Here We Are

Well, it's been a while... Let's see. Things are going better at work, or at least I seem to think so. I have started back with school, it's going well and lastly I am back on weight watchers. Now this is olnly week one of weight watchers so we shall see how it goes.

I am only seeing my therapist once a month now, and I am very happy about that.

I am still hanging with the guy I have been seeeing. We are more friends than anything else but there is a lot of chemistry between the two of us. I think he's still trying to get used to having someone else knowing he's got Parkinson's. He's still not comfortable talking about it.

So I suppose things are going well for now. I am afraid to talk too much about it so I don't jinx myself!

Reasons

Well, I found out why I was dumped... Turns out the guy I was seeing has Parkinson's Disease and is not sure how to handle a relationship and his illness. I have Lupus and have had to deal with it for 10 years now. I, if anyone knows how difficult it can be to figure out when to tell someone, how to gauge his or her reaction, etc. It seems that it could be easier to just let go. Much like being Bipolar. I will tell someone about my Lupus long before I tell him or her I am Bipolar. There is still a stigma to illness and it's hard to get past.

He has no excuse for bailing on me because of being ill. I of all people am not going to run and hide because he has a disease. We have decided to be friends and I guess see what happens from there. I really like him, but I can't force him to be comfortable with me. He told me and no one else at works knows so I guess that's a good thing.

I have decided to start school again, just one class. I am not too sure if I can handle more than that right now. School has always been a thorn in my side. I want to get through it but can never seem to make it. I know it's the Bipolar, but it's hard to accept. I have been feeling pretty good lately so maybe it's a good time to start. I, as you all are aware, have to be careful of my stressors in life so I made sure it's a class that I find interesting and can stick with.

Oh well, I will keep checking in as class starts. I am already reading to get a head start. I think that way I may feel less overwhelmed. Have a good week.

Feels Like

Hello There!
It has been a while...
Things are going all right. But it feels like there is something missing in my life. I am no longer seeing the last guy. He ended things via email. Even worst, since we work together he broke things off via work email. I think I am still searching for love outside of myself and not in myself. I feel so empty sometimes. Mentally things have been all right, I am not that upset about the break up. Maybe it's the Abilify, maybe not.

I am still looking for that love that I just can't seem to get my arms around. It's so hard to locate it, and every time I feel like I am close it's still so far away. Am I making any sense?

I am still going to therapy, but it seems that I have less and less to talk about. I am finding that with most of my relationships lately. There just seems to be less and less to talk about. Am I closing off? It feels like it. And if I am, why?

Life, In General

Things have been pretty hectic for me lately. Work, personal, etc. I have managed to maintain some sort of control over my finances, which I find mind boggling. I am not saving yet, but at least I am not in over my head anymore.

I have met someone new. Got rid of the ex-boyfriend, had one relapse and slept with the married boyfriend. But this new guy is a good one and a keeper. I am hoping that I do not screw this up. He's cool and I like him a lot. He seems to think he is falling in love with me, who knows maybe he is. We have yet to sleep together and have only kissed. He donesn't believe in frivilous sex, interesting... He knows I am bipolar and about my Lupus and yet and still has not run away, this is a good sign.

My ex-boyfriend has asked me to sleep with him and it was awkward saying no, but I had to. I want things to work with this new guy and I cannot do that if I am still sleeping with other people. My therapist would be so proud of me!

Nothing else new, just busy! Hope you guys are still reading.

Endings... and Beginnings

I move this weekend. I like the place but I think that parking is going to be a nightmare.

Work is hell and I am actually looking forward to the move in order to be away for a couple of days.

My ex and I are falling apart, guess it wasn't meant to be and the thing about it is, I am not that upset about it.

I was asked out by a guy at work, I said yes but the date hasn't happened yet and probably won't until after the move.

I'm very tired but wanted to update you all since I am posting so inconsistently nowadays.

Two Words (Or Eight)

I'm moving

Jan 27

This sucks

Broke again

What's Going On

Well, I am in a bit of a better place than I was when I last posted. I can't say I have really been depressed, just stressed now. Work is really busy but I will get through. I think I am starting to get used to the chaos. I had no idea how stressful this job was going to be when it was handed to me, but it is what I have so I must deal.

Thanks to the 401K thing, all of my bills are taken care of for now and I turned the credit card I kept over to my father so that I cannot spend any money.

Okay so I am psyched because my sister got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in Las Vegas! It's my birthday present from her. The trip will be free for me; all I have to have is spending cash. So I am saving up for the trip and I will take my credit card for emergency only. Starting next pay period I will be giving money to my father for the trip. It's sad but I cannot keep money. I know it so this is the only way to make it work. I am giving control of my funds to the only person I trust to watch over it and be fiscally responsible.

In the meantime, I had someone get a hold of my bank account info and had to close my accounts at the bank. It's a good thing I work there and was able to catch it as soon as there was a problem.

As for the ex - thongs are not easy. Trusting someone who has previously cheated on you sucks. I am constantly questioning who's calling him, where he has been, why he didn't answer his phone when I called. It's actually sort of tiring. I am starting to wonder if it's worth the trouble. But then there are those times when there is a glimpse of what we used to have, and that makes it really hard to say it's not worth the trouble.