CRAZY

So I have been surfing through these blogs folks have posted, and I have found something that really annoys me.

The misuse of the word CRAZY!

Do not use this term to describe how you will feel if they took the O.C. off television (which they should, bad t.v. will make your brain rot!); or what you are because you had to break up with your boyfriend.

From someone who has some legitimate psychiatric issues, CRAZY is no fun place to be. Have a little respect for those who are tortured day-in and day-out by their obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, self-hatred, lack of control, addictions, and all-over physical/emotional/mental pain.

I have Lupus, which if you are unaware, is a horrid disease. It causes a lot, and I mean a lot, of physical pain; but in all honesty, I would rather have the pain I experience from Lupus over any depressed episode ever.

See CRAZY follows you to bed, it's there when you wake, it eats at you, stops you from eating, turns your insides to slush, makes you tired, unable to get out of bed. As if somehow the cocoon of your comforter will shelter you from all the pain, but it's still there. Gnawing at you, inside out, yelling at you, telling you how much you suck, how horrible you are, how unworthy you are.

Then, when it's really bad, it tries to tell you the only way to make it go away is if you go away. Slit your wrists, take some pills, go play in traffic, get your dad's gun, whatever to make it end. It tries to convince you that you are not bigger than it, that you can't make it, that you really are nothing.

But here's the beauty of it all. See, deep inside (and I mean deep) there is that little piece of us that's wants so badly to be happy, even just a little, even if for just a little while. That's what you fight for! That little ray of light. It's placed there when you are small and it may or may not be cultivated, but even if it's not, it's still there. It's in that very moment when CRAZY thinks it has you, that you really have it. You choose to fight for that little piece of happiness. At least I choose to fight for it. Just talking about this is literally making me nauseous, and I may go vomit the minute I am done typing, but maybe someone who needs to will read this and see that it's possible to fight.

My life may be fucked up, and I may hate myself more than not, but on the days I don't, wow! Words cannot describe how good that is. There are actually some days that I love me! It's been a few months since I have experienced one of them, really, but I know it will happen again. God willing.

So, from all of us who know CRAZY, stop using the word incorrectly!

And for those of you that are CRAZY... Tomorrow is another day, just hold on :0)