First Day

Here we go...

I started this blog to in a way set me free. I have a very near and dear friend who tends to believe that we should release all of our secrets and crap out in the universe, even anonymously, to rid ourselves of the guilt associated with carrying the secret itself.

I have been struggling with many things lately and while therapy is there, I cannot seem to have one truly honest relationship in my life. I thought this would be a great way to get all my crap off my chest and be completely honest.

Since I seem to suffer from many issues; depression (Bipolar), anxiety, compulsive lying (maybe not compulsive, but definitely lying), overeating, promiscuity, co-dependency, spending addiction, addictive personality, perfectionism, and what I consider just an overall need to be tragic in life (narcisistic???).

Today's topic shall be LYING!!!!!
Why do I tell lies? Well for many reasons actually. Typically I tell them to make myself seem more interesting to others, or to make myself feel equal or above others. LOW SELF-ESTEEM! It is really the root of all my evils. The funny thing about the lies is that eventually the truth does come out, or the guilt eats at you until the truth has to come out. I am at the latter end now. I lie at work, home, about my health, about money, about whatever! See I am desperately afraid that once someone really finds out who I am, they will hate me. I guess that's because the people that were supposed to love me unconditionally have never really done that, and if your family can't then who in the world would.

Problem is, it is very hard to keep up with the lies. Who I told, when I told them, covering tracks whatever. It causes a lot of anxiety in me. Truth be told, I am tired and damaged and at the end of the day, I just want someone to love me for me. I want the same thing everyone else wants in life. Question is, why is that so damn hard to get? Okay, I am no idiot, I do understand that if I was honest then I would most likely find someone who would love me for me. I thought I had, and then realized that he loved and a few others too. This only helped to solidify my need to be someone else.

I am a chameleon. I lie to become whatever I need to be to make everyone happy. Nevermind the fact that because of it, I am in a position at work that I may not have gotten w/o a lie or two. I have friends that would be my friends had I not lied, but they would look at me differently, I know. If I didn't lie, my family and even my therapist would see what a mess I really am. See I lie to maintain control. I lie to at least create some sort of reality that seems pleasing to others.

The thing is, I am too afraid to tell the truth. What if I told the truth and these people in my life no longer wanted to be around me? They wouldn't trust me anymore, they wouldn't love me anymore, and I cannot handle that. I would love to start off with a clean slate. I would love to call my parents and tell them I have screwed up. Tell them I am in debt and cannot afford my lifestyle. Tell them that they may have been right about me moving out. Ask them for a loan that I will actually be responsible for and pay back. The problem with that is, they would tell my sister and brother, my aunts, whomever they could.

I would love to walk into work and scream at the top of my lungs that I am not happy in my position. I didn't want it in the first place and felt as if I had no opportunity to say "no!" I was happy doing what I was doing. I would love to tell my manager that being in this position is too hard for me because it is making me face all of my demons. That if she didn't realize it, one has to have self-esteem to manage others, and that is something that I desperately lack, and as much as I can say the problem is I don't know how to do my job, which is part of it, a large part is that I am having to face demons. I have been avoiding those demons in therapy for over 2 years now, it's draining me to avoid them on the job too. I lack credibility in myself! Everyone around me believes/knows I can do a great job, but I don't believe it.

Everything becomes exaggerated because once I receive some sort of praise it has to continue. For instance, I have recently lost a lot of weight. Actual amount is 53 pounds. Okay, so I have inflated that amount to 83 pounds. The sad thing is I am large enough that folks have no idea how many pounds I have really lost; but my brother, whom I have always craved a relationship with, is VERY proud of the progress I have made. He actually is interested in me. I was doing Weight Watchers, which really does work, and at the time, my life was in a much better place. Then I decided to move out of my parents and it all went downhill from there. Now, honestly, I have not gained any weight lost back. I am able to maintain very well. I try to eat well and exercise every now and then; but, I am still lying. There is no shame in losing 53 pounds! That's a lot of weight!

There are so many lies, I think I should make a list of all the ones I can think of and find ways to make them right. It may not be actually telling the truth, but making them the truth if that makes any sense. I have not told any lies that have hurt others, or that have been at other's expense, so if I can find a way to make them okay, maybe I can be okay.

The way things are feeling now, okay is good enough for me. I am exhausted and I have to make it better.