to push to 250 next, oops I mean this week. The test will be next weeks family vacation! I will be refilling the Xanax before spending a week with the fam....

So, let's say I am a man recycler. I am constantly recycling the same men in and out of my life, and consequently, I have never been alone. There is this one man in particular who happens to be in the Army now. Needless to say, we see each other on an intermittent basis. He's cool, cute, sweet, and bipolar! Anyway, the first question he asks is always, "did you miss me?" Well, the answer really is, no. It's kind of out of sight, out of mind with him. But I always feel pressured to answer in a way that won't hurt his feelings. I don't say yes, but I don't say no either.

Anyway, he's back from round 2 in Afghanistan and is stationed in Augusta, GA. He wants to know if he will see me anytime soon. Needless to say, I have no plans or money to travel to GA at this time. Right now any amounts of excess cash I receive will be going to the tremendous amount of debt I have accumulated recently. I do wonder though, what if he offers to pay for my visit? Then what?

I have no idea what my reservations are in this relationship of sorts. Maybe it's the fact that it's totally out there, with no stability and no guarantees. I am afraid of that, which is why I am always with these guys that I can count on in certain situations. There is this song called 'Let Go'. By a group called Frou Frou. It's such a wonderful song, how it talks about letting go, jumping in, and how there's beauty in the breakdown. I really am trying to find that beauty.

Why can't I let go and just let things happen? Why must I control everything? You know, I haven't asked him why he is always asking me when we will see each other, and not some other girl. Maybe I will call and see what the answer is...

I'm scared, but why? I am afraid that someone is going to meet the real me, and not like me. Better yet, I think I am afraid they may meet me and love me. Then what?

I am also on a quest to learn what makes me happy in life because I don't think I remember; but the funniest thing happened today as I was cleaning my bathroom ( I'm a cleaner, go figure!). I decided to pull out my Bob Marley CD, and I started listening. While scrubbing the toilet, 'Three Little Birds' started playing, and I remembered how when things sucked in life, my best friends and I (in college) would go blaze outside of this one particular building and sing that song.

"Everything's gonna be alright..."

I am blessed by that memory, and my friends, even if life challenges are pulling us in different directions for now, but it's only temporarily.

For now I am a Dancing Nancy!

Titania - hope you're there - keep in touch , and thanks for reading!