From a Good Day to a Bad Night

What am I doing? I know I can't continue a relationship with a married man. It's getting so complicated and the deeper I get the worse it's getting. I know I am selling myself short in so many ways. I know I deserve better in my life. And yet, I am stuck in a constant loop.

Tonight, I was hoping to have a peaceful and happy evening with the "man" in my life, and it turned out all wrong. Of course the initial sexual experience (which is customary since we spend limited time together) was terrific, but I must say, I was a little detached. But then after that it all went downhill.

When we first started this "relationship" we came up with all these rules to follow in hopes, I guess that it would things easier for us. In hopes maybe that it would make things a little more manageable. However, since then, the rules apparently have changed and no one told me about it. We had agreed that when he is in town, that our time was priority. So I was a little hurt when he made plans with one of his friends tonight in front of me w/o asking if I wanted to see him tomorrow first.

Now this sucks for me because I am normally not that person. I don't usually have an issue if the man in my life wants to spend time with his friends, but in this instance, I guess because it was agreed and because we have such limited time together, I was particularly bothered. That was problem number one.

This was followed by a stressful dinner, oh wait, there was the call from the wife very shortly after we made love. Of course he had to take it, so he went to his car to talk to her. This always leaves a funny taste in my mouth so to speak. Then there was dinner...

Dinner was terrible because he kept asking what the problem was, so then I had to tell him that I wanted to see him tomorrow, especially since I am going away for a week and that would be yet another 2 week span that we aren't together. Okay, so that was all weird, and as the conversation and meal are continuing, I am starting to feel worse about the situation, and about myself.

We return to my place, we're lying in bed, one thing leads to another, and we are having sex. Note, not making love, this is straight doggie-style now I am being fucked by the man who claims to love me sex. It was horrible. Now, under different circumstances this may have been a pleasurable thing, but he never FUCKS me; however, he did tonight.

I could barely look at him after and it was all that I could do to fight back the tears. I am terrible at hiding my feelings so he knew instantly there was something wrong, and now I have really shut down because I was so emotionally distraught. I was literally lying there wondering how much longer before he leaves, or should I just ask him to leave.

Well, I finally told him how I felt because he kept pushing me to, which of course he apologized and then confesses that he wasn't really in the mood to have sex again, but thought I really wanted to and that he was sorry. I have no idea still what I am supposed to do with that. We talked about how hard this is and the "breaking things off" piece was played with a little.

So now he is finally gone and I am left wondering if I shouldn't just call him and break up with him again. This will be the second time I have done this. The only thing is I don't trust myself not to go back to him. It would almost be better if he could break up with me, because at least then I will know there is less of a chance of me being able to get back with him.

I just can't seem to get this right. I mean I would be sooooo proud of myself if I could just do this one thing, but I am so afraid of being alone, of sitting in that anxiety, of not knowing that even if for the wrong reasons someone is there.