Pleasantville

Okay, it's Friday. Thank God! I am still feeling pretty good, although I will admit, I am starting to feel a little consumed by anxiety. See I have this thing for white. Everything must be white, and perfectly white. Perfectly clean and pure. No spots, no nothing. As I was in the bathroom getting myself ready for my day, I realized I had purple candles in the bathroom. I quickly switched them to white, and then the color of the air freshener started in on me. I think it's the realization that today is my last day to get things straight at work before going away, and it could be that last night was the last time to see my boyfriend for another week and I am going to miss him terribly. We had yet another perfect evening. Just laid on the couch and cuddled and talked about our relationship.

It's pretty ironic that the only really honest and pure relationship I have had in life is one with a married man, but I guess nothing is perfect. Did I mention that he wants to come to therapy with me. Anything he can do to help me be okay with myself.

I am hoping that I can have a relaxing week next week. I am concerned though because my mother is already starting with her neurosis. She is throwing the constant pity party and that is one of the main reasons why I moved out. I just can't take it. The other thing that's bothering me is the fact that I am out of money for the trip. I tried to set aside s little spending cash but crap has come up this week that has kept me from being able to hold on to it. I probably shouldn't worry about that since I know my parents will cover me, but at the same time I don't want that to happen.

I have made a great deal of progress with the money issue. I have managed to refi my car which is cutting my payments by $73 a month, I have finally gotten my therapy debt down below the $1,000 mark, and I have started to pay off some other random bills. Now by no means am I finished or even close to being done with payments, but I am getting a good start. I just need to breathe and find solutions. Sticking to a budget and watching my unnecessary expenditures. Oh wait, that would mean, being responsible! In addition, I am setting aside at least $25 per pay check for the whole rainy day thing...

Translation, maybe I will have some money to get myself out of hock the next time the mania kicks in :)

My summer beach book, which I've already started is "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby. He wrote "High Fidelity" which I loved. Anyway, it looks like a quick and very fun read so I am happy about that. I try to do very light and fun stuff each beach week. Last year was "James and the Giant Peach" and "Superfudge" which was cool because I read with my nephew. Before that was "The Memory of Running" by Ron McLarty. That was by far one of the BEST books I have EVER read. Once I get back here, I will be back in the old Stephen King saddle... The man is a genius!

Health-wise; I am also a little apprehensive about this trip because I have recently been dealing with a Lupus flare and I am always afraid when I have been sick and I travel far from my docs. I will talk to my Rheumatologist today and double check my treatment and my bloodwork results just to get the final "OK". I was really hoping to be able to start taking my Prednisone doses down before leaving, but I know there is no hope of that. Sun exposure greatly increases the chance of Lupus activity and since I am going to the beach, and I don't follow directions and stay out of the sun (I love the sun!) I will need to be on the high doses of steroids at least until I get back and am in the free and clear. Sucks, but it's my reality.

Oh well, I guess I should go take a shower and head off to work. I have to deliver quarterly reviews to my folks today. You know that's always funny because people always tend to think they are doing a better job than they really are. That's the opposite of me because I always think I suck and my manager spends at least 20% of our coaching time showing me where I am being a very effective manager for my department. I just want the best for my folks and when I feel that I don't have the time to provide them with sufficient guidance I feel like a failure. Okay, so I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure in life. I know why this is, but it's so hard to turn off the negative thought switch.

Oh well, that's another conversation for another day. Gotta head to work now!