The Married Boyfriend...

Alright, so for those of you that aren't reading this, here's an update on the money situation. I went and got yet another handout from my parents. It will pay the car insurance, and buy me a little breathing room.

I am sitting at my eMac, watching one of my favorite shows, "Intervention" (I love it because it always let's me know that there are others more screwed than I), thinking about my very wonderful, yet very married boyfriend.

Now, we all have that perception of the horrible "homewrecker". We all think what a terrible person she must be. We think she must be a goddess who has no morals or values or remorse for what she does. Truth of the matter is, all of the latter is a crock of shit! I have high morals, values, and a great deal of remorse; but the way I feel when I'm with him, it's like a drug. I feel safe, secure, loved, and like it's okay to be me.

This is his second marriage. He is VERY codependent and has been dating me, his current wife, and ex-wife on and off for about 12 years or so. He cheated on the first wife with the current wife, and cheated on both of them with me. Great!

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am codependent myself. I have never really been without a man in my life. See I would rather have the wrong man for the wrong reasons instead of the right man, period... The wrong man doesn't require you to let him in completely because they are too busy handling, or avoiding, their own shit. So, I get to play house when I want or need to and still don't have to worry about actually letting someone get to know who I really am.

Now, I am not the only one with the emotional issues in this relationship. He keeps coming back for a reason. For him I am the one that got away. Actually I am the one that ALWAYS gets away. I'm the cool chick that watches football games and boxing matches. I drink beer out of a bottle and give the best head he's ever had. I am not afraid to show my affection in public, or have sex in a dressing room at Bloomingdale's. I am, for him, in a word... FUN!

Very true statement (actually shared with me from a man I know and love)...

"Men never marry the woman that they have the best sex with, or that's the most fun, because they can never see that woman having their children, and being there forever. All they see is their friends always wanting what they have, and can they really trust that woman?"

Interesting statement. I don't think it's necessarily true for all men, maybe insecure men, who don't think they are man enough to handle that chick, but nonetheless I think there are probably a lot of men out there that really do feel that way.

I told my married boyfriend that I love him, and that I always have. Now, this is true, but only on a certain level and I have noticed a lot lately that I want to be loved so much that I cannot distinguish my feelings when it comes to men. Now don't get me wrong, I really do care about him, just as I know he cares about me, but I am not going to fall to pieces when he decides, or I decide that this needs to end. NO, I have no delusions that he is going to leave her for me, nor do I even want him too. I could never be in a committed relaitonship with him; and I think any woman that thinks a man who they are in an adulterous relationship with can be faithful is in for a rude awakening.

My friends keep saying that they don't want me to close myself off to the possibility of meeting the right guy by wasting time with this one. The thing is, I don't want the right guy right now. I am not okay with who I am and until I can ge there, I don't want anyone who I may actually fall in love with hanging around for the fallout.

So in the meantime, I am loving in my own twisted way. My therapist says that she is glad that I am at least trying to let myself love again. I am not certain how true that is. Am I really letting myself love? Probably not.

I love the way he touches me; his sense of humor; how when I am sick he comes and takes care of me; how when I am in the depths of depression he suprprises me by showing up at my door; how he won't let me get away with not letting him in when things aren't right, better yet how he knows when things aren't right; I love that he makes me feel safe and comfortable and hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get because I know he has to leave.

I look forward to the stolen moments when he makes a quick phone call just to see how I am and to let me know that he's thinking of me, and missing me. Did I mention that I love that we don't just hang out in my bedroom, but that we just hang with one another, and it's cool.

When you're love starved and you have someone who is willing to give you just a little, you take it. It may eat at you because you know it's wrong, but in the moment, when you're together in each other's arms, it's just so right.

Why can't he just be normal and single, so I wouldn't have to write this?