The Difference a Day Can Make

I couldn't post yesterday due to the fact that I am trying to get all my loose ends tied up before leaving for vacation next week. This means long hours at work and less time for fun, but we do what we have to. I am on a mission because I want to get to the beach and jsut BE. No worried, no cares, just be. I am very excited!

Meds check-in... I have started out my week quite focused and very productive. I am going to attribute my new-found clarity to the increase in the Lamictal and a very much needed conversation with a friend the other evening. I awoke yesterday genuinely feeling GOOD! God, I love it when that happens.

Now, as for that conversation that gave me such clarity...
I hadn't realized just how much I needed a friend to be there, listen, and care for me. Someone who had nothing to gain from the situation, but just someone who wanted to be there for me.

In a previous posting, "Soldier Boy", I had mentioned that my friend from the military was home and had called. Anyway, he was traveling to take his daughter to his ex-wife so he had a bit of time to chat. I completely opened up to him about all my mess. About my food, sex, relationship, spending additions and how they work against me when I want them to help me. We talked about how my past behavior in relationships with him had effected us. We talked about why I just can't seem to love myself and how I cannot continue to look for that love outwardly any longer. He listened, I mean really listened. He didn't comment other than the occasional, "I know you interpret things and feel things the way you want, but you are so wonderful, I just can't see what's not to love about you."

It felt so good to get things off my chest and to have another person not try to fix me, but to support me. It was invaluable. We even identified one thing I would like to do to make a positive step towards feeling better about myself. I said I want to have a guy in my life that I am able to establish a friendship with, just a friend, that's all. I have no one in my life that's heterosexual that I have a platonic relationship with. I screw them in hopes that they won't leave and then they never get to know me, they just use me. He thought that would be a good place to begin. It wouldn't be a bad thing to have him be that person, but can he really since we used to date? I have screwed him, among many others... Is he a feasible option?

I even admitted to him how many men I have been with. My lord mania and addiction are a wonderful combination. I was so embarrassed when I told him, but all he said was "I'm up there with you, so don't feel bad." He didn't judge me, or make me feel like a whore because of it, he just accepted it.

Anyway, I started my Monday in a whole new place all because he was in the right place, and the right person, at the exact right time.

On another note - speaking of relationships, I am sitting here waiting for the Married Boyfriend to come over. I know I need to end this, but we are both co-dependent as all hell and although we both know it's wrong, neither of us is willing to let the other go. Someone is going to have to be the stronger individual and cut the ties. We'll see.