Pleasantville

Okay, it's Friday. Thank God! I am still feeling pretty good, although I will admit, I am starting to feel a little consumed by anxiety. See I have this thing for white. Everything must be white, and perfectly white. Perfectly clean and pure. No spots, no nothing. As I was in the bathroom getting myself ready for my day, I realized I had purple candles in the bathroom. I quickly switched them to white, and then the color of the air freshener started in on me. I think it's the realization that today is my last day to get things straight at work before going away, and it could be that last night was the last time to see my boyfriend for another week and I am going to miss him terribly. We had yet another perfect evening. Just laid on the couch and cuddled and talked about our relationship.

It's pretty ironic that the only really honest and pure relationship I have had in life is one with a married man, but I guess nothing is perfect. Did I mention that he wants to come to therapy with me. Anything he can do to help me be okay with myself.

I am hoping that I can have a relaxing week next week. I am concerned though because my mother is already starting with her neurosis. She is throwing the constant pity party and that is one of the main reasons why I moved out. I just can't take it. The other thing that's bothering me is the fact that I am out of money for the trip. I tried to set aside s little spending cash but crap has come up this week that has kept me from being able to hold on to it. I probably shouldn't worry about that since I know my parents will cover me, but at the same time I don't want that to happen.

I have made a great deal of progress with the money issue. I have managed to refi my car which is cutting my payments by $73 a month, I have finally gotten my therapy debt down below the $1,000 mark, and I have started to pay off some other random bills. Now by no means am I finished or even close to being done with payments, but I am getting a good start. I just need to breathe and find solutions. Sticking to a budget and watching my unnecessary expenditures. Oh wait, that would mean, being responsible! In addition, I am setting aside at least $25 per pay check for the whole rainy day thing...

Translation, maybe I will have some money to get myself out of hock the next time the mania kicks in :)

My summer beach book, which I've already started is "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby. He wrote "High Fidelity" which I loved. Anyway, it looks like a quick and very fun read so I am happy about that. I try to do very light and fun stuff each beach week. Last year was "James and the Giant Peach" and "Superfudge" which was cool because I read with my nephew. Before that was "The Memory of Running" by Ron McLarty. That was by far one of the BEST books I have EVER read. Once I get back here, I will be back in the old Stephen King saddle... The man is a genius!

Health-wise; I am also a little apprehensive about this trip because I have recently been dealing with a Lupus flare and I am always afraid when I have been sick and I travel far from my docs. I will talk to my Rheumatologist today and double check my treatment and my bloodwork results just to get the final "OK". I was really hoping to be able to start taking my Prednisone doses down before leaving, but I know there is no hope of that. Sun exposure greatly increases the chance of Lupus activity and since I am going to the beach, and I don't follow directions and stay out of the sun (I love the sun!) I will need to be on the high doses of steroids at least until I get back and am in the free and clear. Sucks, but it's my reality.

Oh well, I guess I should go take a shower and head off to work. I have to deliver quarterly reviews to my folks today. You know that's always funny because people always tend to think they are doing a better job than they really are. That's the opposite of me because I always think I suck and my manager spends at least 20% of our coaching time showing me where I am being a very effective manager for my department. I just want the best for my folks and when I feel that I don't have the time to provide them with sufficient guidance I feel like a failure. Okay, so I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure in life. I know why this is, but it's so hard to turn off the negative thought switch.

Oh well, that's another conversation for another day. Gotta head to work now!

A Day of Clarity

So for the last 4 days, I have been mentally/emotionally in a really good place. I am so thanking God for Lamictal in my life.

I know I blogged about my bad night with my wonderful man, but we have reconciled (actually we did later that evening), and I am chalking it up to me PMSing - his being tired (because he is a brat when he's sleepy) - and the fact that he's a man!

I called him later to do that, I don't want us fighting thing, life is too short, our time is limited, blah, blah, blah... He stopped me, and said I don't have to apologize that he was wrong, he should have asked if I wanted to hang out, and that he hears all I say and it matters to him how I feel. He was just tired and being a man!

Why was he so tired you ask??? Well, he drove 10 hours straight Tuesday morning to get back here, took a 2 hour nap, and then came right to me because he missed me. The man was just exhausted. Now, I am not making excuses for him, but now that I have had time to step away and think the night through I realized we were both being petty about a lot of things.

I did find out that he has now decided to stay here permanently, but the wife will still be in N.C. I am not asking what that means because I don't want to get too caught up. I still don't have expectations of him leaving her, it's just that for now this relationship works for me. I will see him tonight, and that makes me happy, and when I don't see him next week, I will be fine then too.

As for other stuff. I love being able to focus. It is o refreshing because I feel like I have been walking around in this haze for like the past 5 months. I have still been productive at work enough to accomplish the things I had to, but when I think of all the progress I could have made if I had addressed or identified my increasing mania, it does somewhat disappoint me. I guess the good thing is I figured it out and now things are different. We live and learn.

I met this guy on my way to work this morning. He followed me all the way into the office practically only to tell me how beautiful he thought I was and to find out if he could call me sometime. I did give hi my cell number; afterall I date a married man, it's not like he isn't seeing someone else. We have an agreement anyway, what happens when he's not around, is what happens.

I guess the next quest is for me to figure out what takes place if I do meet someone I am interested in who is not attached and wants to be with me? I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I am interested in just having a friendship with a guy and seeing if I can trust myself in that situation. Who knows?

By the way, I also slept for 8 whole hours last night - God, I LOVE Ambien!

From a Good Day to a Bad Night

What am I doing? I know I can't continue a relationship with a married man. It's getting so complicated and the deeper I get the worse it's getting. I know I am selling myself short in so many ways. I know I deserve better in my life. And yet, I am stuck in a constant loop.

Tonight, I was hoping to have a peaceful and happy evening with the "man" in my life, and it turned out all wrong. Of course the initial sexual experience (which is customary since we spend limited time together) was terrific, but I must say, I was a little detached. But then after that it all went downhill.

When we first started this "relationship" we came up with all these rules to follow in hopes, I guess that it would things easier for us. In hopes maybe that it would make things a little more manageable. However, since then, the rules apparently have changed and no one told me about it. We had agreed that when he is in town, that our time was priority. So I was a little hurt when he made plans with one of his friends tonight in front of me w/o asking if I wanted to see him tomorrow first.

Now this sucks for me because I am normally not that person. I don't usually have an issue if the man in my life wants to spend time with his friends, but in this instance, I guess because it was agreed and because we have such limited time together, I was particularly bothered. That was problem number one.

This was followed by a stressful dinner, oh wait, there was the call from the wife very shortly after we made love. Of course he had to take it, so he went to his car to talk to her. This always leaves a funny taste in my mouth so to speak. Then there was dinner...

Dinner was terrible because he kept asking what the problem was, so then I had to tell him that I wanted to see him tomorrow, especially since I am going away for a week and that would be yet another 2 week span that we aren't together. Okay, so that was all weird, and as the conversation and meal are continuing, I am starting to feel worse about the situation, and about myself.

We return to my place, we're lying in bed, one thing leads to another, and we are having sex. Note, not making love, this is straight doggie-style now I am being fucked by the man who claims to love me sex. It was horrible. Now, under different circumstances this may have been a pleasurable thing, but he never FUCKS me; however, he did tonight.

I could barely look at him after and it was all that I could do to fight back the tears. I am terrible at hiding my feelings so he knew instantly there was something wrong, and now I have really shut down because I was so emotionally distraught. I was literally lying there wondering how much longer before he leaves, or should I just ask him to leave.

Well, I finally told him how I felt because he kept pushing me to, which of course he apologized and then confesses that he wasn't really in the mood to have sex again, but thought I really wanted to and that he was sorry. I have no idea still what I am supposed to do with that. We talked about how hard this is and the "breaking things off" piece was played with a little.

So now he is finally gone and I am left wondering if I shouldn't just call him and break up with him again. This will be the second time I have done this. The only thing is I don't trust myself not to go back to him. It would almost be better if he could break up with me, because at least then I will know there is less of a chance of me being able to get back with him.

I just can't seem to get this right. I mean I would be sooooo proud of myself if I could just do this one thing, but I am so afraid of being alone, of sitting in that anxiety, of not knowing that even if for the wrong reasons someone is there.

The Difference a Day Can Make

I couldn't post yesterday due to the fact that I am trying to get all my loose ends tied up before leaving for vacation next week. This means long hours at work and less time for fun, but we do what we have to. I am on a mission because I want to get to the beach and jsut BE. No worried, no cares, just be. I am very excited!

Meds check-in... I have started out my week quite focused and very productive. I am going to attribute my new-found clarity to the increase in the Lamictal and a very much needed conversation with a friend the other evening. I awoke yesterday genuinely feeling GOOD! God, I love it when that happens.

Now, as for that conversation that gave me such clarity...
I hadn't realized just how much I needed a friend to be there, listen, and care for me. Someone who had nothing to gain from the situation, but just someone who wanted to be there for me.

In a previous posting, "Soldier Boy", I had mentioned that my friend from the military was home and had called. Anyway, he was traveling to take his daughter to his ex-wife so he had a bit of time to chat. I completely opened up to him about all my mess. About my food, sex, relationship, spending additions and how they work against me when I want them to help me. We talked about how my past behavior in relationships with him had effected us. We talked about why I just can't seem to love myself and how I cannot continue to look for that love outwardly any longer. He listened, I mean really listened. He didn't comment other than the occasional, "I know you interpret things and feel things the way you want, but you are so wonderful, I just can't see what's not to love about you."

It felt so good to get things off my chest and to have another person not try to fix me, but to support me. It was invaluable. We even identified one thing I would like to do to make a positive step towards feeling better about myself. I said I want to have a guy in my life that I am able to establish a friendship with, just a friend, that's all. I have no one in my life that's heterosexual that I have a platonic relationship with. I screw them in hopes that they won't leave and then they never get to know me, they just use me. He thought that would be a good place to begin. It wouldn't be a bad thing to have him be that person, but can he really since we used to date? I have screwed him, among many others... Is he a feasible option?

I even admitted to him how many men I have been with. My lord mania and addiction are a wonderful combination. I was so embarrassed when I told him, but all he said was "I'm up there with you, so don't feel bad." He didn't judge me, or make me feel like a whore because of it, he just accepted it.

Anyway, I started my Monday in a whole new place all because he was in the right place, and the right person, at the exact right time.

On another note - speaking of relationships, I am sitting here waiting for the Married Boyfriend to come over. I know I need to end this, but we are both co-dependent as all hell and although we both know it's wrong, neither of us is willing to let the other go. Someone is going to have to be the stronger individual and cut the ties. We'll see.

Soldier Boy

Quick mental status check-in... Lamictal is at 200 mg and things are seeming to balance out a bit. I am still going to push to 250 next, oops I mean this week. The test will be next weeks family vacation! I will be refilling the Xanax before spending a week with the fam....

So, let's say I am a man recycler. I am constantly recycling the same men in and out of my life, and consequently, I have never been alone. There is this one man in particular who happens to be in the Army now. Needless to say, we see each other on an intermittent basis. He's cool, cute, sweet, and bipolar! Anyway, the first question he asks is always, "did you miss me?" Well, the answer really is, no. It's kind of out of sight, out of mind with him. But I always feel pressured to answer in a way that won't hurt his feelings. I don't say yes, but I don't say no either.

Anyway, he's back from round 2 in Afghanistan and is stationed in Augusta, GA. He wants to know if he will see me anytime soon. Needless to say, I have no plans or money to travel to GA at this time. Right now any amounts of excess cash I receive will be going to the tremendous amount of debt I have accumulated recently. I do wonder though, what if he offers to pay for my visit? Then what?

I have no idea what my reservations are in this relationship of sorts. Maybe it's the fact that it's totally out there, with no stability and no guarantees. I am afraid of that, which is why I am always with these guys that I can count on in certain situations. There is this song called 'Let Go'. By a group called Frou Frou. It's such a wonderful song, how it talks about letting go, jumping in, and how there's beauty in the breakdown. I really am trying to find that beauty.

Why can't I let go and just let things happen? Why must I control everything? You know, I haven't asked him why he is always asking me when we will see each other, and not some other girl. Maybe I will call and see what the answer is...

I'm scared, but why? I am afraid that someone is going to meet the real me, and not like me. Better yet, I think I am afraid they may meet me and love me. Then what?

I am also on a quest to learn what makes me happy in life because I don't think I remember; but the funniest thing happened today as I was cleaning my bathroom ( I'm a cleaner, go figure!). I decided to pull out my Bob Marley CD, and I started listening. While scrubbing the toilet, 'Three Little Birds' started playing, and I remembered how when things sucked in life, my best friends and I (in college) would go blaze outside of this one particular building and sing that song.

"Everything's gonna be alright..."

I am blessed by that memory, and my friends, even if life challenges are pulling us in different directions for now, but it's only temporarily.

For now I am a Dancing Nancy!

Titania - hope you're there - keep in touch , and thanks for reading!

Drugstore Cowgirl....

I have been enjoying reading the many blogs out there posted by my bipolar brethren. It's funny how so many people can be climbing the exact same uphill battle.

Let's talk about moods... Today has been one of the unfortunate bipolar days that has begun with an inability to choose a mood and has ended in the asshole version of me. You know what I mean when you are so overly critical that you are just down-right mean. Unfortunately, my roommate has been the recipient of my bad tidings today. I did apologize, but what difference does it make. I would love for things not to be this way, but I don't feel that I have control over it. The comments fall out f my mouth before I even think of it. Or better yet, before I can even stop it.

What does it mean to be bipolar? Sometimes I think it's a convenient excuse for those of us who act out in life. I'm an asshole because I'm bipolar; I'm broke all the time because I'm bipolar; I screw random people way too much because I'm bipolar; I can't get/keep a job, I can't pay the rent, I can't get dressed. I can't, I can't, I can't! I can't CONTROL myself - because I'm BIPOLAR!!!!

I hate myself, love myself, hurt myself, heal myself, torture myself, give myself release because I AM BIPOLAR!

Everything in my life is in excess. I can never do anything half-way. I can never do anything in moderation; I feel compelled not to.

I entitled this post Drugstore Cowgirl because in a way, in my life, this quest to define myself, is like the quest of a drug addict. I have an unrelenting thirst to find whatever it is, whomever it is, I really am. This search is painful and twisted, but I am going to find out who I am. The answer will not include that word, that thing, that definition, that abomination, BIPOLAR! In the end it will simply be me, my name, and how I choose to react to and handle situations. If I am lucky, it may not include names like Zyprexa and Lithium, Seroquel and Abilify, Lamictal and Risperdal. Maybe just me. Not clouded, not hooked, not drugged, not making excuses, just a girl living a life that she's okay with.

Just me loving me.

Lazy Saturday

Today's a beautiful day. It's sunny and hot. My apartment is on the ground floor and walks out onto the golf course. My desk looks out of huge windows onto the course, and it's gorgeous. So I literally am sitting here blogging away and watching the bunnies run across the 9th hole. I did pick a lovely place for my roommate and I to live.

Roommates, there's an interesting subject. Don't get me wrong, I could have ended up in a much worse situation when it comes to someone to live with. For the most part she and I get along pretty well. We work for the same company but manage different areas, in different locations. She's a talker, I mean to the point where you can't get a word in edge-wise. She can be very exhausting.

I have resigned myself to watching horrible vh1 shows, doing Kakuro puzzles (which has now replaced Sudoku in my life), and reading books; a little Stephen King (God of all writers), and Flowers for Algernon. It's a lazy day, and I am not motivated to do CRAP! I may even go back to bed, or take a VERY long bubblebath. If I could fall asleep, I would. I have nothing to do, and nothing to write about and I think for once I am loving it. It's just a loafing Saturday.

I will probably download some music from iTunes for my iPOD. That will probably be it.

I think I have been lying a little less this week, and I have managed so far to maintain some control of my money. Now let's move onto food...

Drug of Choice

So I went to see my crack dealer, aka my psychiatrist, on Monday. I tried everything I could possibly think of to get her to ignore the fact that I have been playing with Mania lately. She saw right through it and then came my favorite part of the 20 minute, $110 visit...

Well there are a few drugs we can look at to try and get your mood cycling under control!

I started on Zyprexa. Loved it, hated the 60 pounds in 3-5 months of treatment I gained. Then there was Geodon, loved the weight loss it stimulated, hated the heart palpitations that put me in the hospital. We then ended on Lamictal. Lamictal is okay, but it doesn't have the anti-depressant qualities, so I felt much better on the Zyprexa than anything. Regardless, we stuck with the Lamictal.

Just recently I experienced a lovely flip-flop of mania and depression so now we have to re-address the whole drug of choice option. Okay, so we have increased the Lamictal and added Klonipin. I had been taking Xanax for the anxiety, but it's not cutting it anymore. As far as anti-psychotics go my new options are Seroquel, Risperdal, and Abilify. All of my research and a lovely talk with my pharmacist says Abilify may be the safest way to go. In the meantime, I am just going to have to function in this haze I exist in and try to be productive. Let's just say productivity is at an all-time low here. God I hate this process.

Right now I am so envious of those folks that can interact normally with others w/o the aid of pharmaceuticals. I am not sure that I can anymore. Before the Zyprexa I was at the point where I was a thin line away from cursing everyone at that even said hello to me. My responses were extremely inappropriate. I am still inappropriate, but not like that at all.

I am tired now, I need a nap from my Klonipin.

The Married Boyfriend...

Alright, so for those of you that aren't reading this, here's an update on the money situation. I went and got yet another handout from my parents. It will pay the car insurance, and buy me a little breathing room.

I am sitting at my eMac, watching one of my favorite shows, "Intervention" (I love it because it always let's me know that there are others more screwed than I), thinking about my very wonderful, yet very married boyfriend.

Now, we all have that perception of the horrible "homewrecker". We all think what a terrible person she must be. We think she must be a goddess who has no morals or values or remorse for what she does. Truth of the matter is, all of the latter is a crock of shit! I have high morals, values, and a great deal of remorse; but the way I feel when I'm with him, it's like a drug. I feel safe, secure, loved, and like it's okay to be me.

This is his second marriage. He is VERY codependent and has been dating me, his current wife, and ex-wife on and off for about 12 years or so. He cheated on the first wife with the current wife, and cheated on both of them with me. Great!

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am codependent myself. I have never really been without a man in my life. See I would rather have the wrong man for the wrong reasons instead of the right man, period... The wrong man doesn't require you to let him in completely because they are too busy handling, or avoiding, their own shit. So, I get to play house when I want or need to and still don't have to worry about actually letting someone get to know who I really am.

Now, I am not the only one with the emotional issues in this relationship. He keeps coming back for a reason. For him I am the one that got away. Actually I am the one that ALWAYS gets away. I'm the cool chick that watches football games and boxing matches. I drink beer out of a bottle and give the best head he's ever had. I am not afraid to show my affection in public, or have sex in a dressing room at Bloomingdale's. I am, for him, in a word... FUN!

Very true statement (actually shared with me from a man I know and love)...

"Men never marry the woman that they have the best sex with, or that's the most fun, because they can never see that woman having their children, and being there forever. All they see is their friends always wanting what they have, and can they really trust that woman?"

Interesting statement. I don't think it's necessarily true for all men, maybe insecure men, who don't think they are man enough to handle that chick, but nonetheless I think there are probably a lot of men out there that really do feel that way.

I told my married boyfriend that I love him, and that I always have. Now, this is true, but only on a certain level and I have noticed a lot lately that I want to be loved so much that I cannot distinguish my feelings when it comes to men. Now don't get me wrong, I really do care about him, just as I know he cares about me, but I am not going to fall to pieces when he decides, or I decide that this needs to end. NO, I have no delusions that he is going to leave her for me, nor do I even want him too. I could never be in a committed relaitonship with him; and I think any woman that thinks a man who they are in an adulterous relationship with can be faithful is in for a rude awakening.

My friends keep saying that they don't want me to close myself off to the possibility of meeting the right guy by wasting time with this one. The thing is, I don't want the right guy right now. I am not okay with who I am and until I can ge there, I don't want anyone who I may actually fall in love with hanging around for the fallout.

So in the meantime, I am loving in my own twisted way. My therapist says that she is glad that I am at least trying to let myself love again. I am not certain how true that is. Am I really letting myself love? Probably not.

I love the way he touches me; his sense of humor; how when I am sick he comes and takes care of me; how when I am in the depths of depression he suprprises me by showing up at my door; how he won't let me get away with not letting him in when things aren't right, better yet how he knows when things aren't right; I love that he makes me feel safe and comfortable and hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get because I know he has to leave.

I look forward to the stolen moments when he makes a quick phone call just to see how I am and to let me know that he's thinking of me, and missing me. Did I mention that I love that we don't just hang out in my bedroom, but that we just hang with one another, and it's cool.

When you're love starved and you have someone who is willing to give you just a little, you take it. It may eat at you because you know it's wrong, but in the moment, when you're together in each other's arms, it's just so right.

Why can't he just be normal and single, so I wouldn't have to write this?

CRAZY

So I have been surfing through these blogs folks have posted, and I have found something that really annoys me.

The misuse of the word CRAZY!

Do not use this term to describe how you will feel if they took the O.C. off television (which they should, bad t.v. will make your brain rot!); or what you are because you had to break up with your boyfriend.

From someone who has some legitimate psychiatric issues, CRAZY is no fun place to be. Have a little respect for those who are tortured day-in and day-out by their obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, self-hatred, lack of control, addictions, and all-over physical/emotional/mental pain.

I have Lupus, which if you are unaware, is a horrid disease. It causes a lot, and I mean a lot, of physical pain; but in all honesty, I would rather have the pain I experience from Lupus over any depressed episode ever.

See CRAZY follows you to bed, it's there when you wake, it eats at you, stops you from eating, turns your insides to slush, makes you tired, unable to get out of bed. As if somehow the cocoon of your comforter will shelter you from all the pain, but it's still there. Gnawing at you, inside out, yelling at you, telling you how much you suck, how horrible you are, how unworthy you are.

Then, when it's really bad, it tries to tell you the only way to make it go away is if you go away. Slit your wrists, take some pills, go play in traffic, get your dad's gun, whatever to make it end. It tries to convince you that you are not bigger than it, that you can't make it, that you really are nothing.

But here's the beauty of it all. See, deep inside (and I mean deep) there is that little piece of us that's wants so badly to be happy, even just a little, even if for just a little while. That's what you fight for! That little ray of light. It's placed there when you are small and it may or may not be cultivated, but even if it's not, it's still there. It's in that very moment when CRAZY thinks it has you, that you really have it. You choose to fight for that little piece of happiness. At least I choose to fight for it. Just talking about this is literally making me nauseous, and I may go vomit the minute I am done typing, but maybe someone who needs to will read this and see that it's possible to fight.

My life may be fucked up, and I may hate myself more than not, but on the days I don't, wow! Words cannot describe how good that is. There are actually some days that I love me! It's been a few months since I have experienced one of them, really, but I know it will happen again. God willing.

So, from all of us who know CRAZY, stop using the word incorrectly!

And for those of you that are CRAZY... Tomorrow is another day, just hold on :0)

First Day

Here we go...

I started this blog to in a way set me free. I have a very near and dear friend who tends to believe that we should release all of our secrets and crap out in the universe, even anonymously, to rid ourselves of the guilt associated with carrying the secret itself.

I have been struggling with many things lately and while therapy is there, I cannot seem to have one truly honest relationship in my life. I thought this would be a great way to get all my crap off my chest and be completely honest.

Since I seem to suffer from many issues; depression (Bipolar), anxiety, compulsive lying (maybe not compulsive, but definitely lying), overeating, promiscuity, co-dependency, spending addiction, addictive personality, perfectionism, and what I consider just an overall need to be tragic in life (narcisistic???).

Today's topic shall be LYING!!!!!
Why do I tell lies? Well for many reasons actually. Typically I tell them to make myself seem more interesting to others, or to make myself feel equal or above others. LOW SELF-ESTEEM! It is really the root of all my evils. The funny thing about the lies is that eventually the truth does come out, or the guilt eats at you until the truth has to come out. I am at the latter end now. I lie at work, home, about my health, about money, about whatever! See I am desperately afraid that once someone really finds out who I am, they will hate me. I guess that's because the people that were supposed to love me unconditionally have never really done that, and if your family can't then who in the world would.

Problem is, it is very hard to keep up with the lies. Who I told, when I told them, covering tracks whatever. It causes a lot of anxiety in me. Truth be told, I am tired and damaged and at the end of the day, I just want someone to love me for me. I want the same thing everyone else wants in life. Question is, why is that so damn hard to get? Okay, I am no idiot, I do understand that if I was honest then I would most likely find someone who would love me for me. I thought I had, and then realized that he loved and a few others too. This only helped to solidify my need to be someone else.

I am a chameleon. I lie to become whatever I need to be to make everyone happy. Nevermind the fact that because of it, I am in a position at work that I may not have gotten w/o a lie or two. I have friends that would be my friends had I not lied, but they would look at me differently, I know. If I didn't lie, my family and even my therapist would see what a mess I really am. See I lie to maintain control. I lie to at least create some sort of reality that seems pleasing to others.

The thing is, I am too afraid to tell the truth. What if I told the truth and these people in my life no longer wanted to be around me? They wouldn't trust me anymore, they wouldn't love me anymore, and I cannot handle that. I would love to start off with a clean slate. I would love to call my parents and tell them I have screwed up. Tell them I am in debt and cannot afford my lifestyle. Tell them that they may have been right about me moving out. Ask them for a loan that I will actually be responsible for and pay back. The problem with that is, they would tell my sister and brother, my aunts, whomever they could.

I would love to walk into work and scream at the top of my lungs that I am not happy in my position. I didn't want it in the first place and felt as if I had no opportunity to say "no!" I was happy doing what I was doing. I would love to tell my manager that being in this position is too hard for me because it is making me face all of my demons. That if she didn't realize it, one has to have self-esteem to manage others, and that is something that I desperately lack, and as much as I can say the problem is I don't know how to do my job, which is part of it, a large part is that I am having to face demons. I have been avoiding those demons in therapy for over 2 years now, it's draining me to avoid them on the job too. I lack credibility in myself! Everyone around me believes/knows I can do a great job, but I don't believe it.

Everything becomes exaggerated because once I receive some sort of praise it has to continue. For instance, I have recently lost a lot of weight. Actual amount is 53 pounds. Okay, so I have inflated that amount to 83 pounds. The sad thing is I am large enough that folks have no idea how many pounds I have really lost; but my brother, whom I have always craved a relationship with, is VERY proud of the progress I have made. He actually is interested in me. I was doing Weight Watchers, which really does work, and at the time, my life was in a much better place. Then I decided to move out of my parents and it all went downhill from there. Now, honestly, I have not gained any weight lost back. I am able to maintain very well. I try to eat well and exercise every now and then; but, I am still lying. There is no shame in losing 53 pounds! That's a lot of weight!

There are so many lies, I think I should make a list of all the ones I can think of and find ways to make them right. It may not be actually telling the truth, but making them the truth if that makes any sense. I have not told any lies that have hurt others, or that have been at other's expense, so if I can find a way to make them okay, maybe I can be okay.

The way things are feeling now, okay is good enough for me. I am exhausted and I have to make it better.