Drugstore Cowgirl....
I have been enjoying reading the many blogs out there posted by my bipolar brethren. It's funny how so many people can be climbing the exact same uphill battle.
Let's talk about moods... Today has been one of the unfortunate bipolar days that has begun with an inability to choose a mood and has ended in the asshole version of me. You know what I mean when you are so overly critical that you are just down-right mean. Unfortunately, my roommate has been the recipient of my bad tidings today. I did apologize, but what difference does it make. I would love for things not to be this way, but I don't feel that I have control over it. The comments fall out f my mouth before I even think of it. Or better yet, before I can even stop it.
What does it mean to be bipolar? Sometimes I think it's a convenient excuse for those of us who act out in life. I'm an asshole because I'm bipolar; I'm broke all the time because I'm bipolar; I screw random people way too much because I'm bipolar; I can't get/keep a job, I can't pay the rent, I can't get dressed. I can't, I can't, I can't! I can't CONTROL myself - because I'm BIPOLAR!!!!
I hate myself, love myself, hurt myself, heal myself, torture myself, give myself release because I AM BIPOLAR!
Everything in my life is in excess. I can never do anything half-way. I can never do anything in moderation; I feel compelled not to.
I entitled this post Drugstore Cowgirl because in a way, in my life, this quest to define myself, is like the quest of a drug addict. I have an unrelenting thirst to find whatever it is, whomever it is, I really am. This search is painful and twisted, but I am going to find out who I am. The answer will not include that word, that thing, that definition, that abomination, BIPOLAR! In the end it will simply be me, my name, and how I choose to react to and handle situations. If I am lucky, it may not include names like Zyprexa and Lithium, Seroquel and Abilify, Lamictal and Risperdal. Maybe just me. Not clouded, not hooked, not drugged, not making excuses, just a girl living a life that she's okay with.
Just me loving me.
posted by AnxietyAddict @ 5:28 PM
2 Comments:
Anxiety, it does sound like we are kindred souls. many similarites. I live for LONG bubblebaths. They are my mode of relaxation. Sudoku? Definately. I love it. Obviously, DMB is a shared interest. Enough so that we both have tattoos! Did you have your tattoo done in the silver? Does it show up well?
I certainly understand the need for anonymity on the web. Let me know if I need to be careful when commenting, or if you would rather I didn't comment at all. I don't want to be a reason for people finding your blog if they are looking for it.
Tattoo is silver, and it shows up great. It was done with black and white shading, it's beautiful!
Bubblebath - go to lush.com and try the bubble bars and bath ballistics (bollywood, and sex bomb are my favs)! I warn you, it is addictive, I even have my therapist hooked.
Keep posting, it's all good!
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